Friday, October 15, 2021

Tribute to Dr. Haitham Sheeshany on his Birthday





Tomorrow would have been your 42nd birthday. I don't know where to start because no words would do you any justice. You were always thoughtful and always made time to comment and write posts about even people you didn't know. I wanted to honor him and do the same because he deserves to be remembered and I wish everyone knew how special he was. I'm sure you are happy now in a better place with your brother who you missed so deeply (his brother passed away in a car accident years ago) Allah yerhamhom. 

 I still am in shock of the news on your passing and I wait for that comment from you saying it’s all mistake. You once wrote a blogpost about a girl who was struggled with cancer and yet she was resilient and smiled in her photo and you said she must have been extraordinary from the way she fought and from the way people spoke about her. The irony is that you were diagnosed with cancer and I was told you never complained and you kept your illness a secret from many so that you don’t make us sad.

 Twitter and people all around the world are talking about you as even those who haven’t met you have loved you from all the great things they heard about you. I hope you knew that you were extraordinary and I doubt there will be anyone like you. 

 I really don’t know where to begin because inspite of the fact that we have never spoke or even met the news of his passing really shook me and broke my heart. I felt so much sadness because he was one of those very very rare gems. I have known him since abu mahjoob days and then we stayed in touch and followed each other’s blogs and for years he would leave me uplifting, wise and hilarious comments on my posts and even give me the best advice when needed it the most. At some point I think he was only person who left me comments and supported me and many people shared that he did the same for them.

I took his virtual presence for granted and I don’t think he ever really knew how many peoples lives he had changed and how many people who have known him have changed their perspective about Muslims and how a Muslim can be both mo2meneen yet have a sense of  humour. 

After his passing I found out that he had affected so many lives in real life and virtually and no one that has met him or interacted with him has anything but great words to say about him.

He was a loving husband and always spoke of his love and appreciation for his wife and kids.
He was a loving father of 3 angels.
He was the greatest teacher to many students who were devastated to hear about his passing. I believe he was a teacher in life to all those he met and even just interacted with online.
He was a loyal caring friend who stood by anyone who needed help and no matter how much he had going on in his life he would make time to help others and make them feel seen and important.
He was the only on on my twitter timeline that reminded people of prayer. 

Haitham did you know that there is now a twitter account in your name to continue what you started  to remind people of prayer times and inshala you will get ajer. He used to gather donations to those in need and I’m sure he did so much more things we don’t know about. 

 You inspired so many, you loved so deeply, you lived so passionately, no one that ever knew you can ever forget you. You flew away too soon. I hope your tired soul is finally at rest now. 
Anyone who knew you was lucky to have known you. 






أخي العزيز هيثم. فراقك صعب علينا. موتك وجع قلوبنا لأنك كنت مثل نسمة حلوة تترك وراك ريح طيبة وين ما تروح. تركت اثر في قلوبنا و ما في كلمات تعطيك حقك و كل اشي انحكى فيك قليل. يا رب تكون مرتاح و مبسوط و خلصت من هموم الدنيا. 
سبحان من زرع محبتك في قلوب كل الناس الانسان الجميل المتواضع والقلب الطيب والخلق الحسن الوجه البشوش والابتسامة الدايمة تستاهل المحبة و الله يجزيك كل خير على كل انسان أثرت في حياته.

ومن علامات حب الله للعبد القبول في الأرض وهو قبول القلوب له بالمحبة والميل إليه والرضا عنه واعتقادهم فيه الخير وظهرت عليه آثار الإقبال فينظر إليه الناس بعين المودة والتكريم (ذلك فضل الله يؤتيه من يشاء والله ذو الفضل العظيم)

أن يكتب الله -سبحانه وتعالى- لعبده القبول في قلوب الخلق في الحياة الدنيا فيحبّه كل من عايشه ويعرفون فضله وكرامته ويثنون عليه بالخير والصّلاح؛ حيث جاء في الحديث عن رسول الله صلّى الله عليه وسلّم: (إذا أحبَّ الله العبد نادى جبريل: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحبِبْه، فيُحِبُّه جبريلُ، فيُنادي جبريلُ في أهل السّماءِ: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحِبُّوه، فيُحِبُّه أهل السّماء، ثمّ يوضَع له القبولُ في الأرض)

أحسبك عند الله خيرا أخي العزيز .

اللهم ارحم هيثم واسكنه جنة الفردوس الاعلى وافتح له ابواب الجنه يدخل من حيث شاء ولا يشاء الا ان تشاء يارب العالمين اسأل الله العلي العزيز القدير ان يجمعنا به في جنة الفردوس الاعلى مع النبيين والصديقين والشهداء يارب العالمين. 

