oh wow.. yes i expected adventures today... but not this much!! lets see.. i woke up at 6:00 am... got dressed for an early interview... then well ofcourse i got lost on the way.. its like a MUST! even if i go to the road a billion times... its like a ritual.. i always take a wrong turn somewhere....
sooooo.... i head to the interview... and well.. i was a bit nervous and when im nervous i blush.. when im happy i blush.. when im stressed out i blush.. my face is pretty much always red ...
so i go in the interview tryin to be all laid back.. turns out the interviewing me has studied psychology and was analyzing me every move..
i feel so awkward when ppl stare directly at me for a long time.. i feel like i have to look away... but looking away sometimes gives the wrong impression..
so in the middle of the interrogation.. and staring straight at me.. he comments on how i seemed stressed out and that he noticed im blushing ! hmmm i wasnt nervous till he mentioned THAT!
SOo..... then he says casually... " there is an earthqauke" he doesnt move from his share..or flinch.. or react.. he was just smiling and so relacxed while the building felt like it was swaying from left to right!
i sat there unsure whether to laugh.. to cry.. to run.. to stay put! ( keep in mind the building is very high.. sooo... i thought i was nervous and imagined the world was shaking... turns out it WAS ACTUALLY SHAKING!!! AAAH!
i wanted to just leave the office and run ... but he was soo cool and casual and said.. " im not scared.. whatever will happen will happen if u want to go downstairs go"!! emmm i felt silly so i stayed!!!
SO well after a long interview... i leave thinkin " omg earthqauke!" as if i needed more events... this guy comes to me and says " hi my friend just saw u and wants to marry u give me ur parents number"
LOL that was defintely something i didnt expect.... i mean how can he decide to marry me just like that?! neway... so i leave the place.. go back home.. get stuck in traffic for a billion hours... ofcourse missed a turn somewhere... now i have loads of work to do... cant believe im blogging..
but omg.. today was eventful for me... i even forgot to EAT! *stomache growls
still dunno how the interview went.. wish me luck guys .. pray for me ...
So... time for more of my psychological problems.. hmm what should i talk abt tonite ? i wonder... lets see.. what is the subject that is brought up every SINGLE DAY? hmmm did u guess? YES MARRAIGE!! Everyday someone has to mention the M word!!
Well i understand that well eventually most people get married..and that its the way life is... ur a kid.... u GROW up.. u realize ur not a kid anymore..ppl realize ur not a kid anymore... they begin to NAG NAG NAG!!!
so u decide its time to get ur own kids... soo hmmm ok fine GET MARRIED! ehe its not like a button u press... or a decision u can easily make JUST LIKE THAT?!...
so ppl ask " WHY ARENT U MARRIED YET?" is ther a right answer to that? hmmm u could say
"welll... hmmm why get married and raise a family when u can raise cows and sheep instead.. at least U milk the cows!" (sarcasm)
Well... im not against marraige ofcourse... but i hate the continous nagging and obssession abt it... i mean why the rush??
Don't know why i thought that by the time i feel im READY.. suddenly the RiGHt man would appear at my doorstep on a white horse! Well... too much TV for me...
I feel if someone who could potentially be my future husband comes along .. there always a major FLAW or lets say OBstacle... makes it impossible to consider.....
Lets seee.. Too short....Too serious.. Too Open-Minded...Too Controlling...Too Clingy or Emotionally Unavailable...Too immature.. Too Broke....Too Boring... i can go on forerver.... sigh.. no im not picky... but there is ALWAYS something wrong..
im not perfect.. ( although i know you all beg to differ ) lol heh YES I KNOW NO ONE is perfect... but i know someone out there is perfect for me... and when i meet that someone ill know if he is THE ONE... and then i probably wouldnt freak out about commitement ...
i hate the feeling of being responsible for a family... little helpless kids who depend on you for everything ... everything includes diaper changing!!! ew
i hate feelin tied down or controlled.. For some reason i feel marriage is somewhat a way of sacrifcing all ur time,efforts,plans...etc UR LIFE is no longer urs.. heh
ur life becomes ur family... ur time is thier right... ur life revolves around them.. and thier lives revolves around u... Its not a temporary decision u make and quit like a job u feel didnt go as u imagined...
