There is a saying that you are always a villain in someone’s story. That is something I learnt the hard way that no matter what you do or how hard you try there is always be someone or many someone’s that see you as the villain. For the longest time I kept trying to understand the logic of their convictions and find myself questioning myself and doubting my identity.
You see when you love or value people their perception of you is something you really are affected by. You try so hard to change their view of you. Eventually you realize that sometimes no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you will always be the villain in their story . The most important keyword here is “THEIR” story, not YOURS.
You can’t control what they have narrated in their story about you but you can choose to make peace with the fact that this is part of life and they have the right to believe whatever they want about you. The most important thing is not to read their book of fiction and believe it to be facts.
Their idea of me does not define my worth or my true character it is merely a reflection of their own insecurities or doubts or misinterpretations and I will no longer live my life trying to repaint a beautiful colourful picture in their mind because it seems some people just are wearing shades and are incapable of seeing any colour
So after a long eye opening talk with my bestie it came to my attention that no matter how okay i convince myself i am they in reality all the baggage I carry around from many years still has a strong effect on me. Mentally emotionally and physically.
You know how when you are packing to travel and you keep adding small items to your bag thinking the bag will fit then suddenly you are sitting on your bag trying to close the zipper and even if you managed to miraculously close it as soon as you reach the airport your bag breaks open and you have a big mess to deal with. It’s the same with our life issues we think oh it’s okay it’s not a big deal let me just shove it along in my emotional baggage backpack till one day something triggers you and you realize maybe you shouldn’t have packed this much along the way!
I know it’s easier said than done but at least I will try to let go of some of that unecessary excess baggage that will only bring me down as even if it doesn’t show this baggage might eventually cause so much avoidable health issues.
So here I am in attempt to vent and express myself so that I don't keep holding all my feelings inside and end up with more health issues.. So apparently the more you emotionally suppress your feelings the more like you you will end up with an Autoimmune disease ( like Dina Dandoon). So I am someone who has had my share of traumas and slaps in life and I choose to dust myself off and get up again every time and as usual I use comedy to deal with my tragedy. I thought this technique was working up until I was diagnosed with Chron's an Autoimmune disease that pretty much makes you live in the toilet.. & other issues inshala khier
* dina installs mini kitchen and tv in toilet
I usually pretend I'm ok till I believe it.. بكذب الكذبة و بصدقها ( I lie the lie to myself then believe it)
I really do seem fine for a while then some trigger comes along unexpectedly and I'm standing there in the cafe ordering my coffee and I see an old man dressed like my dad same size karoosh same white hair same glasses and find myself crying say il habla saying " one ice latte www ww I th * baraabeer betsharsher
* lady at counter gives Dina look.. Malha hay il majnooneh ( what's wrong with this crazy lady)
So yes I believe it is time to admit that maybe my strategy of LA MALEESH ishi ( nothing is wrong with ) isn't working.
I also always look at others people's stories and there is always someone whose story is worse than you a million times that would pray to be in your shoes.. So I believe I have reached the point of TOXIC positivity where I always find a way to see things in a positive way to save my sanity.. but maybe its ok to allow yourself to feel even if others have it much worse. Their pain doesn't invalidate yours.
People in Palestine and Lebanon are witness a Genocide. The amount of horrific things we see makes us feel guilty for even breathing and going on with our daily life without being able to do anything. Nothing in our life compares to the hell they are in and I know that as a fact.
BUT.. a feeling is a feeling and pain is pain.. knowing you are not experiencing a pain as deep and as strong doesn’t make your pain less real.
One thing I know works for sure is that even if I’m unable to mend my own heart knowing that I can help mend anyone else’s heart by doing what I can makes me heal.
I read something that I loved . Even a broken crayon can still color.. no matter how broken you feel and no matter what you have been through I believe we all still have the ability to mend others and when you help others Allah will help you and reward you in unexpected way that you can never even imagine.
Whenever you give and do good it heals your heart because every good deed no matter how small is rewarded greatly.
All my life I have been told to forgive and forget because forgiving is something you do for yourself to let go of the persons power over you. Forgiveness is something that you do for a bigger reward from Allah who will reward you for your forgiveness because the act of forgiving is such a hard task that will surely be rewarded greatly
I have come to realize that the pain of attempting to forgive those who never even asked me for forgiveness who never ever acknowledged the horrible things they have done, the pain is far worse than actually deciding NOT to forgive. Forgiving them means I am letting my own self down, it means I have pardoned them infront of Allah for any harm they have done and for how they have wronged me.
There are many things that are forgivable but some are so horrible and incomprehensible to the human mind that I believe forgiveness is not an option.
I do not pardon them. I do not forgive the unforgivable things that have happened and I hope those people get what they deserve if not in dunya in al akhira
See you in judgment day.
Mostly in cases where there is " ظلم" and irreversible damage.