اللهم يا أرحم الراحمين ارحم صديقينا العزيز هيثم و اغفر له و اسكنه فسيح جناتك و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة و أجعله من رفقاء النبي محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم في جنة الفردوس الأعلى يا رب العالمين
اللهم بشره بجنة عرضها السموات و الأرض اللهم امين

اللهم اربط على قلب  أهله و أحبابه.


و اغسله بالماء و البرد و الثلج اللهم اجعل قبره روضه من رياض الجنة اللهم كان محسنا فزد إحسانه اللهم شفع فيه القران و ارحمه يا رحمان يا رحيم.

اللهم املأ قبره بالرضى والنور، والفسحة والسرور. اللهم تجاوز عن سيئاته وزد في حسناته، وأحسن لقاءه، واجعل العمل الصالح رفيقه، وأبدله داراً خيراً  

             Happy Birthday in Heaven Dear Brother
 I didn't know how to help other than pray for you I want you to know there is going to be a well in your name inshala very soon and inshala will be في ميزان حسناتك

  Here are a few of many things people had to say about you. 
Never did I imagine having to write this blog :(
 


 









 إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

. اللهم صبر أهله على فراقه و على ما إبتلاهم. اللهم أربط على قلوبهم


Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Trust Your Instincts



So i recently have learnt yet another lesson which is to never ever again doubt myself and my judgement and my inner instinct. I was in a situation where i felt very uncomfortable and my inner radar was beeping ABORT ABORT.  Yet i stayed and ignored everything i felt in fear of being seen as immature or silly. I later on found out that everything i felt was correct and i kept beating myself up for not speaking up or acting upon it sooner.

You reach a point of blame where you blame yourself and tell yourself that its your fault. Its only when you are out of the situation that things start to sink in and you realize that you were in kind of a shock response. And you start beating yourself up and thinking of all the things you could have done to prevent this from happening.

What i want to say is that no matter who the person is and no matter what their position is. If you feel something is not right and you sense that you need to trust you gut and take action. And if you didn't do anything dont blame yourself for trusting those who we were told to trust. You are not to blame for their mistakes or wrong doings.

Trust your instincts. God gave you them for a reason.

Oops I did it again..

So I tend to have a problem. A big problem and that is that I tend to talk a lot and blurt our things before thinking and most of the time I immediately regret what I have said. I wish there was a time machine invented so I could go back to all those times and take back all the things I say when I’m emotionally unstable or angry or hurt. I have noticed that most of the times I blurt out these regretful things are when I’m emotional. 

So I said something to someone and I believe I shared too much information and I made them feel awkward and I have been beating myself up about what I have shared and how I can take the things I said back. Trying to think of a way to to explain that even though I said those things they aren’t necessarily true and we’re said in a moment of insanity and now no matter what I say that message can’t be reversed and if I explain that I didn’t really mean what I wrote and that those were just words of someone who was highly emotional and temporarily insane that person will not believe me.

So a piece of advice to anyone who gets emotional like me.. when you are emotional lock up your phone and stay away from social media till you are back to your sanity or you will surely send something stupid to someone and pray for a time machine to be invented everyday to go back and undo what you did 🤦🏼‍♀️

Are you okay?

“Are you okay?”

A question we all have heard and endless number of times  but the truth is is anyone really ever truly OKAY? Aren’t we all messed up and trying to figure out life day by day?

I usually smile and say Ofcourse I’m okay and if I’m not I will be okay.

I hid my feelings in a bottle and hid it in the depth of my soul.. I locked it away and hid it even from myself and convinced myself it is not there but I think the feelings are getting too toxic that this bottle will soon shatter into a million pieces inside of me as there is no inch left inside of me that has not been tainted with hurtful words and experiences. 

I mask it all with a smile . A joke. I am able to convince everyone I’m totally okay as I’ve always been. Truth is I don’t really think I ever was ‘okay’ I have to stay strong and life has to go on. Too many people depend on me and need me to be strong. Everyone has their own troubles and own pain to worry about so I must keep this mask on because there is no other option. 


Some days I’m able to fool people better than others but recently I’ve just been feeling that I buried my feelings so deep down that I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I feel there is an army of my trapped feelings planning an escape and that when I least expect it they will break down those walls I’ve spent so long building . It’s like expecting yajooj wa majooj to attack at any second.

We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.
Don’t know when and don’t know what the trigger will be but I know that it’s coming when I least expect it to.

So what I’m saying is that it’s okay not be okay.. Okay?


#justblabbing 

Monday, June 15, 2020

Losing my Father...


It's been over a week since my father passed away Allah yerhamo. Everyday I wake up and the first thought is 'my dad died!' Some might think death comes easier when it is expected but sadly it isn't easy to lose someone you love even if death might come as relief of years of pain.

You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone.  Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.

I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.

Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain  في علم الغيب.




