A question we all have heard and endless number of times but the truth is is anyone really ever truly OKAY? Aren’t we all messed up and trying to figure out life day by day?
I usually smile and say Ofcourse I’m okay and if I’m not I will be okay.
I hid my feelings in a bottle and hid it in the depth of my soul.. I locked it away and hid it even from myself and convinced myself it is not there but I think the feelings are getting too toxic that this bottle will soon shatter into a million pieces inside of me as there is no inch left inside of me that has not been tainted with hurtful words and experiences.
I mask it all with a smile . A joke. I am able to convince everyone I’m totally okay as I’ve always been. Truth is I don’t really think I ever was ‘okay’ I have to stay strong and life has to go on. Too many people depend on me and need me to be strong. Everyone has their own troubles and own pain to worry about so I must keep this mask on because there is no other option.
Some days I’m able to fool people better than others but recently I’ve just been feeling that I buried my feelings so deep down that I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I feel there is an army of my trapped feelings planning an escape and that when I least expect it they will break down those walls I’ve spent so long building . It’s like expecting yajooj wa majooj to attack at any second.
We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.
Don’t know when and don’t know what the trigger will be but I know that it’s coming when I least expect it to.
So what I’m saying is that it’s okay not be okay.. Okay?
It's been over a week since my father passed away Allah yerhamo. Everyday I wake up and the first thought is 'my dad died!' Some might think death comes easier when it is expected but sadly it isn't easy to lose someone you love even if death might come as relief of years of pain.
You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone. Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.
I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.
Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain في علم الغيب.
Death comes with regret of the things your could of done and could have said. Death comes with thoughts of unfinished conversations and broken promises. Somehow with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions you will feel stuck in your grief. You wonder if there is anything you could have done to make things end up differently. You regret all the times you missed out on spending time with your father. In the end we know everything happens the way it was written by Allah and we say al Hamdullilah for everything.
The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.
Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.
He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين. He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.
It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.
I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.
A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.
Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.
I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.
I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.
I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up. I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always. I can’t bear the thought that my children will not have their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you. I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone.
I love you always and I will pray for you everyday.
Insha2Allah you are in a better place with no pain where you can walk and talk and eat all the yummy food you used to love to eat. I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me
لهم ارحمه تحت الأرض و يوم العرض عليك، اللهم قه عذابك يوم تبعث عبادك. اللهمّ املأ قبره بالرّضا، والنّور، والفسحة، والسّرور. اللهم ادخله الجنة من غير مناقشة حساب، ولا سابقة عذاب، اللهم آنسه في وحدته، وآنس وحشته. اللهم ان كان من المحسنين فزد فى حسناته و إن كان من المسيئين فتجاوز عن سيئاته.
If the year 2018 was anything for me it was a journey of self discovery and awareness. Suddenly many truths have become clear to me and i started seeing many things the way they are rather than how i feel they are or how i feel they should be.
All my life i have been a people pleaser and i am a giver and i love to give and giving and helping others brings me joy. Unfortunately looking back at my experiences in life most of them have ended badly with disappointments and people taking advantage of kindess. They know you will not say NO. So they ask you to do things that you are shocked they ask you to do. Yet in-spite of that shock of them asking you to do these incredibly HUGE favors you say YES because they asked so nicely and because they are your friends and because well you feel maybe you want to help.
Before you know it something happens and you realize that that person would never return the favor or even appreciate it. They have reached a point where you doing these things has become something expected from you and not something you are thanked for even.
You continue to do good and know Allah will return it to you but yet you mature and start to realize that you can say NO.
Reminds me of this Hadith :
عن أبي هريرة رضي الله عنه قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: " المؤمن القوي خير وأحب إلى
الله من المؤمن الضعيف وفي كل خير. احرص على ما ينفعك، واستعن بالله ولا
تعجز. وإن أصابك شيء فلا تقل: لو أني فعلت كان كذا وكذا، ولكن قل:
قدر الله، وما شاء فعل؛ فإن لو تفتح عمل الشيطان" (( رواه مسلم))
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported:
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "A strong believer is
better and dearer to Allah than a weak one, and both are good. Adhere
to that which is beneficial for you. Keep asking Allah for help and do
not refrain from it. If you are afflicted in any way, do not say: 'If I
had taken this or that step, it would have resulted into such and such,'
but say only: 'Allah so determined and did as He willed.' The word 'if'
opens the gates of satanic thoughts".