As we grow older our tolerance levels are less and less. You start to value your time more and you realize that you really don’t need to waste it on those who don’t appreciate you or put you down. You start to be incapable of “Mujamalat” and unnecessary small talk with people who are just simply toxic for you.
You realize you don’t to justify yourself to anyone and those who really matter usually don’t ask for justifications nor do they leave you feeling guilty for not seeing them as often or calling them. We all have our lives and problems and always know it’s not about the amount of times you see a person a week or the amount of msgs or calls you make. Life will show you who truly cares about you and who doesn’t.
I recently have lost the ability to tolerate a lot of things. Mujamalat. Meaningless gatherings of people falsely pretending they care about you. Maybe it’s the fact that I am over 40!
I cherish my time and i no longer want to waste it in meaningless conversations or with people who surely won’t remain in my life..
All my life i have been told you will never understand till you are a mother. You will never appreciate till you are a mother. Motherhood is much harder than i thought but even after being a mother it made things more clear to me. Im sick of parents making their chidren feel guilty for being born blaming them for every problem in thier life. They decided to have a baby and bring their kids into this world and these children are born because you choose to bring them here.
They are not your possession and they are not your slaves. Making them feel guilty for your every single mishap or inconvenience they might have caused by their mere existence is so wrong.
You want your kids to treat you with love and visit you when you are older you should make them feel safe and loved in their childhood. If you are old and your children can’t stand to be around you it’s maybe because you never loved them and pushed them away.
Motherhood is a blessing even with all the hardship and sacrifices every mother makes the true reward is seeing them happy and knowing that you did your best to make them live with the least amount of psychological problems possible.
What really really makes me angry is mothers using their mother “title” to abuse their kids. That no matter what your mother does to you no matter how horrible there is always someone who will say “ بتضلها امك" "she’s still your mother”. It took me years to finally understand that being a mother is not just a word or title. A mother is someone who loves her children unconditionally and doesn’t hurt them and make thier lives a living hell.
If you grew up with a narcissist mother that always hurts you and plays the mother card and pretends to be the victim I will never tell you “ she still your mother”
بر الوالدين definition is different when you have a mother who lives to ruin your life and make it a living hell. If you tried everything and you still fail to stop the hurt it’s okay to keep your space and البر is actually الصبر على الأذى and not to return it to her. Pray for her from far away and know Allah knows you are only protecting yourself from being hurt by her again.
I know many people mean well when they say advice such as “ no matter what she’s your mom” but truth is no one lived your story and no one knows the depth of your pain and no will even believe that a mother is capable of doing the things that were done to you. So it’s better to not give such advice when truely no one knows your story.
Been so long since I blogged.. I feel over the years my blogs have taken a more serious and sadder tone. The older we get the more things we face the harder and the more complicated life seems. We go on a path of trying to get to know ourselves and trying to figure out who we really are.. what we are meant to do in this life... we lose many dear people in our life to death or we part ways for various reasons.
I thought by now I would have my answers but I only have more and more unanswered questions that I think I might not even get the answer to. I long to fill this void in my life yet trying so hard an failing is emotionally exhausting.
I have decided to accept that I might die before understanding this life and why things happened the way they did. I long for that inner peace. After many different kinds of therapy including hypontherapy and some sound healing with a lady banging on something that seems like 6anajer to me.
I have found that the more we dig into our past the more mess we make in our lives. I no longer want to dig into my past traumas trying to find answers and I prefer to keep it all buried in my heart. accept that life is much bigger than me and that it's us that complicate things so much. Life is actually much simpler than we make it. Some questions are better left unanswered.
I will focus on the endless blessings we have every single day. A kiss or a hug from my daughters. laughing with friends till we cry. Sound of the waves. A beautiful sunset. Memories imprinted in my heart. Helping others in everyday I can. Spreading joy and smiles and maybe sometimes yummy food. Knowing that even though sometimes I don't love myself that I am loved. I am surrounded by love and so many blessings and that Allah did not create us in this world to suffer ..yet pain is part of this life and if we didn't feel this deep pain we would not appreciate all the good in our lives. I am thankful for the pain because it made me who I am today. I am thankful for it because it made me wise and made me reevaluate my life. I will be less hard on myself for the mistakes I made and I accept I will still always make mistakes. Im only human and I am on my own journey and no one on their earth has the same exact journey as mine. We all are unique and we all are here for a purpose whether we know it or not. Knowing that even if I don't know it that God has already planned everything for us and that everything is the way it is meant to be.
I pray I and whoever is reading this find that inner peace they need.
Tomorrow would have been your 42nd birthday. I don't know where to start because no words would do you any justice. You were always thoughtful and always made time to comment and write posts about even people you didn't know. I wanted to honor him and do the same because he deserves to be remembered and I wish everyone knew how special he was. I'm sure you are happy now in a better place with your brother who you missed so deeply (his brother passed away in a car accident years ago) Allah yerhamhom.