MARRAIGE IS IT! it is THE Beginning OF THE END!! heh see it is FOR LIFE...FOREVER.. THE REST OF UR LIFE with someone... WAKe up to them everyday... EVERYDAY....SAT SUN MON TUES WED THURS FRI ....Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!! i get bored easily!! i need my time ALONE! i hate routines! i hate too much REsPonsibilties!
*gets asthma attack
Im not sure im ready...sometimes i feel i am... but i wish ppl would stop NAGGING!!
i shall raise COWS & SHEEP!!
oh how I love cows! is it allowed to have a Cow as a PET ?
i was sitting thinking to myself ( as usual).... yes i know i think too much... hehe ne way... so suddenly i realized im 24!!! HOw DID I turn 24? i distinctly remmeber my 11th birthday... when i thought 24 was stilll THE FUTURE!
i am living the FUTURE! WEIRD !! i had soo many epxectations that i never reached... i thought by now id have my life figured out.. that i would stop being crazy... that id be serious and into politics and maybe GOLF or BINGO hehe
but NO... im the same... taller... yet the same... wiser.. i guess hehe but the same.. i worry that someday ill be like this old lady i took a pic of... and i would wonder HOW DID I turn 80!!!
for some reason i find it hard to believe old ppl were once young and lively.. except for many ...a couple of ppl an arabic singer ( sabah) and madonna who still act like teenagers.. i have to say madonna looks pretty good for her age... i want to see her turn 90 and coming out with her latest album.. heh
will i be one of those annoying old ladies who try to look young at the age of 80 ? Will i even reach the age 80?! And if i do will i be married? Will i emabarrass my kids by being silly infront of their friends?! hehe
i feel most ppl after a certain age try hard to go back to the old days... look at this old lady in the pic.. she was once a teenager! she once had crushes! she had a future to look forward to! she also had TEETH!! :S
i dont want to get old! and i dont want time to pass by this quickly without feeling i accomplished anything major! Guess this is life...
So....I NEED A PLAN and FAST! Time is running.. and i don't even know how much time i have left... pass me the kikat now .. i need a break from these depressing thoughts!! heh
Today was a long day.. not cause it was boring but cause i did so much.... i woke up early !! The day started out beautifully with RAIN! RAIN IN UAE!!
* Dino rubs eyes in disbelieF!
Well i didnt feel great about my shoes sinking in the muddy water puddles ! Other than that i love THE RAIN! Even the air is FRESHER! When it rains everyone runs inside or covers their heads with umbrellas, paper bags, newspapers or whatever is available! THAT is what people DO!! ME on the other hand love walking in the RAIN!! i usually am the only one who runs out when it rains.. i remmeber when i was a kid i used to open my mouth really wide and look up tryin to get as many raindrops in my mouth! hehe ( yes ppl then also thought i was a freak)
So... AFter running around in the rain.. i rememebered its thursday.. my fav day of the week because i have a group of kids who i teach every thursday morning... they are adorable and cute!!!
They say im the coolest teacher.. i guess its cause i let them play the whole time and never yell at them when they are not listening to me.. i need major disciplining courses... i try to be assertive and i end up looking at their cute faces smiling and laughin and all i can do is smile back or tell them " if u dont listen to me ill leave.. with a puppy face... sometimes it works ehe i too have irresistable puppy looks hehe
So.. today i expereinced something that kind of traumatized me me for the rest of the day.. my close friend has 4 adorable kids mashala..
Anyway i was standin on the side of the road waiting for her to get the car with 2 of her kids.. till one of her kids ran towards the STREET!! i felt soo SCARED!! and HELPLESS! i didnt know which kid to FOLLOW! i realized how much of a responsibility it is to have a kid!!! Sometimes they get OUTTA CONTROL and just dont listen!! i swear my heart was about to STOP seeing her run towards the street! i felt how vulnerable kids are.. how i dont think i can ever handle a 24 hour responsiblity of having my own kids!