Death comes with regret of the things your could of done and could have said. Death comes with thoughts of unfinished conversations and broken promises. Somehow with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions you will feel stuck in your grief. You wonder if there is anything you could have done to make things end up differently. You regret all the times you missed out on spending time with your father. In the end we know everything happens the way it was written by Allah and we say al Hamdullilah for everything.


The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.



Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.



He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين.  He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.

It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.

 I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.

A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.

Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in  a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.

 I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
 I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.

I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.



I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up. 

I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always.  I can’t bear the thought  that my children will not have  their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you.

I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone. 

I love you always and I will pray for you everyday.  
Insha2Allah you are in a better place with no pain where you can walk and talk and eat all the yummy food you used to love to eat. 

I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me

                                                                        







لهم ارحمه تحت الأرض و يوم العرض عليك، اللهم قه عذابك يوم تبعث عبادك. اللهمّ املأ قبره بالرّضا، والنّور، والفسحة، والسّرور. اللهم ادخله الجنة من غير مناقشة حساب، ولا سابقة عذاب، اللهم آنسه في وحدته، وآنس وحشته. اللهم ان كان من المحسنين فزد فى حسناته و إن كان من المسيئين فتجاوز عن سيئاته.

اللهم اجزي والدي عني خير ما جزيت والدا عن ولده







Saturday, February 01, 2020

Parenting Disasters

I just realized I haven't blogged in so long after a dear friend asked me about my blog link. 

I decided maybe its time to blog again!  So...here I am ranting again about my struggle as a parent.

So I really don't know how to do this. Being a parent is like the biggest challenge ever in your life because one mistake can psychologically affect your kids forever. I am sure I have made plenty of mistakes and just when I was so happy i'm done with potty training disasters and sleepless nights now I have to deal with early teenager attitude of kids who are not even teens yet. I can already see Laila point at me and say " ITS YOUR FAULT!!"

I feel there is no respect anymore for parents these days. I think most of us grew up in families where our families were super strict that we are super sensitive about our kids emotions and now this over sensitive attitude has created a generation of kids that have high demands and no appreciation of what they have or what you do. Wait am I starting to sound like my own parents? *gasp someone in background yells in Fifi Abdo voice “ya Kharabi!"

Time is flying by faster than I can even process. I don’t want to be too strict nor do I want to be too lenient. I want to be my kids friend but somehow keep the respect and authority.


I am sometimes too hard on them and on myself and I lose my temper 😩🤦🏼‍♀️
In general as we grow older we are less tolerant of things. You limit your interactions with people to only be with those who truly make you happy. You limit your meaningless conversations and “mujamalat” and appreciate those true friends who like you even when you are in a bad mood.

Speaking of growing older. I really am more shocked every year at how closer I am to the big 40! I remember thinking omg 40 SO OLD! and now its like... ermm only 10 years away :P ok ok 5 years away haha lets just not talk about it. 

I try to keep my age a secret by my kids are keeping track and make sure to let everyone know how old I am. But really I don't feel older.. Yes I do have a back ache and back disc and have removed my gallbladder. Yes I can't stay up late anymore like I used to without feeling dead tired, Yes I now comment on the younger generation and how we used to be polite 🤪. I also now officially fill up my bags from amman with zaatar and merameyeh! But inspite of all these aging signs I am feeling better than ever al Hamdulilah. Been boxing for over 2 years now and last year I started kickboxing and Maui Thai . I feel good and that is what matters:) My nickname in gym is " the Machine" 






                   Al Hamdulilah for everything and one of the biggest blessings  I have in my life is my friends who care about me and are there for me always no matter what. 


Sunday, June 16, 2019

Feelings..te ra ra.. nothing more than feelings



Feelings. Or lack of feelings. Too much feelings that are unexplained or feelings that don't make sense.  Feeling unworthy or unappreciated, disappointed, happy, content. Feeling angry. Feeling sad.

 We experience so many feelings everyday and we often don't realize that we don't even know what or why we are feeling the way we do. As we grow older and understand ourselves better we begin to understand that it is very important to know what you are feeling and why you are feeling the way you do to be able to control it. Just like any pain we feel in our body it is an ache that needs to be treated.

If we have a constant ache in our heart bottled up inside us it will not go away if we don't do anything about it. If we have serious attachment issues to people in our lives or that were in our lives we need to understand the source of this need of attachment because most likely everything we feel, even it might seem to be about the other person, it is mostly a feeling that comes from an inner NEED that WE have. It might actually not even have to do with that person.
  

Its like a baby that is used to sleeping only with a pacifier. One day they remove the pacifier and the baby has tantrums because he believes he can't sleep without it. He found comfort and to him this pacifier was what made him sleep. After a few days the baby will adjust to sleeping without it and soothing without it because in reality to sleep he doesn't need the pacifier. We deal with attachment issues from the day we are born. We cry when we leave the womb. We cry when we leave our parents. We cry when we lose our favorite blanket. Its endless.