I still am in shock of the news on your passing and I wait for that comment from you saying it’s all mistake. You once wrote a blogpost about a girl who was struggled with cancer and yet she was resilient and smiled in her photo and you said she must have been extraordinary from the way she fought and from the way people spoke about her. The irony is that you were diagnosed with cancer and I was told you never complained and you kept your illness a secret from many so that you don’t make us sad.
Twitter and people all around the world are talking about you as even those who haven’t met you have loved you from all the great things they heard about you. I hope you knew that you were extraordinary and I doubt there will be anyone like you.
I really don’t know where to begin because inspite of the fact that we have never spoke or even met the news of his passing really shook me and broke my heart. I felt so much sadness because he was one of those very very rare gems. I have known him since abu mahjoob days and then we stayed in touch and followed each other’s blogs and for years he would leave me uplifting, wise and hilarious comments on my posts and even give me the best advice when needed it the most. At some point I think he was only person who left me comments and supported me and many people shared that he did the same for them.
I took his virtual presence for granted and I don’t think he ever really knew how many peoples lives he had changed and how many people who have known him have changed their perspective about Muslims and how a Muslim can be both mo2meneen yet have a sense of humour.
After his passing I found out that he had affected so many lives in real life and virtually and no one that has met him or interacted with him has anything but great words to say about him.
He was a loving husband and always spoke of his love and appreciation for his wife and kids.
He was a loving father of 3 angels.
He was the greatest teacher to many students who were devastated to hear about his passing. I believe he was a teacher in life to all those he met and even just interacted with online.
He was a loyal caring friend who stood by anyone who needed help and no matter how much he had going on in his life he would make time to help others and make them feel seen and important.
He was the only on on my twitter timeline that reminded people of prayer.
Haitham did you know that there is now a twitter account in your name to continue what you started to remind people of prayer times and inshala you will get ajer. He used to gather donations to those in need and I’m sure he did so much more things we don’t know about.
You inspired so many, you loved so deeply, you lived so passionately, no one that ever knew you can ever forget you. You flew away too soon. I hope your tired soul is finally at rest now.
Anyone who knew you was lucky to have known you.
أخي العزيز هيثم. فراقك صعب علينا. موتك وجع قلوبنا لأنك كنت مثل نسمة حلوة تترك وراك ريح طيبة وين ما تروح. تركت اثر في قلوبنا و ما في كلمات تعطيك حقك و كل اشي انحكى فيك قليل. يا رب تكون مرتاح و مبسوط و خلصت من هموم الدنيا.
سبحان من زرع محبتك في قلوب كل الناس الانسان الجميل المتواضع والقلب الطيب والخلق الحسن الوجه البشوش والابتسامة الدايمة تستاهل المحبة و الله يجزيك كل خير على كل انسان أثرت في حياته.
ومن علامات حب الله للعبد القبول في الأرض وهو قبول القلوب له بالمحبة والميل إليه والرضا عنه واعتقادهم فيه الخير وظهرت عليه آثار الإقبال فينظر إليه الناس بعين المودة والتكريم (ذلك فضل الله يؤتيه من يشاء والله ذو الفضل العظيم)
أن يكتب الله -سبحانه وتعالى- لعبده القبول في قلوب الخلق في الحياة الدنيا فيحبّه كل من عايشه ويعرفون فضله وكرامته ويثنون عليه بالخير والصّلاح؛ حيث جاء في الحديث عن رسول الله صلّى الله عليه وسلّم: (إذا أحبَّ الله العبد نادى جبريل: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحبِبْه، فيُحِبُّه جبريلُ، فيُنادي جبريلُ في أهل السّماءِ: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحِبُّوه، فيُحِبُّه أهل السّماء، ثمّ يوضَع له القبولُ في الأرض)
أحسبك عند الله خيرا أخي العزيز .
اللهم ارحم هيثم واسكنه جنة الفردوس الاعلى وافتح له ابواب الجنه يدخل من حيث شاء ولا يشاء الا ان تشاء يارب العالمين اسأل الله العلي العزيز القدير ان يجمعنا به في جنة الفردوس الاعلى مع النبيين والصديقين والشهداء يارب العالمين.
اللهم يا أرحم الراحمين ارحم صديقينا العزيز هيثم و اغفر له و اسكنه فسيح جناتك و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة و أجعله من رفقاء النبي محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم في جنة الفردوس الأعلى يا رب العالمين
اللهم بشره بجنة عرضها السموات و الأرض اللهم امين
اللهم اربط على قلب أهله و أحبابه.
و اغسله بالماء و البرد و الثلج اللهم اجعل قبره روضه من رياض الجنة اللهم كان محسنا فزد إحسانه اللهم شفع فيه القران و ارحمه يا رحمان يا رحيم.