[Muslim]
So being a good muslim doesn't mean being a pushover. Being a good person doesn't mean never saying NO. Even Allah loves a strong mu2min more than a weak one. Being strong is by standing up to yourself. Being strong is not being afraid to say what is right and what is wrong. SayYes when you want to and make it on your terms and not theirs.
I have come a long way and i am still learning but in school now my daughter is dealing with a girl who is bullying her. I spoke to the mom and i thought it was resolved till i found out that the only difference has become that my daughter has been afraid to speak up and listened to everything this girl tell her to do including laughing at other kids. Threatening her saying if she doesn't she will tell secrets about her and get her in trouble. I know my Lulu is very kind. She just wants to have friends and she even told me the girl makes her carry her bag! You know as a mother sometimes there are things that happen to us and people mistreat us in life but if someone hurts my daughter... they have unleashed... the inner HULK
And i realized that she is a copy of me and i don't want her to go through years and year of people taking advantage of her and living in fear of being rejected or not loved. I think we should bring this awareness to our children because even as adults we might not realize the many toxic people we have in our life. We should stop this need for being loved by everyone.
We justify their toxic behavior because we always tend to look at the good side of people and the good they do. And sometimes those people really care about you and love you but still doesn't meant that they cant be toxic for you.
How many times has your friend come to you and told you about she has been mistreated and you just feel so angry because in the end when you don't walk away from it you are allowing it. And sometimes we allow it because we think we deserve it. You then you wonder that if this happened to you would you feel this strongly about it? Would you be this angry or do you feel you deserve this treatment? If the same thing was done to you would you react the same way if it was done to someone you care about? your daughter? ohhhh HELL NO
And why is it that you take peoples mistreatment to yourself so lightly??
Why is it that you allow others to take advantage of you and control you and justify their actions?
Because... you lack SELF RESPECT!
It's likely that you are a kind helpful person by nature, and sometimes you
allow people to take advantage of you, because you're nice and you want
to be a people pleaser. Stop this pattern! it's killing your SELF RESPECT and will only let people step all over you. so what you need to do is :
1. Recognize when someone is taking advantage of your time or kindness.
2. Act. Say something. SPEAK UP.
For Ex. Someone calls ans asks you to do work for free whether its a logo design or an event or any service people usually PAY for. They don't bring up payment. They say things like " oh this is actually good for you and i'll tell all my friends about your work" AS if they are doing YOU a favor by letting you do the work for FREE. Next time you are in a situation like this, friend or not.
You say : " that's great i would love to help you but i will email you a quotation for approval." If they keep insisting on free work you say since you are my friend and i will give you a discount. If they get upset, they are not your true friends.
3. Pay attention to little details that you let go.
For ex: More than once i would be out with people and not eat and maybe just have a drink while many order shisha and some even order STEAK and in the end they divide the bill equally. And you end up not speaking up because you feel it would make you look bad to say something. But in reality.. YOU Should not pay 295 AED for a cup of diet seven up and bread and butter.
So that is just one example.
Once i was sitting with a group of girls, and one of the bossy girls was next to me. Her friend arrived late and when she arrived she looked at me and said " Dina get up and give your seat to her so she sits next to me". i didn't even think twice, i got up and gave the girl my seat. It was only later it hit me.. SHE should have gotten up. I was sitting there before her. It was MY SEAT. So why did i just not say "Sorry i was here first if you want to sit next to her maybe you can move". Because not speaking up even though you think its to avoid problems it is not a solution. Every time you don't speak up it adds a bad feeling about yourself in your heart because each time you don't speak up YOU disrespect yourself and allow people to DISRESPECT you.