Some people come in our lives and comfort us and give us the emotional support we need and one day we realize life moves on and that they can't be a part of our lives anymore and we might feel like that baby who just lost his pacifier or blanket and believe that we can only feel happiness and comfort with them in our lives or we can realize that our happens does not rely on their love or their existence in our lives. Appreciate the good memories and know that their presence in your life was essential to make you the person that you are and to teach you the lessons you have learned. I am thankful for those who have touched my life and my heart even if they broke it. 



    Most importantly know that your life is how it was meant to be and that Allah makes no mistakes and has chosen this life for you. Know that everything is for the best and for a reason that you might not understand sometimes but having faith in Allah's choices for you is what will give you comfort in your heart. 

As a parent we worry about our children and we protect them and we don't always give them what they want because we know what is best for them. They will have tantrums and they will have melt downs but in the end we make these choices to protect them and Allah has made our choice for us and whether or not we understand why things happened the way the did in our lives we need to believe it always for the best.

Al Hamdulilah :)



Thursday, February 14, 2019

Shifting Focus


 The older we get the more life makes sense to us and the more we understand a lot of things. I want to share my experiences with you in hope that somehow i can help people who were in a place i was before find this clarity that i have found just recently.



 I know i am an emotional person and i am very sensitive and sometimes dramatic about how i feel and as the egyptians say can " 2a3mel min il 7aba 2oba". But what i also have become aware of is that i tend to focus on negative things in myself and that focus on the negative aspects of anything makes it hard to see the positive.


  I am aware of my self confidence issues and how i have lived my life as a people pleaser. I am aware of the many mistakes i have done throughout the years and mostly are caused by not knowing my self worth.

I realized that i measured my self worth by the way people treated me and by how much love i received from the people i care about it.

 Not feeling loved or feeling rejected only makes a person feel unworthy or not good enough.

I felt i needed to work to deserve someones love. I always felt the constant need to change something in myself to be GOOD ENOUGH.

I focused on all the negative things said to me and overlooked the many compliments and positives.

I focused on what i have no achieved rather than what i have.

I focused on what i did not have rather than many man things that i did.

I focused on the harsh words that were said to me in a moment of anger.

I focused on my many mistakes and regrets.

When we grow up you realize the world is not black or white.  People are not just GOOD or BAD.
Things are not just simple and most of the time things are too complicated to be simplified that way.



Sometimes a person can be holding a ROSE in their hand but are only focused on it's thorns.

Let's not let the thorns that hurt us take our attention from the many roses we have in our lives.

      There is no Black or White.. our lives are technicolored.




Focus on loving yourself and believing YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH and that no one should make you doubt that! Have you forgotten who made you ? ALLAH!! SWT! So you must be exactly the way you were meant to be!!

SHIFT your focus to the positive things in your life and the people in it and it will instantly get better.







Friday, November 30, 2018

Detox Your Life







If the year 2018 was anything for me it was a journey of self discovery and awareness. Suddenly many truths have become clear to me and i started seeing many things the way they are rather than how i feel they are or how i feel they should be. 

All my life i have been a people pleaser and i am a giver and i love to give and giving and helping others brings me joy. Unfortunately looking back at my experiences in life most of them have ended badly with disappointments and people taking advantage of kindess. They know you will not say NO. So they ask you to do things that you are shocked they ask you to do. Yet in-spite of that shock of them asking you to do these incredibly HUGE favors you say YES because they asked so nicely and because they are your friends and because well you feel maybe you want to help. 






Before you know it something happens and you realize that that person would never return the favor or even appreciate it. They have reached a point where you doing these things has become something expected from you and not something you are thanked for even. 

You continue to do good and know Allah will return it to you but yet you mature and start to realize that you can say NO. 

Reminds me of this Hadith : 

عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال‏:‏ قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم‏:‏ ‏ "‏ المؤمن القوي خير وأحب إلى الله من المؤمن الضعيف وفي كل خير‏.‏ احرص على ما ينفعك، واستعن بالله ولا تعجز‏.‏ وإن أصابك شيء فلا تقل‏:‏ لو أني فعلت كان كذا وكذا، ولكن قل‏:‏ قدر الله، وما شاء فعل؛ فإن لو تفتح عمل الشيطان‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏ رواه مسلم‏)‏‏)‏‏

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "A strong believer is better and dearer to Allah than a weak one, and both are good. Adhere to that which is beneficial for you. Keep asking Allah for help and do not refrain from it. If you are afflicted in any way, do not say: 'If I had taken this or that step, it would have resulted into such and such,' but say only: 'Allah so determined and did as He willed.' The word 'if' opens the gates of satanic thoughts".

