The Grief No One Expects

There is a kind of heartbreak that surprises you the kind that arrives unexpectedly yet quietly and leaves you questioning yourself more than ever before. 

Sometimes it comes from a connection that was never clearly defined. A bond that existed somewhere between closeness and distance. Just enough warmth to make you believe it meant something, but never enough certainty to know if it was real.

You tell yourself you’re imagining it. That maybe you’re asking for too much. That maybe, if you’re patient, things will eventually make sense.

But inconsistency has a way of slowly wearing down even the strongest sense of self. When someone gives you moments of attention and then disappears into silence, you begin searching for meaning in every small interaction. You start wondering why you were so open, so giving, and so transparent with this person. Was it because you believed the connection was something rare? Or was it simply because, after a long time, you wanted to feel something again?

The hardest part isn’t the ending. It’s realizing that what hurt you most wasn’t the person themselves, but the feeling they awakened inside you, a feeling you thought you had already overcome. The quiet fear of never being enough. Of being easily forgotten.

Sometimes people enter our lives not to stay, but to reveal the places within us that still need healing.

And grief doesn’t always follow logic. You can grieve something that was never fully yours. You can feel the loss of something that never truly had a name.

But with time comes clarity.

The people who truly value you don’t leave you guessing about where you stand. They don’t create confusion where there should be sincerity. Real connection doesn’t rely on uncertainty.

Eventually, you stop asking why things unfolded the way they did. You are actually grateful they walked away from you because you were unable to take that step yourself. You are thankful for the good memories and for this ache that made you realize that you really don’t need them or their validation to be happy. 

You begin to recognize something far more important: your ability to care deeply was never a weakness. It was simply given in the wrong place.

And that realization, quietly and slowly, is where healing begins.

Survival Mode

For most of my life, I thought the way my mind worked was normal. Recently, a close friend of mine who is a therapist told me something that initially confused me. She said that after getting to know me, she realized I seem to live in a constant “Survival Alert Mode”

At first I didn’t fully understand what she meant. But the more I reflected on it, the more it made sense. 

When someone experiences repeated trauma throughout their life, the body and mind adapt in order to survive. One of the ways they do that is by constantly scanning for danger. You read body language, you read the room for signs, you analyze words and refer to previous scenarios in your mind. Your mind starts overthinking , predicting worst-case scenarios, and mentally preparing for everything that could possibly go wrong. It feels like a form of protection as if being mentally prepared will somehow soften the blow when something bad happens.

But one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is this no matter how prepared you think you are, when something truly painful happens, it is almost always worse than anything you imagined. It’s like studying a subject for a test you are not sure you will take but finding out you were tested in a whole other subject. And usually it’s POP Quiz 🫨

All that constant vigilance, all that overthinking it doesn’t actually shield you from the pain.

So I’m trying to shift my perspective.

I’m trying to let go of the illusion that I can prepare myself for every possible outcome or control what life brings my way. Because the truth is, none of us really can.

What I can hold on to instead is something much more grounding is my faith in Allahs will. And my Faith that everything that is meant to happen will happen and now I will focus on this verse from the Quran.

“إِنَّ مَعَ الْعُسْرِ يُسْرًا” 

It means:

“Indeed, with hardship comes ease.”

Looking back at everything I’ve been through, I can see that even in my hardest moments, Allah was always there in my life in so many ways and has sent me so many amazing people to lift me up from my lowest guiding me, strengthening me, and helping me find my way through things I once thought I would never survive.

Maybe the goal isn’t to stay in survival mode forever.

Maybe the goal is to trust that whatever comes, Allah will give us the strength to get through and to have that kind of trust is far more powerful than any attempt at control. 

Living in a constant state of anxiety and hyper alertness is exhausting both mentally,emotionally, and physically. 

Trusting that Allah is guiding me allows me to release the impossible burden of trying to predict and prevent every impossible outcome, and instead, find strength and peace in the present moment and comfort knowing that Allah will always be there 💕 and to always say الحمدلله

Soul Mates?

For as long as I can remember, I was a hopeless romantic.

I believed in “the one.” In a love that felt like destiny rather than a choice. I believed that somewhere out there was a person designed specifically for me someone who would understand me effortlessly, love me endlessly, and never make me question where I stood.

I didn’t just want love. I wanted epic love.

The kind of love I saw in movies like The Notebook, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and most recently Wuthering Heights 🥹

The kind of love that no memory loss, no dementia, no obstacle could erase.

The stories where love conquered everything.

