Chocoholic MADNESS
Thursday, October 17, 2024
Mending Hearts
Sunday, September 29, 2024
Forgiveness is a Virtue Not and Obligation
All my life I have been told to forgive and forget because forgiving is something you do for yourself to let go of the persons power over you. Forgiveness is something that you do for a bigger reward from Allah who will reward you for your forgiveness because the act of forgiving is such a hard task that will surely be rewarded greatly
I have come to realize that the pain of attempting to forgive those who never even asked me for forgiveness who never ever acknowledged the horrible things they have done, the pain is far worse than actually deciding NOT to forgive. Forgiving them means I am letting my own self down, it means I have pardoned them infront of Allah for any harm they have done and for how they have wronged me.
There are many things that are forgivable but some are so horrible and incomprehensible to the human mind that I believe forgiveness is not an option.
I do not pardon them. I do not forgive the unforgivable things that have happened and I hope those people get what they deserve if not in dunya in al akhira
See you in judgment day.
Mostly in cases where there is " ظلم" and irreversible damage.
Too Old for this
You realize you don’t to justify yourself to anyone and those who really matter usually don’t ask for justifications nor do they leave you feeling guilty for not seeing them as often or calling them. We all have our lives and problems and always know it’s not about the amount of times you see a person a week or the amount of msgs or calls you make. Life will show you who truly cares about you and who doesn’t.
I recently have lost the ability to tolerate a lot of things. Mujamalat. Meaningless gatherings of people falsely pretending they care about you. Maybe it’s the fact that I am over 40!
she’s still your mother..
Friday, March 31, 2023
Unanswered Questions
I thought by now I would have my answers but I only have more and more unanswered questions that I think I might not even get the answer to. I long to fill this void in my life yet trying so hard an failing is emotionally exhausting.
I have decided to accept that I might die before understanding this life and why things happened the way they did. I long for that inner peace. After many different kinds of therapy including hypontherapy and some sound healing with a lady banging on something that seems like 6anajer to me.
I have found that the more we dig into our past the more mess we make in our lives. I no longer want to dig into my past traumas trying to find answers and I prefer to keep it all buried in my heart. accept that life is much bigger than me and that it's us that complicate things so much. Life is actually much simpler than we make it. Some questions are better left unanswered.
I will focus on the endless blessings we have every single day. A kiss or a hug from my daughters. laughing with friends till we cry. Sound of the waves. A beautiful sunset. Memories imprinted in my heart. Helping others in everyday I can. Spreading joy and smiles and maybe sometimes yummy food. Knowing that even though sometimes I don't love myself that I am loved. I am surrounded by love and so many blessings and that Allah did not create us in this world to suffer ..yet pain is part of this life and if we didn't feel this deep pain we would not appreciate all the good in our lives. I am thankful for the pain because it made me who I am today. I am thankful for it because it made me wise and made me reevaluate my life. I will be less hard on myself for the mistakes I made and I accept I will still always make mistakes. Im only human and I am on my own journey and no one on their earth has the same exact journey as mine. We all are unique and we all are here for a purpose whether we know it or not. Knowing that even if I don't know it that God has already planned everything for us and that everything is the way it is meant to be.
I pray I and whoever is reading this find that inner peace they need.
Friday, October 15, 2021
Tribute to Dr. Haitham Sheeshany on his Birthday
Tomorrow would have been your 42nd birthday. I don't know where to start because no words would do you any justice. You were always thoughtful and always made time to comment and write posts about even people you didn't know. I wanted to honor him and do the same because he deserves to be remembered and I wish everyone knew how special he was. I'm sure you are happy now in a better place with your brother who you missed so deeply (his brother passed away in a car accident years ago) Allah yerhamhom.
I really don’t know where to begin because inspite of the fact that we have never spoke or even met the news of his passing really shook me and broke my heart. I felt so much sadness because he was one of those very very rare gems. I have known him since abu mahjoob days and then we stayed in touch and followed each other’s blogs and for years he would leave me uplifting, wise and hilarious comments on my posts and even give me the best advice when needed it the most. At some point I think he was only person who left me comments and supported me and many people shared that he did the same for them.