[Muslim] 
So being a good muslim doesn't mean being a pushover. Being a good person doesn't mean never saying NO. Even Allah loves a strong mu2min more than a weak one. Being strong is by standing up to yourself. Being strong is not being afraid to say what is right and what is wrong. SayYes when you want to and make it on your terms and not theirs.
I have come a long way and i am still learning but in school now my daughter is dealing with a girl who is bullying her. I spoke to the mom and i thought it was resolved till i found out that the only difference has become that my daughter has been afraid to speak up and listened to everything this girl tell her to do including laughing at other kids. Threatening her saying if she doesn't she will tell secrets about her and get her in trouble. I know my Lulu is very kind. She just wants to have friends and she even told me the girl makes her carry her bag! You know as a mother sometimes there are things that happen to us and people mistreat us in life but if someone hurts my daughter... they have unleashed... the inner HULK




    And i realized that she is a copy of me and i don't want her to go through years and year of people taking advantage of her and living in fear of being rejected or not loved. I think we should bring this awareness to our children because even as adults we might not realize the many toxic people we have in our life. We should stop this need for being loved by everyone.

We justify their toxic behavior because we always tend to look at the good side of people and the good they do. And sometimes those people really care about you and love you but still doesn't meant that they cant be toxic for you.

How many times has your friend come to you and told you about she has been mistreated and you just feel so angry because in the end when you don't walk away from it you are allowing it. And sometimes we allow it because we think we deserve it. You then you wonder that if this happened to you would you feel this strongly about it? Would you be this angry or do you feel you deserve this treatment? If the same thing was done to you would you react the same way if it was done to someone you care about? your daughter? ohhhh HELL NO




And why is it that you take peoples mistreatment to yourself so lightly??
Why is it that you allow others to take advantage of you and control you and justify their actions?


Because... you lack SELF RESPECT! 



It's likely that you are a kind helpful person by nature, and sometimes you allow people to take advantage of you, because you're nice and you want to be a people pleaser. Stop this pattern! it's killing your SELF RESPECT and will only let people step all over you.  so what you need to do is :


1. Recognize when someone is taking advantage of your time or kindness.




2. Act. Say something. SPEAK UP.

For Ex. Someone calls ans asks you to do work for free whether its a logo design or an event or any service people usually PAY for. They don't bring up payment. They say things like " oh this is actually good for you and i'll tell all my friends about your work" AS if they are doing YOU a favor by letting you do the work for FREE. Next time you are in a situation like this, friend or not.

You say : " that's great i would love to help you but i will email you a quotation for approval." If they keep insisting on free work you say since you are my friend and i will give you a discount. If they get upset, they are not your true friends.





3. Pay attention to little details that you let go.

For ex: More than once i would be out with people and not eat and maybe just have a drink while many order shisha and some even order STEAK and in the end they divide the bill equally. And you end up not speaking up because you feel it would make you look bad to say something. But in reality.. YOU Should not pay 295 AED for a cup of diet seven up and bread and butter.
So that is just one example. 

Once i was sitting with a group of girls, and one of the bossy girls was next to me. Her friend arrived late and when she arrived she looked at me and said " Dina get up and give your seat to her so she sits next to me". i didn't even think twice, i got up and gave the girl my seat. It was only later it hit me.. SHE should have gotten up. I was sitting there before her. It was MY SEAT. So why did i just not say "Sorry i was here first if you want to sit next to her maybe you can move". Because not speaking up even though you think its to avoid problems it is not a solution. Every time you don't speak up it adds a bad feeling about yourself in your heart because each time you don't speak up YOU disrespect yourself and allow people to DISRESPECT you.


I was sent this very powerful video that i believe everyone needs to watch and i will translate it to those who do not understand arabic. Detox is not only with food but with people and your relationship with others and she talks about the kinds of people you need to cut out of your life ( unless if they are family like your mom or sister or relatives). We are talking about unhealthy toxic friendships and this video will help you recognize these people. I will add some of my points as well :)






The kinds of toxic people you need to get our of your life 


1.  il 7ardaneen ( ones who are always upset from you)

Someone who is always upset from you and never ever pleased. People who make you feel you are not good enough. Who always question your "niya" and good intentions. They make you feel like you did a crime when you would not have done anything. You find yourself constantly worried that you upset them. You find yourself doubting your own self and feeling always that you are not good enough. They will never be please and sometimes they are not bad people but this kind of person is toxic and will only make you feel bad always.






2. Pack your bags cause you are about to go on a GUILT TRIP.



Someone who always "بعاتبك" means that they always come to you saying things like " Why did you not call me yesterday or why haven't i heard from you in so long? Don't you care?" Again this is all to make you feel guilty and those people will never ever accept any excuse and make you feel bad no matter what excuse you tell them.  True friends don't judge and they don't even need to hear your excuse.




 People who sit with you and are just simply negative. In their outlook in life. Negative about other people. We are like sponges and every person gives out a certain energy. They have endless complains about everything and have the ability to turn every situation into a negative one.