اللهم املأ قبره بالرضى والنور، والفسحة والسرور. اللهم تجاوز عن سيئاته وزد في حسناته، وأحسن لقاءه، واجعل العمل الصالح رفيقه، وأبدله داراً خيراً
Happy Birthday in Heaven Dear Brother
I didn't know how to help other than pray for you I want you to know there is going to be a well in your name inshala very soon and inshala will be في ميزان حسناتك
Here are a few of many things people had to say about you.
Never did I imagine having to write this blog :(
إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون
. اللهم صبر أهله على فراقه و على ما إبتلاهم. اللهم أربط على قلوبهم
Today in the mall the elevator was a little crowded. People kept coming in to the point where we were basically all squished together. What really caught my eye was this couple in front of me, she was facing him & to them this crowded elevator was just another excuse to get closer to each other. He whispered something in her ear and she giggled and it was like no one else was around.. Its that kind of love.. that i sometimes doubt exists..
I know love comes in many forms, and it can also come in the form of sa7n Mansaf or your favourite meal for your loved one at sometimes.. but there will always be that couple who have been together forever yet somehow still want to hold hands, still find each other interesting and are inseparable then there is that other crowd which is the majority that complain about marriage and their spouses and make jokes that are very awkward at times.. you start to wonder is this normal??
I know true love is not like the love you see in the movies. no one will run after you to the airport door to confess their love to you.. you are very likely going to take a cab back home..
You don't wake up with blow dried hair and perfect natural makeup.. you wake up with puffy eyes, messy hair that sometimes defies gravity... Also you are very likely to be wearing that same bijama il mahreye that you wore fe DAR ahlek because you love it so much and its sooo comfy inspite of that hole in it! Your mom hid it from you and wanted to use it as mamsa7a only somehow you have retrieved it .. * evil laugh in bijama um khuzga
Breakfast in Bed.. no thank you.. saraseer in the kitchen are bad enough..
Flower Bouquets? Really? they are going to die anyway.. waste of money.. Chocolates on the other hand are always welcome.. also anything that could be useful works .. blender, washing machine, a a new Nanny? ok pushin it..
Growing up watching hopeless romantic movies with happy endings has messed us all up to the point we always have unrealistic expectations when it comes to romance and love. Those people in ajnabi movies never had 3azeemeh and spent whole day in kitchen smelling like t2layet mlookheye and basal.
Reality there is life and errands and teachings kids and grocery shopping and mortgages and school fees and stress and so much things to worry about. Yes a romantic gesture is appreciated now and then but what’s more important is knowing the person you are with has got your back and is there for you when you need them.
If your person is not romantic and not there for you.. what are you doing still with that guy. Seebeeh ya habla 🤦🏼♀️
If your guy is romantic but bodrobek bel shib shib (hits you with a slipper)
Seebi ya habla
If your guy is not romantic and is there for you but also there la bent il jeeran
Seebee ya habla 🤣
Maybe we should all watch a little less romantic movies and more movies where the romantic guy ends up being a serial killer .
*time for me to sleep now 🤣
Side note
This was an old post Pre-corona so a crowded elevator at the time was not life threatening . #justclarifying
So i recently have learnt yet another lesson which is to never ever again doubt myself and my judgement and my inner instinct. I was in a situation where i felt very uncomfortable and my inner radar was beeping ABORT ABORT. Yet i stayed and ignored everything i felt in fear of being seen as immature or silly. I later on found out that everything i felt was correct and i kept beating myself up for not speaking up or acting upon it sooner.
You reach a point of blame where you blame yourself and tell yourself that its your fault. Its only when you are out of the situation that things start to sink in and you realize that you were in kind of a shock response. And you start beating yourself up and thinking of all the things you could have done to prevent this from happening.
What i want to say is that no matter who the person is and no matter what their position is. If you feel something is not right and you sense that you need to trust you gut and take action. And if you didn't do anything dont blame yourself for trusting those who we were told to trust. You are not to blame for their mistakes or wrong doings.
Trust your instincts. God gave you them for a reason.
So I tend to have a problem. A big problem and that is that I tend to talk a lot and blurt our things before thinking and most of the time I immediately regret what I have said. I wish there was a time machine invented so I could go back to all those times and take back all the things I say when I’m emotionally unstable or angry or hurt. I have noticed that most of the times I blurt out these regretful things are when I’m emotional.
So I said something to someone and I believe I shared too much information and I made them feel awkward and I have been beating myself up about what I have shared and how I can take the things I said back. Trying to think of a way to to explain that even though I said those things they aren’t necessarily true and we’re said in a moment of insanity and now no matter what I say that message can’t be reversed and if I explain that I didn’t really mean what I wrote and that those were just words of someone who was highly emotional and temporarily insane that person will not believe me.
So a piece of advice to anyone who gets emotional like me.. when you are emotional lock up your phone and stay away from social media till you are back to your sanity or you will surely send something stupid to someone and pray for a time machine to be invented everyday to go back and undo what you did 🤦🏼♀️
A question we all have heard and endless number of times but the truth is is anyone really ever truly OKAY? Aren’t we all messed up and trying to figure out life day by day?