I took his virtual presence for granted and I don’t think he ever really knew how many peoples lives he had changed and how many people who have known him have changed their perspective about Muslims and how a Muslim can be both mo2meneen yet have a sense of humour.
After his passing I found out that he had affected so many lives in real life and virtually and no one that has met him or interacted with him has anything but great words to say about him.
أحسبك عند الله خيرا أخي العزيز .
اللهم ارحم هيثم واسكنه جنة الفردوس الاعلى وافتح له ابواب الجنه يدخل من حيث شاء ولا يشاء الا ان تشاء يارب العالمين اسأل الله العلي العزيز القدير ان يجمعنا به في جنة الفردوس الاعلى مع النبيين والصديقين والشهداء يارب العالمين.
Wednesday, September 01, 2021
that kind of love...
Today in the mall the elevator was a little crowded. People kept coming in to the point where we were basically all squished together. What really caught my eye was this couple in front of me, she was facing him & to them this crowded elevator was just another excuse to get closer to each other. He whispered something in her ear and she giggled and it was like no one else was around.. Its that kind of love.. that i sometimes doubt exists..
I know love comes in many forms, and it can also come in the form of sa7n Mansaf or your favourite meal for your loved one at sometimes.. but there will always be that couple who have been together forever yet somehow still want to hold hands, still find each other interesting and are inseparable then there is that other crowd which is the majority that complain about marriage and their spouses and make jokes that are very awkward at times.. you start to wonder is this normal??
I know true love is not like the love you see in the movies. no one will run after you to the airport door to confess their love to you.. you are very likely going to take a cab back home..
You don't wake up with blow dried hair and perfect natural makeup.. you wake up with puffy eyes, messy hair that sometimes defies gravity... Also you are very likely to be wearing that same bijama il mahreye that you wore fe DAR ahlek because you love it so much and its sooo comfy inspite of that hole in it! Your mom hid it from you and wanted to use it as mamsa7a only somehow you have retrieved it .. * evil laugh in bijama um khuzga
Breakfast in Bed.. no thank you.. saraseer in the kitchen are bad enough..
Flower Bouquets? Really? they are going to die anyway.. waste of money.. Chocolates on the other hand are always welcome.. also anything that could be useful works .. blender, washing machine, a a new Nanny? ok pushin it..
Growing up watching hopeless romantic movies with happy endings has messed us all up to the point we always have unrealistic expectations when it comes to romance and love. Those people in ajnabi movies never had 3azeemeh and spent whole day in kitchen smelling like t2layet mlookheye and basal.
Tuesday, August 31, 2021
Trust Your Instincts
So i recently have learnt yet another lesson which is to never ever again doubt myself and my judgement and my inner instinct. I was in a situation where i felt very uncomfortable and my inner radar was beeping ABORT ABORT. Yet i stayed and ignored everything i felt in fear of being seen as immature or silly. I later on found out that everything i felt was correct and i kept beating myself up for not speaking up or acting upon it sooner.
You reach a point of blame where you blame yourself and tell yourself that its your fault. Its only when you are out of the situation that things start to sink in and you realize that you were in kind of a shock response. And you start beating yourself up and thinking of all the things you could have done to prevent this from happening.
What i want to say is that no matter who the person is and no matter what their position is. If you feel something is not right and you sense that you need to trust you gut and take action. And if you didn't do anything dont blame yourself for trusting those who we were told to trust. You are not to blame for their mistakes or wrong doings.
Oops I did it again..
Are you okay?
Monday, June 15, 2020
Losing my Father...
You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone. Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.
I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.
Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain في علم الغيب.
The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.
Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.
He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين. He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.
It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.
I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.
A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.
Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.
I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.
I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.
I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up.
I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always. I can’t bear the thought that my children will not have their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you.