                                     Negativity is incredibly harmful and contagious.


  So just like you are careful to stay away from someone with Infeunza al tyooor or al khanazer or someday al bagar. You need to stay away from these people because before you know it you will such a weight on your chest and somehow their negativity moves on to you. 

               Human beings are like sponges and we will only absorb the energy surrounding us. 


4. The Meanies 

 This category is not always as obvious as you think. They are those people who pretend to be your friends but seem to always put you down. Negative comments on your appearance. Negative comments on anything you do. Maybe its because of their insecurities. I had a friend who used to tell me i look like Lilo and stitch. not the girl ....the alien


There are those who just find ways to put you down. You tell them " Look i just won a wordwide logo competition!" Their reply would be something like this " Oh really.. are you sure its worldwide? cause maybe its one of those online things that only loser graphic designers join online" ermmm

Those people can't even stand to see you receive a compliment by someone else infront of them.
Somone else : Dina you look so great!
( Negative Person) : Oh you didn't see how she looked yesterday?!!





I know it might seem hard to just cut these people out of your life. Especially if you have known them for so long. But after a while the continuous negative effect on your life will make your feel like you are " makhnoo2a" ( suffocating). And you realize the reasons you have for keeping in your life are not good enough.




Take that step. Just walk away. Feel Empowered again. Take back control of your life and RESPECT YOURSELF! And most of all you need to teach your children about this and about boundaries and how people should always respect you and your boundaries.

Think of all the time you have wasted in "muajamalat" and doing things for people who don't deserve it rather than doing the things for the people you love and seeing the people you love. 

You can never get that time back. Use your precious time wisely. Most of all LOVE YOURSELF
RESPECT YOURSELF 










Sunday, November 18, 2018

Closer to Closure


                   

 Closure : the psychology definition is a person's desire for a direct answer to a question that, once answered, leaves no room for uncertainty. When a person has a "need" for closure, we're saying that the person is looking for answers they need to clear up any doubts they may have so they can move on.

              


You feel you can only move on if you understood why things happened. Like why that certain friend treated you the way they did and if there was something you could have done to fix it or if you were to blame. Why that someone crushed your heart even though they saw the best of you. You wonder you put yourself in that situation and allowed certain things to happen to you and wish you reacted differently to change things.

                   

You find yourself in a vicious cycle of doubts, questions,self blame, guilt and most of all you feel trapped and have the need to hear those answers, to hear that sincere apology or explanation, admission of guilt. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings. You feel like shizophrenic because you have so many mixed feelings.

                   


Sometimes even the person you need closure from gets sick or is unable to speak or passes away along with all your unanswered questions. Sometimes they are alive and well but you would never confront them with these questions. You need to make peace with yourself & you need to forgive yourself for the things you never said to that person and probably will never will say.

Yet we still find ourselves dwelling in the past and feeling like we still need closure about certain things we have been through. Whether its a very bad experience that you somehow found a way to blame yourself for or just an experience we never really got over. You have to know it is normal that we sometimes cling onto what once was and have the need to have certain unanswered questions answered.

But you need to accept that loving and caring about someone is not a good enough reason to be with them if their friendship or relationship is harming you.

 Most of the time in life you will never get those answers and truth of the matter is closure and moving should not depend on those answers. 

Closure comes from within yourself and you are the one that has set your own expectations to move on. 

Acknowledge that moving on can happen whether or not those things you feel you need to happen happen.

You find yourself even if years later when you think of that someone and the pain is still there and you realize by never allowing yourself to get closure you have not allowed yourself to heal.
 
                  


Whether its someone who broke your heart in the past or a friend you very attached to that isn't part of your life anymore. You need to accept that whatever happened has happened for a reason and that it is for the best. You need to believe that there is no point in pointing fingers and asking questions that maybe you actually would not like to hear the answers to. Talking about it or confronting them might do more harm than good.

I have learned how to find closure within myself instead of looking to someone else to give it to me.

If a man cheats on you its not because of something you lack or because you are not pretty enough or good enough. If a friend doesn't appreciate you its not because you are not worthy of appreciation. If someone mistreats you or hurts you it is not because you deserve it or because you allowed it. 




What consumes your mind controls your life.
 Gain back control over your life and do not give anyone that much power. 

Getting closure is not easy but once you realize the power is in your hands it will be easier for you to move on.

                          

Friday, November 16, 2018

Life Lessons I've Learned

It has been so long since i wrote but i feel there has been a change in me and my experiences have taught me so many lessons that i would like to share with you.