I usually smile and say Ofcourse I’m okay and if I’m not I will be okay.
I hid my feelings in a bottle and hid it in the depth of my soul.. I locked it away and hid it even from myself and convinced myself it is not there but I think the feelings are getting too toxic that this bottle will soon shatter into a million pieces inside of me as there is no inch left inside of me that has not been tainted with hurtful words and experiences.
I mask it all with a smile . A joke. I am able to convince everyone I’m totally okay as I’ve always been. Truth is I don’t really think I ever was ‘okay’ I have to stay strong and life has to go on. Too many people depend on me and need me to be strong. Everyone has their own troubles and own pain to worry about so I must keep this mask on because there is no other option.
Some days I’m able to fool people better than others but recently I’ve just been feeling that I buried my feelings so deep down that I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I feel there is an army of my trapped feelings planning an escape and that when I least expect it they will break down those walls I’ve spent so long building . It’s like expecting yajooj wa majooj to attack at any second.
We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.
Don’t know when and don’t know what the trigger will be but I know that it’s coming when I least expect it to.
So what I’m saying is that it’s okay not be okay.. Okay?
It's been over a week since my father passed away Allah yerhamo. Everyday I wake up and the first thought is 'my dad died!' Some might think death comes easier when it is expected but sadly it isn't easy to lose someone you love even if death might come as relief of years of pain.
You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone. Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.
I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.
Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain في علم الغيب.
Death comes with regret of the things your could of done and could have said. Death comes with thoughts of unfinished conversations and broken promises. Somehow with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions you will feel stuck in your grief. You wonder if there is anything you could have done to make things end up differently. You regret all the times you missed out on spending time with your father. In the end we know everything happens the way it was written by Allah and we say al Hamdullilah for everything.
The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.
Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.
He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين. He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.
It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.
I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.
A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.
Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.
I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.
I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.
I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up. I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always. I can’t bear the thought that my children will not have their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you. I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone.
I love you always and I will pray for you everyday.
Insha2Allah you are in a better place with no pain where you can walk and talk and eat all the yummy food you used to love to eat. I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me
لهم ارحمه تحت الأرض و يوم العرض عليك، اللهم قه عذابك يوم تبعث عبادك. اللهمّ املأ قبره بالرّضا، والنّور، والفسحة، والسّرور. اللهم ادخله الجنة من غير مناقشة حساب، ولا سابقة عذاب، اللهم آنسه في وحدته، وآنس وحشته. اللهم ان كان من المحسنين فزد فى حسناته و إن كان من المسيئين فتجاوز عن سيئاته.
I just realized I haven't blogged in so long after a dear friend asked me about my blog link.
I decided maybe its time to blog again! So...here I am ranting again about my struggle as a parent.
So I really don't know how to do this. Being a parent is like the biggest challenge ever in your life because one mistake can psychologically affect your kids forever. I am sure I have made plenty of mistakes and just when I was so happy i'm done with potty training disasters and sleepless nights now I have to deal with early teenager attitude of kids who are not even teens yet. I can already see Laila point at me and say " ITS YOUR FAULT!!"
I feel there is no respect anymore for parents these days. I think most of us grew up in families where our families were super strict that we are super sensitive about our kids emotions and now this over sensitive attitude has created a generation of kids that have high demands and no appreciation of what they have or what you do. Wait am I starting to sound like my own parents? *gasp someone in background yells in Fifi Abdo voice “ya Kharabi!"
Time is flying by faster than I can even process. I don’t want to be too strict nor do I want to be too lenient. I want to be my kids friend but somehow keep the respect and authority.
I am sometimes too hard on them and on myself and I lose my temper 😩🤦🏼♀️
In general as we grow older we are less tolerant of things. You limit your interactions with people to only be with those who truly make you happy. You limit your meaningless conversations and “mujamalat” and appreciate those true friends who like you even when you are in a bad mood.
Speaking of growing older. I really am more shocked every year at how closer I am to the big 40! I remember thinking omg 40 SO OLD! and now its like... ermm only 10 years away :P ok ok 5 years away haha lets just not talk about it.
I try to keep my age a secret by my kids are keeping track and make sure to let everyone know how old I am. But really I don't feel older.. Yes I do have a back ache and back disc and have removed my gallbladder. Yes I can't stay up late anymore like I used to without feeling dead tired, Yes I now comment on the younger generation and how we used to be polite 🤪. I also now officially fill up my bags from amman with zaatar and merameyeh! But inspite of all these aging signs I am feeling better than ever al Hamdulilah. Been boxing for over 2 years now and last year I started kickboxing and Maui Thai . I feel good and that is what matters:) My nickname in gym is " the Machine"
Al Hamdulilah for everything and one of the biggest blessings I have in my life is my friends who care about me and are there for me always no matter what.
Feelings. Or lack of feelings. Too much feelings that are unexplained or feelings that don't make sense. Feeling unworthy or unappreciated, disappointed, happy, content. Feeling angry. Feeling sad.