YES I LOVE KIDS sooooo much.... but its because i love them soo much that i dont think i can emotionally be able to handle gettin my own! im too caring and i worry too much... even when they arent my kids... what if they where? id be PSYCHO MOM!
id probably have them on leashes! or have some sort of chips implanted in thier skin so that i know where they are all the time! hehe
So.. i spent the day with the cutest kids in the whole world... had home made pasta which tasted GREAT!! Watched a bit of TArZan ( cartoon) hehe then got a call for an interview... went well.. im thinking abt exploring my options b4 i make the decision... today was great... still thinkin of that moment i freaked out... Thank GOd nothin happened... but the thought of SOMETHING could of happened scared me to death... May God protect them and watch over them...
now i am pretty much exhausted im thinking of sleepin early tonite... *yawns * stretches.. hand hits table lamp.. lamp falls breaks into peices... erm ermmm thinks to self.. " why do i keep forgetting tall ppl have long arms too?" hehe
Pale$tine..my home country...oh how i wish i could be there right now... there is somethin abt being in a country and feeling that you belong there.. i am palestinian.. and well we all know that palestine is now known as Israel... im not much into politics but i have to say my heart aches for my country... i feel like by living far away all my life that somehow i have betrayed it...
i say i am palestinian.. but what have i ever done for my country other than a few posters to help express the extreme captivation and mistreatment palestinians go through everyday?
The sad part is that the media plays a major role in what the world believes and knows.. many people have no clue on what is going on in palestine right now... what you see on the news is not even close to reality....
my heart aches for palestine... but i feel helpless ... im proud to say im palestinian... and although i might not be in palestine right now and i dont know when ill go there again... but i carry palestine in my heart wherever i go....
Have u ever felt that you didnt fit in?! like you were a stranger in this world? Feared death yet longed for it soo much?? IS death really the answer? Some people who commit suicide think by doing that their horrible life is over... suicide is not the answer... See this life is meant to be crappy and full of disappointments.. the older you get the more nostalgia you feel towards the past... the more problems and shocks you will face...
Yet... i feel with all the disappointments and sad moments that we experience there is always those few moments that are engraved in ur memory that make it all ok.. those nice words that someone special said once.. the innocence of a child when it smiles at you unaware of what is to come later on... the sound of the waves hit the sea shore.. the smell of fresh roses.. the amazing taste of CHOCOLATE as it melts in ur mouth.. the good laugh u shared with friends...the amazing beauty of GOd's creations.. the way the clouds look like huge cotton candy in the sky...many more..
so maybe the bad outweighs the good.. but the few good moments make it all okay... and when im depressed or hurt i try to think of the positive things in life... maybe i lost a friend but at least i know i have good friends who care...and its not the end of the world... and there is always somethin to smile about :) like this COW who is totally convinced it's NEMO! hehe
sorry is a word i hear alot... unfortunately it has no use when is said after breakin my heart... who said its only men who break our hearts? i think what is deeper than the heartache for someone you love is the pain you feel when someone u truely cared about and trusted and felt was a true friend to you lets you down.. yes i said id be careful with who i trust.. but yes i was careful from the wrong people.. its those who u care abt who hurt u the most because u DONT expect them to...
i am typing this blog with a new fresh wound.. excuse my typos for my teary eyes wont allow me to see the screen properely... SOrry? what can it do for me now?? I feel like my heart shrunk in my chest..it suddenly wrinkled up.. its not that ive not been hurt b4.. its not that ive not been disappointed b4.. but its just that i really didnt expect it this time.. ouch
i feel utterly horrible... hurt and overwhelmed with heartache.. im not a weak person i know that .. but im gullible and sensitive and i wish i wasnt this way...
imagine someone who u considred was a friend to u for the longest time... someone who you truely care abt.. suddenly tells u that she no longer considers you as a friend.. that you sometimes you are FAKE!!!!! For no reason at alll... out of the blue.. u realize that this person who u thought was ur friend doesnt feel the same way... im not talking about someone who was just a social aquaintance.. im talkin abt someon who u had up soo high.. someone u felt was special and unlike the rest... that is what i call a MAJOR MAJOR OUCH.....
after all this i still am not mad at her.. or even hold anything against her.. all i feel is disappointed... and silly... mostly i feel hurt..
will i ever learn?? but she said one thing that i agree with... when somethin is broken it will never be the same.....
today i feel something major was broken.. my heart... and a friendship that i thought was true and hoped would last forever
call me anything but FAKe.. i am the most straightforward person you will ever meet! i say what i feel and i mean what i say!! If people have trouble believing im sincerely a goodhearted person who truely cares.... then that is their problem.. al hamdulilah ( thank GOD) for everything..... at least i know what i am... :(--
im heading to bed.. too much drama for today.. i hate crying..