SELF WORTH

One of the most important lessons i have learnt is knowing my self worth. All my life i have not put myself and my needs and my wants as a priority. Everyone comes first and i always have been a people pleaser and  have always gone way beyond even my way to please everyone. Ofcourse no one is ever pleased and i just end up exhausted and hurt by the same people who i have spent so much of my time and efforts pleasing. Ofcourse you do good not for them only but for Allah and knowing that its human nature to help each other. Do not expect them to return your favor and know Allah will return it to you. But doing good is one thing and prioritizing someone elses favors over your needs is something else. Learn to acknowledge your self worth and to say NO without needing to justify it. Sometimes saying No just because you simply don't feel like it is totally fine. Saying No does not make you selfish.



You will meet people who will give you certain expectations from you and when you fail to meet those expectations they will make you feel guilty for things you are not supposed to be guilty for. You find yourself in a cycle of negative feelings and you stay friends with them because you know they sincerly care about you and they don't intentionally want to hurt you. After a while you realize that just because someone is kind and nice and has a good heart doesn't mean their presence in your life is going to have the same nice effect. Sometimes nice people can be toxic too. You find yourself worried all the time that they will be upset from you. You know that one mistake you make they will cross you out of their life because you have failed them yet again without knowing.

True friends shouldn't have this kind of effect on you and friends are people you go to to escape your daily drama dose and not people who add more stress and negative feelings to you. Choose your friends wisely and when you feel someone is always leaving you with a negative feeling then its time to walk away and put yourself first. Cut out toxic people who bring you down. It’s harsh but it’s not worth having people around you who do nothing but bring you down.

Not Everyone will like you



I have always had a need to be liked by others and finally i realized that not everyone will like you and that is totally okay. Who cares? Surely YOU shouldn't.

No One is Perfect

I am aware of my negative voice in my head that always puts me down and tells me things like
OH you are not good enough as a mom. It actually have the power to turn even positive compliments into insults. There is no one that is perfect and what you see on social media and what is obvious is usually far from the truth. SO when you find your negative voice in your head creeping you i want you to say :



Follow Your Instinct




I believe each one of us has an inner radar and you should never ignore it or suppress it. Your instinct is based on information that your brain has gathered either consciously or subconsciously from patterns of behavior  and experiences you have been through.

Lower Your Expectations or try to have no at all



When you lower your expectations you wont be as disappointed in life and actually when something you don't expect happens you will appreciate it more. Most of all don't expect people to react like you in certain situations.

Know when to walk away

 

There are many signs that you are in a toxic relationship whether its with a friend or a partner and these signs are signs we tend to ignore or justify somehow. If you have a friend that you cant talk to without feeling like you are walking on eggshells in each conversation you have because they seem to get upset all the time. If you find yourself feeling so negative about yourself, worried and anxious because of how this person seems to manipulate you into making you feel guilty for the simplest things. Friendship is not measured by how long you have known the person or by how much time you spend together but how you feel with that person.

When you make a choice to walk away it will be very hard at first especially because of memories of those good times is not a bad thing, it’s actually great that you had some positive experiences. But the toxicity will outweigh the good times, and you will realize that there are better times ahead with people who are better for you.

When you leave your toxic relationship, you will feel an extreme sense of relief.


You’ll be proud of the decision you made to leave and feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you will wonder why you put up with this feeling for so long and you will look back and wonder how you stayed for so long. You’ll be thankful for the experience that you had and that you learned so much from it. You’ll see their life progress from afar and be happy for them, but happier for yours.


Take Care of Yourself




Exercise and try new things and make time for yourself and know that even your children will learn to value themselves when they see that you value yourself and your health and have time for yourself. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself. I personally found that boxing is the best therapy and exercise and i highly recommend. ( mostly after you have done math homework with the kids )


People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Respect and love yourself and others will do the same.




Forgive 


Forgive yourself. Forgive those who have wronged you no matter how hard it is to forgive them because just means that you've made peace with the pain, and you are ready to let it go. Forgiveness is not something we do for others it's something we do for ourselves.















Monday, October 09, 2017

Are you Belittled or Entitled ?






So again i found myself in a situation where i did someone a favor and then after doing it i asked myself.. " HEY? Did they even appreciate what i did? Would they ever do the same for me? Would i even ever ask them to do such a thing ? Do i feel better or worse after doing this?

I have realized that pretty much all my life i have had trouble saying "NO" and not only that i feel that i can't say NO..  I feel like to say NO i need to have a like a life threatening situation. When i say NO i feel like i have to justify it so many times because i wouldnt want that person asking me to do the favor to be upset. I spend my time trying to please others and i get out of my way and i prioritize others over myself.

I have started to realize that being a people pleaser doesnt make people like you more or respect you more. It actually makes them belittle you more and in arabic " ما بعملولك حساب"

Who should we ask to do this huge unthinkable favor? DINA? why because she will say YES! 

I remember in University days a girl i barely knew asked me to drop her off to her house which is very far from university and I had a class! She kept asking me to drop her off i missed my class just so i can drop her back home. I don't know what i was thinking and if i was thinking even but i know for sure i would never ask someone to do that for me. I also know that the girl never really cared about me or appreciated what i did for her. 