I was sent this very powerful video that i believe everyone needs to watch and i will translate it to those who do not understand arabic. Detox is not only with food but with people and your relationship with others and she talks about the kinds of people you need to cut out of your life ( unless if they are family like your mom or sister or relatives). We are talking about unhealthy toxic friendships and this video will help you recognize these people. I will add some of my points as well :)
The kinds of toxic people you need to get our of your life
1. il 7ardaneen ( ones who are always upset from you)
Someone who is always upset from you and never ever pleased. People who make you feel you are not good enough. Who always question your "niya" and good intentions. They make you feel like you did a crime when you would not have done anything. You find yourself constantly worried that you upset them. You find yourself doubting your own self and feeling always that you are not good enough. They will never be please and sometimes they are not bad people but this kind of person is toxic and will only make you feel bad always.
2. Pack your bags cause you are about to go on a GUILT TRIP.
Someone who always "بعاتبك" means that they always come to you saying things like " Why did you not call me yesterday or why haven't i heard from you in so long? Don't you care?" Again this is all to make you feel guilty and those people will never ever accept any excuse and make you feel bad no matter what excuse you tell them. True friends don't judge and they don't even need to hear your excuse.
People who sit with you and are just simply negative. In their outlook in life. Negative about other people. We are like sponges and every person gives out a certain energy. They have endless complains about everything and have the ability to turn every situation into a negative one.
Negativity is incredibly harmful and contagious.
So just like you are careful to stay away from someone with Infeunza al tyooor or al khanazer or someday al bagar. You need to stay away from these people because before you know it you will such a weight on your chest and somehow their negativity moves on to you.
Human beings are like sponges and we will only absorb the energy surrounding us.
4. The Meanies
This category is not always as obvious as you think. They are those people who pretend to be your friends but seem to always put you down. Negative comments on your appearance. Negative comments on anything you do. Maybe its because of their insecurities. I had a friend who used to tell me i look like Lilo and stitch. not the girl ....the alien
There are those who just find ways to put you down. You tell them " Look i just won a wordwide logo competition!" Their reply would be something like this " Oh really.. are you sure its worldwide? cause maybe its one of those online things that only loser graphic designers join online" ermmm
Those people can't even stand to see you receive a compliment by someone else infront of them.
Somone else : Dina you look so great!
( Negative Person) : Oh you didn't see how she looked yesterday?!!
I know it might seem hard to just cut these people out of your life. Especially if you have known them for so long. But after a while the continuous negative effect on your life will make your feel like you are " makhnoo2a" ( suffocating). And you realize the reasons you have for keeping in your life are not good enough.
Take that step. Just walk away. Feel Empowered again. Take back control of your life and RESPECT YOURSELF! And most of all you need to teach your children about this and about boundaries and how people should always respect you and your boundaries.
Think of all the time you have wasted in "muajamalat" and doing things for people who don't deserve it rather than doing the things for the people you love and seeing the people you love.
You can never get that time back. Use your precious time wisely. Most of all LOVE YOURSELF
Closure : the psychology definition is a person's desire for a direct
answer to a question that, once answered, leaves no room for
uncertainty. When a person has a "need" for closure, we're saying that the
person is looking for answers they need to clear up any
doubts they may have so they can move on.
You feel you can only move on if you understood why things happened. Like why that certain friend treated you the way they did and if there was something you could have done to fix it or if you were to blame. Why that someone crushed your heart even though they saw the best of you. You wonder you put yourself in that situation and allowed certain things to happen to you and wish you reacted differently to change things.
You find yourself in a vicious cycle of doubts, questions,self blame, guilt and most of all you feel trapped and have the need to hear those answers, to hear that sincere apology or explanation, admission of guilt. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings. You feel like shizophrenic because you have so many mixed feelings.
Sometimes even the person you need closure from gets sick or is unable to speak or passes away along with all your unanswered questions. Sometimes they are alive and well but you would never confront them with these questions. You need to make peace with yourself & you need to forgive yourself for the things you never said to that person and probably will never will say.
Yet we still find ourselves dwelling in the past and feeling like we still need closure about certain things we have been through. Whether its a very bad experience that you somehow found a way to blame yourself for or just an experience we never really got over. You have to know it is normal that we sometimes cling onto what once
was and have the need to have certain unanswered questions answered.