Here is an illustration that i did in a moment of STRESS!! i usually do feel stressed out... that is because i leave everything for the last minute! i feel all my life im always going with the flow.. i am the worst person to make plans.. or plan things.. and if i ever make plans i FORGET about them!!! my room is a mess! i find a pile of clothes on my bed right before i leave the house even after i had just spent hours cleaning!
I say things without thinking.. yet spend the day thinking of the things i SAID! hehe
I have so many plans and dreams! hardly accomplished any of them!!!
Why is it i feel that solving everyones problems is my DUTY?! why is it that i feel guilty that a girl i met only twice in my whole life is lonely at home cause she quit her job .. and got pregnant.. and is bored and has nothin to do... WHY do i feel like its my duty to cheer up everyone? To drop people back home when they dont have a ride?To be there to solve everyones problems?! AS soon i hear someones problem.. (ppl tend to think im a therapist not know i myself NEED THERAPY) ..
i feel like a million people have ropes attached to my brain,,. like im being pulled in all directions! like my head has turned into a big EAR .. all i hear is the sound of crowd yelling out my name askin me to do things... pretty much i feel like this illustration!!!! soo as soon as i hear someones problem somehow i feel it is MY PRoBLEM.. that just by tellin me they are seekign my help... and i think of ways to SOLVE IT.. :S dont get me wrong.. im a people person i love being around people.. and i can get along with pretty much anyone... i love how ppl feel comfortable sharing their problems with me ... yet i think knowing way too many ppl and being a social butterfly can get exhausting.. especially when u care abt the person who confides in u....
yet i keep my own problems and worries bottled up inside of me... hehe or blog them here :P
i try my best to please everyone yet all i get is a HUGE MESS!! Ironically at the end of the day someone i care abt is either pissed off at me or just makes me feel guilty abt somethin that i was UNAWARE of as usual... i tried makin post-it reminders to reminds me of the things i need to do! well i need post it reminders to REMIND ME WHERE I PUT THOSE POST ITS!! LOL
i wrote a TO-DO list once! emmmm never looked at it.... cause i LOST IT!! i keep losing things.. forgetting things...i always feel that there is soo much to do! in arabic they say " ma3joooo2a" hehe its like im always jumpy and disoriented! I NEED TO TAKE A CHILL PILL! heh at the end of the day... i ask myself:
All this guilt,stress & endless worry .. for what??
Do those ppl whom i prioritize overmyself and my own happiness and psychological well being GIVE A flying cr@p abt me? And if they do to a certain point.. will they take the extremes i take?? i recently have felt foolish and pathetic for thinking people think the way i do.. that they appreciate me.. i was wrong.. i try to change but i cant.. its the way i am.. ill get hurt .. ill get over it.. what doesnt kill you makes u stronger.. IM SUPERWOMAN i guess!! *trys to carry nearest SOFA .. fails... tells herself " still weak dinos" lol
No matter what good i do in this world i do it for GOd... and He will reward me inshala... that is why i wont change.. Although some ppl are not worthy.... i know there are other ppl out there who DO deserve it :) and i think im lucky to know more than one person who just the thought of knowin them and having them as a part of my life makes me feel better...
so.....i try not to regret things but learn from them ... even when i learn a lesson I FORGET it hehe :P
when i was in university and was takin a photo-journalism course.. i had to go to a juvenile jail and take images of any prisoner there... well.. anyway... it was a weird expereince i saw this guy who was in jail at teh age of 16... for something he did.. i didnt know what then.. neway.. i started makin him pose for me behind bars and with handcuffs .. u know the whole JAIL loook.. i went a couple of times.. took pics of this guy.. kind of thinking of it as an adventure.. until for one moment it hit me.. im in a jail.. takin pics of a dangerous man who has been kept away for the safety of the human race. so i ask the gaurd... " what is this kid in here for?" with a smile.. i expected somehting like " drugs" ... well... to my surprise... he was in for RAPE!!! AAAAAAAAH i have been takin photos of a RAPIST!!
anyway.... that was the last time i gave him a visit! hehe i mean what did i expect? argh?! silly me... ne way.. this got me thinking.. abt the idea of jail.. being imprisoned.. and does being behind necessarily be the only way a person can be imprisoneh? i say NO!