I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone.
I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me
Saturday, February 01, 2020
Parenting Disasters
Sunday, June 16, 2019
Feelings..te ra ra.. nothing more than feelings
Feelings. Or lack of feelings. Too much feelings that are unexplained or feelings that don't make sense. Feeling unworthy or unappreciated, disappointed, happy, content. Feeling angry. Feeling sad.
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Shifting Focus
I realized that i measured my self worth by the way people treated me and by how much love i received from the people i care about it.
Friday, November 30, 2018
Detox Your Life
[Muslim]
It's likely that you are a kind helpful person by nature, and sometimes you allow people to take advantage of you, because you're nice and you want to be a people pleaser. Stop this pattern! it's killing your SELF RESPECT and will only let people step all over you. so what you need to do is :
1. Recognize when someone is taking advantage of your time or kindness.
2. Act. Say something. SPEAK UP.
For Ex. Someone calls ans asks you to do work for free whether its a logo design or an event or any service people usually PAY for. They don't bring up payment. They say things like " oh this is actually good for you and i'll tell all my friends about your work" AS if they are doing YOU a favor by letting you do the work for FREE. Next time you are in a situation like this, friend or not.
You say : " that's great i would love to help you but i will email you a quotation for approval." If they keep insisting on free work you say since you are my friend and i will give you a discount. If they get upset, they are not your true friends.
3. Pay attention to little details that you let go.
So that is just one example.
I was sent this very powerful video that i believe everyone needs to watch and i will translate it to those who do not understand arabic. Detox is not only with food but with people and your relationship with others and she talks about the kinds of people you need to cut out of your life ( unless if they are family like your mom or sister or relatives). We are talking about unhealthy toxic friendships and this video will help you recognize these people. I will add some of my points as well :)
1. il 7ardaneen ( ones who are always upset from you)
Someone who is always upset from you and never ever pleased. People who make you feel you are not good enough. Who always question your "niya" and good intentions. They make you feel like you did a crime when you would not have done anything. You find yourself constantly worried that you upset them. You find yourself doubting your own self and feeling always that you are not good enough. They will never be please and sometimes they are not bad people but this kind of person is toxic and will only make you feel bad always.
2. Pack your bags cause you are about to go on a GUILT TRIP.
Someone who always "بعاتبك" means that they always come to you saying things like " Why did you not call me yesterday or why haven't i heard from you in so long? Don't you care?" Again this is all to make you feel guilty and those people will never ever accept any excuse and make you feel bad no matter what excuse you tell them. True friends don't judge and they don't even need to hear your excuse.
People who sit with you and are just simply negative. In their outlook in life. Negative about other people. We are like sponges and every person gives out a certain energy. They have endless complains about everything and have the ability to turn every situation into a negative one.
Negativity is incredibly harmful and contagious.
So just like you are careful to stay away from someone with Infeunza al tyooor or al khanazer or someday al bagar. You need to stay away from these people because before you know it you will such a weight on your chest and somehow their negativity moves on to you.
Human beings are like sponges and we will only absorb the energy surrounding us.
This category is not always as obvious as you think. They are those people who pretend to be your friends but seem to always put you down. Negative comments on your appearance. Negative comments on anything you do. Maybe its because of their insecurities. I had a friend who used to tell me i look like Lilo and stitch. not the girl ....the alien
There are those who just find ways to put you down. You tell them " Look i just won a wordwide logo competition!" Their reply would be something like this " Oh really.. are you sure its worldwide? cause maybe its one of those online things that only loser graphic designers join online" ermmm
Those people can't even stand to see you receive a compliment by someone else infront of them.
Somone else : Dina you look so great!
( Negative Person) : Oh you didn't see how she looked yesterday?!!