We experience so many feelings everyday and we often don't realize that we don't even know what or why we are feeling the way we do. As we grow older and understand ourselves better we begin to understand that it is very important to know what you are feeling and why you are feeling the way you do to be able to control it. Just like any pain we feel in our body it is an ache that needs to be treated.
If we have a constant ache in our heart bottled up inside us it will not go away if we don't do anything about it. If we have serious attachment issues to people in our lives or that were in our lives we need to understand the source of this need of attachment because most likely everything we feel, even it might seem to be about the other person, it is mostly a feeling that comes from an inner NEED that WE have. It might actually not even have to do with that person.
Its like a baby that is used to sleeping only with a pacifier. One day they remove the pacifier and the baby has tantrums because he believes he can't sleep without it. He found comfort and to him this pacifier was what made him sleep. After a few days the baby will adjust to sleeping without it and soothing without it because in reality to sleep he doesn't need the pacifier. We deal with attachment issues from the day we are born. We cry when we leave the womb. We cry when we leave our parents. We cry when we lose our favorite blanket. Its endless.
Some people come in our lives and comfort us and give us the emotional support we need and one day we realize life moves on and that they can't be a part of our lives anymore and we might feel like that baby who just lost his pacifier or blanket and believe that we can only feel happiness and comfort with them in our lives or we can realize that our happens does not rely on their love or their existence in our lives. Appreciate the good memories and know that their presence in your life was essential to make you the person that you are and to teach you the lessons you have learned. I am thankful for those who have touched my life and my heart even if they broke it.
Most importantly know that your life is how it was meant to be and that Allah makes no mistakes and has chosen this life for you. Know that everything is for the best and for a reason that you might not understand sometimes but having faith in Allah's choices for you is what will give you comfort in your heart.
As a parent we worry about our children and we protect them and we don't always give them what they want because we know what is best for them. They will have tantrums and they will have melt downs but in the end we make these choices to protect them and Allah has made our choice for us and whether or not we understand why things happened the way the did in our lives we need to believe it always for the best.
The older we get the more life makes sense to us and the more we understand a lot of things. I want to share my experiences with you in hope that somehow i can help people who were in a place i was before find this clarity that i have found just recently.
I know i am an emotional person and i am very sensitive and sometimes dramatic about how i feel and as the egyptians say can " 2a3mel min il 7aba 2oba". But what i also have become aware of is that i tend to focus on negative things in myself and that focus on the negative aspects of anything makes it hard to see the positive.
I am aware of my self confidence issues and how i have lived my life as a people pleaser. I am aware of the many mistakes i have done throughout the years and mostly are caused by not knowing my self worth.
I realized that i measured my self worth by the way people treated me and by how much love i received from the people i care about it.
Not feeling loved or feeling rejected only makes a person feel unworthy or not good enough.
I felt i needed to work to deserve someones love. I always felt the constant need to change something in myself to be GOOD ENOUGH.
I focused on all the negative things said to me and overlooked the many compliments and positives.
I focused on what i have no achieved rather than what i have.
I focused on what i did not have rather than many man things that i did.
I focused on the harsh words that were said to me in a moment of anger.
I focused on my many mistakes and regrets.
When we grow up you realize the world is not black or white. People are not just GOOD or BAD.
Things are not just simple and most of the time things are too complicated to be simplified that way.
Sometimes a person can be holding a ROSE in their hand but are only focused on it's thorns.
Let's not let the thorns that hurt us take our attention from the many roses we have in our lives.
There is no Black or White.. our lives are technicolored.
Focus on loving yourself and believing YOU ARE MORE THAN GOOD ENOUGH and that no one should make you doubt that! Have you forgotten who made you ? ALLAH!! SWT! So you must be exactly the way you were meant to be!!
SHIFT your focus to the positive things in your life and the people in it and it will instantly get better.
If the year 2018 was anything for me it was a journey of self discovery and awareness. Suddenly many truths have become clear to me and i started seeing many things the way they are rather than how i feel they are or how i feel they should be.
All my life i have been a people pleaser and i am a giver and i love to give and giving and helping others brings me joy. Unfortunately looking back at my experiences in life most of them have ended badly with disappointments and people taking advantage of kindess. They know you will not say NO. So they ask you to do things that you are shocked they ask you to do. Yet in-spite of that shock of them asking you to do these incredibly HUGE favors you say YES because they asked so nicely and because they are your friends and because well you feel maybe you want to help.
Before you know it something happens and you realize that that person would never return the favor or even appreciate it. They have reached a point where you doing these things has become something expected from you and not something you are thanked for even.
You continue to do good and know Allah will return it to you but yet you mature and start to realize that you can say NO.