Sometimes we are imprisoned in our own homes.. by our parents.. by society.. by what is expected from us !
someimes ppl in jail feel more free than ppl living under the roof of thier house.. Freedom is not just physical freedom.. runing around in a prak enjoying the sun's rays reflecting on ur skin.. its deeper than that.. freedom is all in our head.. what is freedom to each an everyone of us?
Is it doing what u want? saying what u want? when u want to? hmmm is anyone 100% free?! i rememeber seeing the movie " Shawshank REdemption" and there was a part when one of the prisoners had to leave... after being in jail for soo long.. he couldnt survive in the real world and commited suicide.. (great movie by the way)
its like the concept of being surrounded by ppl yet u feel lonely.. being out in the open air and feel that u cant breathe.. being free to walk around and yet feel like ur trapped behing bars...
side note.. i do not in anyway encourage RApe or going to prison lol ok? heh
Sometimes.. just sometimes.. not all the time.. i feel the urge to SCREAM!! i mean i feel this need to let out all the stress and anger and accumulated feelings that have been bottled up inside of me for so long!
A SCream for each time i smiled and nodded my head when someone cuts infront of my car in a traffic jam! FOr everytime i felt disrespected or mistreated and just didnt speak up.. for all those disappointing moments in my life.. A Scream of REgret,Anger,Frustration,STRESS! For @ll those times i felt disappointed! For All the times i felt used!!
Scream till my vocal cords can scream no more!! SO LOUD that my ear drums feel like they are going to burst! SREAM for soo long... let all these negative feelings out of my system.. till suddenly im surrounded by a peaceful sense of serenity..a feeling of safety ..all i hear is the sound of nothingness.... nothing but a LOUD SILENCE...
in reality its kind of inappropriate to scream like that or ill be officaially seen as a psychopath! just pass me a pillow it will do for now!!! ARGH?!!!
Just kind of frustrated today for no specific reason...its one of those days when u just feel like you want to EXPLODE! Anyways... hope u like the work i posted here its the first time i post my own work :)
i am warning you.. im still followed by a negative cloud that is raining on my head! Today everyone seems to be in love walking around smiling with roses and boxes of chocolates... yes i dont belive in valentines day.. yes even if i did celebrate it i would not be today... but still its just that sometimes ppl over do it with the whole IM in LOVE Mood! i mean u see all those couples that cant get thier hands off each other... walking around.. being all cheesy.. " i wuv u shnukums" " i wuv u buttercup" *walk away holding hands.. sometimes for some weird reason each one has his hand in the other persons jeans backpocket!? emmm.. are u tryin to steal each others wallets? hmm maybe its a weird tradtion im not familiar with...
Anyway... come on we have to be realistic here... love does exist yes.. but i think we all agree that love after marraige is not like love b4 marraige, b4 kids... that a man after marraige is not the same man b4 marraige.. b4 marraige all he does is think of ways to please you and make u happy.. ways to win ur heart.. when he finally wins ur heart.. slowly his attentions is diverted to the tv,food,friends,anything but u... u start having to TELL him what to do.. TO REMind him that he loves u... TO REMIND him how HE WAS b4!! anyway... i am not married.. and everyday i see couples that disappoint me.. im not talkin just brad & jen or jessica simpson *nick.. im talkin real life couples... not all end in a divorce but all seem to go downhill... not once have a met a couple that is 100% happy or satisfied.. there is always the after marraige surprises...
As if i needed more psychological problems.. all seem to be experts in love and want to give ME advice abt marraige and say things likke.. DONT GET MARRIIED LIVE UR LIFE! AS SOON AS UR married ur life is over! one look at my parents and well other old married couples and i tihnk OH MY GOD! I dont want that! yes im different.. and each one of us is!