But you need to accept that loving and caring about someone is not a good
enough reason to be with them if their friendship or relationship is
harming you.
Most of the time in life you will never get those answers
and truth of the matter is closure and moving should not depend on those
answers.
Closure comes from within yourself and you are the one that has set your own expectations to move on.
Acknowledge that moving on can happen whether or not those things you feel you need to happen happen.
You find yourself even if years later when you think of that someone and the pain is still there and you realize by never allowing yourself to get closure you have not allowed yourself to heal.
Whether its someone who broke your heart in the past or a friend you very attached to that isn't part of your life anymore. You need to accept that whatever happened has happened for a reason and that it is for the best. You need to believe that there is no point in pointing fingers and asking questions that maybe you actually would not like to hear the answers to. Talking about it or confronting them might do more harm than good.
I have learned how to find closure within myself instead of looking to someone else to give it to me.
If a man cheats on you its not because of something you lack or because you are not pretty enough or good enough. If a friend doesn't appreciate you its not because you are not worthy of appreciation. If someone mistreats you or hurts you it is not because you deserve it or because you allowed it.
What consumes your mind controls your life.
Gain back control over your life and do not give anyone that much power.
Getting closure is not easy but once you realize the power is in your hands it will be easier for you to move on.
It has been so long since i wrote but i feel there has been a change in me and my experiences have taught me so many lessons that i would like to share with you.
One of the most important lessons i have learnt is knowing my self worth. All my life i have not put myself and my needs and my wants as a priority. Everyone comes first and i always have been a people pleaser and have always gone way beyond even my way to please everyone. Ofcourse no one is ever pleased and i just end up exhausted and hurt by the same people who i have spent so much of my time and efforts pleasing. Ofcourse you do good not for them only but for Allah and knowing that its human nature to help each other. Do not expect them to return your favor and know Allah will return it to you. But doing good is one thing and prioritizing someone elses favors over your needs is something else. Learn to acknowledge your self worth and to say NO without needing to justify it. Sometimes saying No just because you simply don't feel like it is totally fine. Saying No does not make you selfish.
You will meet people who will give you certain expectations from you and when you fail to meet those expectations they will make you feel guilty for things you are not supposed to be guilty for. You find yourself in a cycle of negative feelings and you stay friends with them because you know they sincerly care about you and they don't intentionally want to hurt you. After a while you realize that just because someone is kind and nice and has a good heart doesn't mean their presence in your life is going to have the same nice effect. Sometimes nice people can be toxic too. You find yourself worried all the time that they will be upset from you. You know that one mistake you make they will cross you out of their life because you have failed them yet again without knowing.
True friends shouldn't have this kind of effect on you and friends are people you go to to escape your daily drama dose and not people who add more stress and negative feelings to you. Choose your friends wisely and when you feel someone is always leaving you with a negative feeling then its time to walk away and put yourself first. Cut out toxic people who bring you down. It’s harsh but it’s not worth having people around you who do nothing but bring you down.
I have always had a need to be liked by others and finally i realized that not everyone will like you and that is totally okay. Who cares? Surely YOU shouldn't.
No One is Perfect
I am aware of my negative voice in my head that always puts me down and tells me things like
OH you are not good enough as a mom. It actually have the power to turn even positive compliments into insults. There is no one that is perfect and what you see on social media and what is obvious is usually far from the truth. SO when you find your negative voice in your head creeping you i want you to say :
I believe each one of us has an inner radar and you should never ignore it or suppress it. Your instinct is based on information that your brain has gathered either consciously or subconsciously from
patterns of behavior and experiences you have been through.
When you loweryour expectations you wont be as disappointed in life and actually when something you don't expect happens you will appreciate it more. Most of all don't expect people to react like you in certain situations.
There are many signs that you are in a toxic relationship whether its with a friend or a partner and these signs are signs we tend to ignore or justify somehow. If you have a friend that you cant talk to without feeling like you are walking on eggshells in each conversation you have because they seem to get upset all the time. If you find yourself feeling so negative about yourself, worried and anxious because of how this person seems to manipulate you into making you feel guilty for the simplest things. Friendship is not measured by how long you have known the person or by how much time you spend together but how you feel with that person.