Sunday, November 18, 2018
Closer to Closure
Friday, November 16, 2018
Life Lessons I've Learned
SELF WORTH
One of the most important lessons i have learnt is knowing my self worth. All my life i have not put myself and my needs and my wants as a priority. Everyone comes first and i always have been a people pleaser and have always gone way beyond even my way to please everyone. Ofcourse no one is ever pleased and i just end up exhausted and hurt by the same people who i have spent so much of my time and efforts pleasing. Ofcourse you do good not for them only but for Allah and knowing that its human nature to help each other. Do not expect them to return your favor and know Allah will return it to you. But doing good is one thing and prioritizing someone elses favors over your needs is something else. Learn to acknowledge your self worth and to say NO without needing to justify it. Sometimes saying No just because you simply don't feel like it is totally fine. Saying No does not make you selfish.
You will meet people who will give you certain expectations from you and when you fail to meet those expectations they will make you feel guilty for things you are not supposed to be guilty for. You find yourself in a cycle of negative feelings and you stay friends with them because you know they sincerly care about you and they don't intentionally want to hurt you. After a while you realize that just because someone is kind and nice and has a good heart doesn't mean their presence in your life is going to have the same nice effect. Sometimes nice people can be toxic too. You find yourself worried all the time that they will be upset from you. You know that one mistake you make they will cross you out of their life because you have failed them yet again without knowing.
True friends shouldn't have this kind of effect on you and friends are people you go to to escape your daily drama dose and not people who add more stress and negative feelings to you. Choose your friends wisely and when you feel someone is always leaving you with a negative feeling then its time to walk away and put yourself first. Cut out toxic people who bring you down. It’s harsh but it’s not worth having people around you who do nothing but bring you down.
Not Everyone will like you
I have always had a need to be liked by others and finally i realized that not everyone will like you and that is totally okay. Who cares? Surely YOU shouldn't.
No One is Perfect
I am aware of my negative voice in my head that always puts me down and tells me things like
OH you are not good enough as a mom. It actually have the power to turn even positive compliments into insults. There is no one that is perfect and what you see on social media and what is obvious is usually far from the truth. SO when you find your negative voice in your head creeping you i want you to say :
Follow Your Instinct
I believe each one of us has an inner radar and you should never ignore it or suppress it. Your instinct is based on information that your brain has gathered either consciously or subconsciously from patterns of behavior and experiences you have been through.
Lower Your Expectations or try to have no at all
When you lower your expectations you wont be as disappointed in life and actually when something you don't expect happens you will appreciate it more. Most of all don't expect people to react like you in certain situations.
Know when to walk away
There are many signs that you are in a toxic relationship whether its with a friend or a partner and these signs are signs we tend to ignore or justify somehow. If you have a friend that you cant talk to without feeling like you are walking on eggshells in each conversation you have because they seem to get upset all the time. If you find yourself feeling so negative about yourself, worried and anxious because of how this person seems to manipulate you into making you feel guilty for the simplest things. Friendship is not measured by how long you have known the person or by how much time you spend together but how you feel with that person.
When you make a choice to walk away it will be very hard at first especially because of memories of those good times is not a bad thing, it’s actually great that you had some positive experiences. But the toxicity will outweigh the good times, and you will realize that there are better times ahead with people who are better for you.
When you leave your toxic relationship, you will feel an extreme sense of relief.
You’ll be proud of the decision you made to leave and feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you will wonder why you put up with this feeling for so long and you will look back and wonder how you stayed for so long. You’ll be thankful for the experience that you had and that you learned so much from it. You’ll see their life progress from afar and be happy for them, but happier for yours.
Take Care of Yourself
Exercise and try new things and make time for yourself and know that even your children will learn to value themselves when they see that you value yourself and your health and have time for yourself. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself. I personally found that boxing is the best therapy and exercise and i highly recommend. ( mostly after you have done math homework with the kids )
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Respect and love yourself and others will do the same.
Forgive
Forgive yourself. Forgive those who have wronged you no matter how hard it is to forgive them because just means that you've made peace with the pain, and you are ready to let it go. Forgiveness is not something we do for others it's something we do for ourselves.