ARE we all doomed to the same FATE?! im usually very optimistic but lately ive just been freakin out abt this whole subject.. i actually felt sorry for those ppl who are sooo obssessed with the idea of everlasting love.. even if love lasts its not the same love.. its like a different type of love that lasts... its no longer the passionate love .. but the compassionate love..sometimes even turns to HATE!! i dont want that!! i dont want a boring relationship! if all marraiges will end up the same id rather be single! as long as there is CHOCOLATE im Fine! who needs LOVE!!!
*sigh.. ok confession.. i sometimes do feel a need to be in love... but i resort to chocolate hehe :P today was one of those days.. i guess the idea of getting chocolates from someone special was nice... *sigh....
the sappy love songs on the radio arent helping... *munches on chocolate
lots have been goin on lately.. i have noticed the more time i am awake the more thinking and analyzing i do... i wish i could just easily format my brain! i mean for once to sit there without thinking... sigh... i dunno if i am normal or abnormal and if normal is what i want to be... i worry too much... i wonder too much.. i think way too much...
ne way.. i was driving around the other day and i noticed how many ppl there are out there in this world.. not one person is the same 100%not even twins.. i saw how we all seemed to be doing our own thing.. living our lives.. some look alike others look different.. some have the weirdest sense of style while others are stylish .. i can go on forever.. and i started wondering abt how its soo amazing that there are SOOO many ppl out there.. some pass by u unoticed.. when they could be great ppl... they could be special.. and yet they just pass u by and u dont even notice them.. im balbbing.. but what im tryin to say is.. its impossible to get to know everyone or to be knowin by everyone.. but why is it that i always have a strong need to make a difference in this world? i feel like i was here for a reason.. more than just to live and die.. i dont want to be just another ordinary person who passes away with no major accomplishment in her life... i need to make a difference...
any ideas? hehe i know im different.. maybe a tad bit weird.. but i feel im on a mission that im unaware of.. like i have a prupose... i want to die smiling knowing i made a difference.. at least in one persons life... i thought of being a stand up comedian but hmmmm maybe not lol
feel there is soo much to do.. soo little time... so much energy to let out.. soo many thoughts that need to be set free... i guess blogging is the answer for now... till i find my mission hehe i know ... i will SAVE A WHALE! hehe
ok its been a while since i posted here! i have been busy living my real life rather than my cyber life for a change! but the negative thing abt not being able to blog and let out my crazy thoughts that are continously going through my mind all day = brain overLOAD!! ok so ill start with one topic which is something i started to think abt recently... how ppl ask u ? WHO ARE U? or DO U KNOW HER/ Him? and that got me thinking do u really know anyone? do u really know urself?
what defines knowing someone? i feel all our lives we are getting to know ourselves... finding out what we like what we dont like.. what we are allergic too! realizing our psychological problems! our favorite foods! favorite music! its like those quizes we get abt GETTING TO KNOW URSELF! what UR STAR SIGN says abt ur personality... what ur NAME says abt ur personality! WHy do we read those things unless if we ourselves are searching for our SELVES!
So what defines who you are is what u believe in?what u like? what you do?what you look like?
soo what makes each one of us special and unique? what if someone doesnt believe in anything has no favorite meal hobby and is pretty much without interests or beliefs... so that makes him a nobody? ARE we what we believe in? ARE WE WHAT WE EAT? hehe that makes me a huge CHOCOLATE bar! eheh
ok... just my thoughts for today... i feel we will never be able to know even ourselves 100% and we will spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out who we are... i know my mom doenst know me althought she thinks she does... this is deepered than i thought...
so next time u say.. I KNOW THAT Girl next door... think again.. she might not even know HERSELF! Hehehe
i am a mother,:P talk way too much!!love art& illustrtion photography! graphic designer illustrator..try to be as religious as i can.. what else?
apparently im a rooster according to this Chinese horoscope :S hmm i adore chocolate.. explains my nick.. i should stop any CAFFEINE INTAKE cause im NATURALLY HIGH!!