Reminds me of this Hadith :
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: " المؤمن القوي خير وأحب إلى
الله من المؤمن الضعيف وفي كل خير. احرص على ما ينفعك، واستعن بالله ولا
تعجز. وإن أصابك شيء فلا تقل: لو أني فعلت كان كذا وكذا، ولكن قل:
قدر الله، وما شاء فعل؛ فإن لو تفتح عمل الشيطان" (( رواه مسلم))
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "A strong believer is
better and dearer to Allah than a weak one, and both are good. Adhere
to that which is beneficial for you. Keep asking Allah for help and do
not refrain from it. If you are afflicted in any way, do not say: 'If I
had taken this or that step, it would have resulted into such and such,'
but say only: 'Allah so determined and did as He willed.' The word 'if'
opens the gates of satanic thoughts".
[Muslim]
So being a good muslim doesn't mean being a pushover. Being a good person doesn't mean never saying NO. Even Allah loves a strong mu2min more than a weak one. Being strong is by standing up to yourself. Being strong is not being afraid to say what is right and what is wrong. SayYes when you want to and make it on your terms and not theirs.
I have come a long way and i am still learning but in school now my daughter is dealing with a girl who is bullying her. I spoke to the mom and i thought it was resolved till i found out that the only difference has become that my daughter has been afraid to speak up and listened to everything this girl tell her to do including laughing at other kids. Threatening her saying if she doesn't she will tell secrets about her and get her in trouble. I know my Lulu is very kind. She just wants to have friends and she even told me the girl makes her carry her bag! You know as a mother sometimes there are things that happen to us and people mistreat us in life but if someone hurts my daughter... they have unleashed... the inner HULK
And i realized that she is a copy of me and i don't want her to go through years and year of people taking advantage of her and living in fear of being rejected or not loved. I think we should bring this awareness to our children because even as adults we might not realize the many toxic people we have in our life. We should stop this need for being loved by everyone.
We justify their toxic behavior because we always tend to look at the good side of people and the good they do. And sometimes those people really care about you and love you but still doesn't meant that they cant be toxic for you.
How many times has your friend come to you and told you about she has been mistreated and you just feel so angry because in the end when you don't walk away from it you are allowing it. And sometimes we allow it because we think we deserve it. You then you wonder that if this happened to you would you feel this strongly about it? Would you be this angry or do you feel you deserve this treatment? If the same thing was done to you would you react the same way if it was done to someone you care about? your daughter? ohhhh HELL NO
And why is it that you take peoples mistreatment to yourself so lightly??
Why is it that you allow others to take advantage of you and control you and justify their actions?
Because... you lack SELF RESPECT!
It's likely that you are a kind helpful person by nature, and sometimes you
allow people to take advantage of you, because you're nice and you want
to be a people pleaser. Stop this pattern! it's killing your SELF RESPECT and will only let people step all over you. so what you need to do is :
1. Recognize when someone is taking advantage of your time or kindness.
2. Act. Say something. SPEAK UP.
For Ex. Someone calls ans asks you to do work for free whether its a logo design or an event or any service people usually PAY for. They don't bring up payment. They say things like " oh this is actually good for you and i'll tell all my friends about your work" AS if they are doing YOU a favor by letting you do the work for FREE. Next time you are in a situation like this, friend or not.
You say : " that's great i would love to help you but i will email you a quotation for approval." If they keep insisting on free work you say since you are my friend and i will give you a discount. If they get upset, they are not your true friends.
3. Pay attention to little details that you let go.
For ex: More than once i would be out with people and not eat and maybe just have a drink while many order shisha and some even order STEAK and in the end they divide the bill equally. And you end up not speaking up because you feel it would make you look bad to say something. But in reality.. YOU Should not pay 295 AED for a cup of diet seven up and bread and butter.
So that is just one example.
Once i was sitting with a group of girls, and one of the bossy girls was next to me. Her friend arrived late and when she arrived she looked at me and said " Dina get up and give your seat to her so she sits next to me". i didn't even think twice, i got up and gave the girl my seat. It was only later it hit me.. SHE should have gotten up. I was sitting there before her. It was MY SEAT. So why did i just not say "Sorry i was here first if you want to sit next to her maybe you can move". Because not speaking up even though you think its to avoid problems it is not a solution. Every time you don't speak up it adds a bad feeling about yourself in your heart because each time you don't speak up YOU disrespect yourself and allow people to DISRESPECT you.
I was sent this very powerful video that i believe everyone needs to watch and i will translate it to those who do not understand arabic. Detox is not only with food but with people and your relationship with others and she talks about the kinds of people you need to cut out of your life ( unless if they are family like your mom or sister or relatives). We are talking about unhealthy toxic friendships and this video will help you recognize these people. I will add some of my points as well :)
The kinds of toxic people you need to get our of your life
1. il 7ardaneen ( ones who are always upset from you)
Someone who is always upset from you and never ever pleased. People who make you feel you are not good enough. Who always question your "niya" and good intentions. They make you feel like you did a crime when you would not have done anything. You find yourself constantly worried that you upset them. You find yourself doubting your own self and feeling always that you are not good enough. They will never be please and sometimes they are not bad people but this kind of person is toxic and will only make you feel bad always.