I have been in this situation so many times and in the end i used to tell myself "Do it for Allah" and that Allah will reward you if you do good deeds. Truth is that way of thinking doesn't always make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better because the things i do for others are not exactly charity work and i dont consider the favors i do real needs. They are usually just people who feel entitled and feel that the world owes them a favor. They come up and ask you to do something like " hey why don't you design a logo or invitation for me since you are fabulous designer. And you tell yourself okay i will do it and you think its a nice gesture. 

They end up spending hours and hours tweaking your work and talking to you like they are your boss and in the end you are surprised that when they start thier own business one day and you want to support them by buying something from them they don't even offer you a discount because business is business right?
Or even worse they decide after the many hours you spent on the design that they don't want do this business afterall and they dont need the design.

What i have realized is that the problem was never people who take advantage of you. The real problem is knowing yourself worth and knowing that your time is precious and you get to decide what you want to do with it.

Know that if someone asks you to do something you can do EASILY and you just dont feel like doing it because you would rather stare at a WALL! YOU CAN SAY NO!

Know that those who most likely ask you do extreme favors that you would never ask them to do most likely have just called you for that favor and only call your when they need something.

           Never agree to do something that you yourself would never ask someone to do for you.

 Charity and good deeds can be done at your own time when you want to do them and don't come in a form of favors for others . 

Never prioritize someone else needs over your own or your family and know that the most important thing is you and your family.

No one will ever out you above themselves.

Remember you can always say NO.. BiDEESH without even justifying it and feeling the need to justify it.

I have noticed those who give off the " im entitled" vibe don't only get what they want, others actually feel like they deserve it! They want everything to end up their way and feel superior somehow. They live with the belief that they are inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment by others.

Always remember that people will only do to you what YOU allow them to. And doing a favor shouldnt be the reason someone likes you or disklikes you. If they choose to dislike you for not agreeing to do thier favor maybe they were never really your friends in the first place.

Know your SelfWorth. Respect Yourself. Love Yourself and Put yourself and your Family First.
Help Others always but on your own terms and when YOU willingly want to and not because they manipiluated you or made you feel that you MUST.

I feel in life there are those who are Belittled and those who feel Entitled. 

Which one are you?



And that my dears is what i call my SELF Therapy Session of the night.


Good night.
 





Tuesday, September 19, 2017

Grass is always greener on social media



Well.. im in a mood to dardish and atfalsaf a little so i thought to myself why dont i blog a little.

Don't you feel that no matter what situation we are in we are always wondering about WHAT IFS? And we often start to think about our life choices and wonder if we would be happier if we didn't make or made certain choices. We start comparing ourselves to idealistic standards and our perception of reality is distorted.

But then again we post happy moments on social media. When was the last time you are in a middle of a fight or your kids are throwing a tantrum and you think to yourself why dont i record it and post it on my newsfeed?

 
You take scroll down FB social media and even though you know 80 % or more is a fake show people put on to impress others you know and believe that there might be that 1% that is sincerely happy.

I will never forget the day this girl called her husband pissed infront of me and she was so angry with him because she posted a lovey dovey post on FB confessing her love to him and saying how he is the light of her life * backstreet boyz dance and music* and he didnt reply with a comment yet!

she was like ' hala2 hala2 betefta7 il FACEEE wa bot7otili comment okkkk * in a threatening ana bafarjeeek voice...

ermm awkard silence fills the room.... Tayeb keefek keef il awlad.... * girls face red with anger still 

If i didnt witness that moment and i just read her lovey dovey baby hubby inta hobbi post i would have thought Awwwww they are so in love ... tele3 film.. and many are like that...


Single Ladies wonder if they would be happier married and married ladies think of how their life has turned into a 24 hour job of just tending to everyone's needs that they forget their own and miss being single and carefree.

Decisions and life choices we make and no matter how different our lives our i feel we all share that one need to always try to get what we think we lack. We always look at what others have and think they are happier. We tend to overlook the many blessings that we live in and forget that many other wish to be in our shoes.

Life is hard and i believe no one is happy 100 % and i think most social media posts are depressing us because they draw this unrealistic expectation for us.

Watching vidoes of husbands tearing up when they first lay thier eyes on their bride and so many videos that are so romantic you want to just ball your eyes out . * dina bitnefff

All im saying is that i have learnt not to believe everything i see on social media and that the same girl who posts tons of pics of her lovey dovey relationship can actually be on a verge of a divorce. ( true story i saw )

We need to start by saying AL HAMDULALLAH for everything. Be CONTENT.. Say Hamdulilah Hamdulilah and the grass might look greener on the other side but if you keep looking at that grass you will not notice the many flowers that have grown in your garden :D ( eish hal deepness hadi)