Kont habla…

But the truth didn’t arrive dramatically. It came quietly, through disappointments when reality gave me the biggest slaps in the face🫠 

I learned that someone who feels like “the one” can still be the one who causes you more pain than you ever imagined. The one who breaks your heart into so many pieces that you don’t know if you’ll ever trust another man again.

I realized I had romanticized the idea of true love and fate so deeply that I ignored every red flag waving right in front of me. I told myself that if I just worked harder, loved harder, stayed longer I could still get the magical story I had written in my head.

What I didn’t know then was that my low self-worth then that was quietly influencing my choices. It made me tolerate what I should have walked away from. It made me justify the unjustifiable.

I still believe in love.

I’ve just let go of the fairytale version of it.

Love is consistency.

Butterflies are usually anxiety, not magic.

Love is choosing your person every single day.

Strong chemistry does not automatically mean compatibility.

Believing too deeply in the idea of “soulmates” can make you overlook red flags. It can make you stay longer than you should. It can convince you that intensity equals destiny.

It doesn’t.

Now, I’m not looking for epic.

I’m looking for steady.

I want consistency.

I want safety.

I want someone who deeply cares for me, supports me, sees my worth, and loves even the parts of me I struggle to love myself.

Who chooses me without doubt and never makes me question their love.

I deserve that kind of love.

I deserve happiness.

I deserve to be loved the way I love deeply and effortlessly.

And this time, I won’t settle for anything less and now all I want is to heal and to gently gather all the pieces of myself that were scattered in loving someone who couldn’t love me the way I deserved.

Maybe soulmates do exist.

Some arrive to show you what love is NOT so you can finally recognize what love IS.

Some people come into your life and leave fingerprints on your soul. They teach you how deeply you can feel. They show you parts of yourself you didn’t know existed.

But maybe they aren’t limited to just one person.

Maybe a soulmate It’s about understanding that love should not require you to abandon yourself. isn’t a once in a lifetime destiny written in the stars. Maybe it’s anyone who meets you in a way that feels aligned and familiar.

Someone who mirrors yours souls in ways you can’t understand.

Someone who awakens something in you that you thought died a long time ago.

Maybe we have different soulmates for different stages of our lives.

Not every soulmate is meant to stay forever. Soulmates that awaken you maybe will always hold a special in your heart and you have to live knowing that the weren’t meant to stay and walking away has nothing to do with the lack of love.

Soulmates are not always a romantic connection it can be your best friend. Someone who feels like home. They understand you without explanation, stand by you without conditions, and love you the way you are. It’s the kind of connection that’s deep, loyal, and forever built on trust, laughter, and being completely yourself around them. I will forever be grateful to have my best friend now who has supported me like no other person and is the biggest blessing in my life. 

And maybe the most important soulmate you’ll ever meet… is yourself.

Maybe the lesson isn’t that there is only one person meant for you. That we have many soulmates in life and I am blessed to have met more than one soulmate. 

Maybe the lesson is that you are allowed to choose someone who chooses you back fully, safely, consistently. 

And if this love soulmate connection never appears in my life.. I am whole enough to know that I will always be enough to make myself happy and I don’t need someone else to complete me. 

Life After Divorce

 

Last post I posted was about me being in an endless loop. Well I am out of that loop…

So after 18 years of marriage we agreed on Divorce and it’s the best for everyone this way.People will always ask you why?

Especially after this long and truth is divorce isn’t an overnight decision and whoever takes this decision obviously tried every single thing to fix the marriage till divorce is the best decision for all.

Divorce is often described as the end of a chapter, but in reality, it’s more like a sudden plot twist in the story of your life, one you didn’t ask for but one that can shape you in ways you never imagined. 

For anyone going through it, the emotional rollercoaster can be overwhelming. One day you feel relieved, the next day heartbroken. One moment you’re angry, the next moment strangely free.

The truth is, life after divorce is a mix of loss, discovery, and opportunity. It’s messy, unpredictable, and deeply human but it’s also a chance to rediscover yourself in ways a marriage sometimes doesn’t allow.

All I can say is that I’m looking forward to the rest of my life and I have no regrets because I truly believe everything happens for a reason and Allah has a better plan for me and I have my wonderful girls. 

I will share some positive thoughts for someone who is recently divorced.

I can sleep diagonally in my bed or like a starfish.

I watch any show I want on tv.

I have my friends over at anytime and best thing of all is I have my.. PEACE!

So weird to adjust to the idea of being single after so long 

Al Hamdulilah for everything..