2. Pack your bags cause you are about to go on a GUILT TRIP.
Someone who always "بعاتبك" means that they always come to you saying things like " Why did you not call me yesterday or why haven't i heard from you in so long? Don't you care?" Again this is all to make you feel guilty and those people will never ever accept any excuse and make you feel bad no matter what excuse you tell them. True friends don't judge and they don't even need to hear your excuse.
People who sit with you and are just simply negative. In their outlook in life. Negative about other people. We are like sponges and every person gives out a certain energy. They have endless complains about everything and have the ability to turn every situation into a negative one.
Negativity is incredibly harmful and contagious.
So just like you are careful to stay away from someone with Infeunza al tyooor or al khanazer or someday al bagar. You need to stay away from these people because before you know it you will such a weight on your chest and somehow their negativity moves on to you.
Human beings are like sponges and we will only absorb the energy surrounding us.
4. The Meanies
This category is not always as obvious as you think. They are those people who pretend to be your friends but seem to always put you down. Negative comments on your appearance. Negative comments on anything you do. Maybe its because of their insecurities. I had a friend who used to tell me i look like Lilo and stitch. not the girl ....the alien
There are those who just find ways to put you down. You tell them " Look i just won a wordwide logo competition!" Their reply would be something like this " Oh really.. are you sure its worldwide? cause maybe its one of those online things that only loser graphic designers join online" ermmm
Those people can't even stand to see you receive a compliment by someone else infront of them.
Somone else : Dina you look so great!
( Negative Person) : Oh you didn't see how she looked yesterday?!!
I know it might seem hard to just cut these people out of your life. Especially if you have known them for so long. But after a while the continuous negative effect on your life will make your feel like you are " makhnoo2a" ( suffocating). And you realize the reasons you have for keeping in your life are not good enough.
Take that step. Just walk away. Feel Empowered again. Take back control of your life and RESPECT YOURSELF! And most of all you need to teach your children about this and about boundaries and how people should always respect you and your boundaries.
Think of all the time you have wasted in "muajamalat" and doing things for people who don't deserve it rather than doing the things for the people you love and seeing the people you love.
You can never get that time back. Use your precious time wisely. Most of all LOVE YOURSELF
Closure : the psychology definition is a person's desire for a direct
answer to a question that, once answered, leaves no room for
uncertainty. When a person has a "need" for closure, we're saying that the
person is looking for answers they need to clear up any
doubts they may have so they can move on.
You feel you can only move on if you understood why things happened. Like why that certain friend treated you the way they did and if there was something you could have done to fix it or if you were to blame. Why that someone crushed your heart even though they saw the best of you. You wonder you put yourself in that situation and allowed certain things to happen to you and wish you reacted differently to change things.
You find yourself in a vicious cycle of doubts, questions,self blame, guilt and most of all you feel trapped and have the need to hear those answers, to hear that sincere apology or explanation, admission of guilt. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings. You feel like shizophrenic because you have so many mixed feelings.
Sometimes even the person you need closure from gets sick or is unable to speak or passes away along with all your unanswered questions. Sometimes they are alive and well but you would never confront them with these questions. You need to make peace with yourself & you need to forgive yourself for the things you never said to that person and probably will never will say.
Yet we still find ourselves dwelling in the past and feeling like we still need closure about certain things we have been through. Whether its a very bad experience that you somehow found a way to blame yourself for or just an experience we never really got over. You have to know it is normal that we sometimes cling onto what once
was and have the need to have certain unanswered questions answered.
But you need to accept that loving and caring about someone is not a good
enough reason to be with them if their friendship or relationship is
harming you.
Most of the time in life you will never get those answers
and truth of the matter is closure and moving should not depend on those
answers.
Closure comes from within yourself and you are the one that has set your own expectations to move on.
Acknowledge that moving on can happen whether or not those things you feel you need to happen happen.
You find yourself even if years later when you think of that someone and the pain is still there and you realize by never allowing yourself to get closure you have not allowed yourself to heal.
Whether its someone who broke your heart in the past or a friend you very attached to that isn't part of your life anymore. You need to accept that whatever happened has happened for a reason and that it is for the best. You need to believe that there is no point in pointing fingers and asking questions that maybe you actually would not like to hear the answers to. Talking about it or confronting them might do more harm than good.
I have learned how to find closure within myself instead of looking to someone else to give it to me.
If a man cheats on you its not because of something you lack or because you are not pretty enough or good enough. If a friend doesn't appreciate you its not because you are not worthy of appreciation. If someone mistreats you or hurts you it is not because you deserve it or because you allowed it.
What consumes your mind controls your life.
Gain back control over your life and do not give anyone that much power.
Getting closure is not easy but once you realize the power is in your hands it will be easier for you to move on.