When you make a choice to walk away it will be very hard at first especially because of memories of those good times is not a bad thing, it’s actually
great that you had some positive experiences. But the toxicity will
outweigh the good times, and you will realize that there are better
times ahead with people who are better for you.
When you leave your toxic relationship, you will feel an extreme sense of relief.
You’ll be proud of the decision you made to leave and feel like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and you will wonder why you put up with this feeling for so long and you will look back and wonder how you stayed for so long. You’ll be
thankful for the experience that you had and that you learned so much
from it. You’ll see their life progress from afar and be happy for them,
but happier for yours.
Exercise and try new things and make time for yourself and know that even your children will learn to value themselves when they see that you value yourself and your health and have time for yourself. Teach them to love themselves by learning to love yourself. I personally found that boxing is the best therapy and exercise and i highly recommend. ( mostly after you have done math homework with the kids )
People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Respect and love yourself and others will do the same.
Forgive yourself. Forgive those who have wronged you no matter how hard it is to forgive them because just means that you've made peace with the pain, and you are ready to let it go. Forgiveness is not something we do for others it's something we do for ourselves.
So again i found myself in a situation where i did someone a favor and then after doing it i asked myself.. " HEY? Did they even appreciate what i did? Would they ever do the same for me? Would i even ever ask them to do such a thing ? Do i feel better or worse after doing this?
I have realized that pretty much all my life i have had trouble saying "NO" and not only that i feel that i can't say NO.. I feel like to say NO i need to have a like a life threatening situation. When i say NO i feel like i have to justify it so many times because i wouldnt want that person asking me to do the favor to be upset. I spend my time trying to please others and i get out of my way and i prioritize others over myself.
I have started to realize that being a people pleaser doesnt make people like you more or respect you more. It actually makes them belittle you more and in arabic " ما بعملولك حساب"
Who should we ask to do this huge unthinkable favor? DINA? why because she will say YES!
I remember in University days a girl i barely knew asked me to drop her off to her house which is very far from university and I had a class! She kept asking me to drop her off i missed my class just so i can drop her back home. I don't know what i was thinking and if i was thinking even but i know for sure i would never ask someone to do that for me. I also know that the girl never really cared about me or appreciated what i did for her.
I have been in this situation so many times and in the end i used to tell myself "Do it for Allah" and that Allah will reward you if you do good deeds. Truth is that way of thinking doesn't always make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better because the things i do for others are not exactly charity work and i dont consider the favors i do real needs. They are usually just people who feel entitled and feel that the world owes them a favor. They come up and ask you to do something like " hey why don't you design a logo or invitation for me since you are fabulous designer. And you tell yourself okay i will do it and you think its a nice gesture.
They end up spending hours and hours tweaking your work and talking to you like they are your boss and in the end you are surprised that when they start thier own business one day and you want to support them by buying something from them they don't even offer you a discount because business is business right?
Or even worse they decide after the many hours you spent on the design that they don't want do this business afterall and they dont need the design.
What i have realized is that the problem was never people who take advantage of you. The real problem is knowing yourself worth and knowing that your time is precious and you get to decide what you want to do with it.
Know that if someone asks you to do something you can do EASILY and you just dont feel like doing it because you would rather stare at a WALL! YOU CAN SAY NO!
Know that those who most likely ask you do extreme favors that you would never ask them to do most likely have just called you for that favor and only call your when they need something.
Never agree to do something that you yourself would never ask someone to do for you.
Charity and good deeds can be done at your own time when you want to do them and don't come in a form of favors for others .
Never prioritize someone else needs over your own or your family and know that the most important thing is you and your family.
No one will ever out you above themselves.
Remember you can always say NO.. BiDEESH without even justifying it and feeling the need to justify it.
I have noticed those who give off the " im entitled" vibe don't only get what they want, others actually feel like they deserve it! They want everything to end up their way and feel superior somehow. They live with the belief that they are inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment by others.
Always remember that people will only do to you what YOU allow them to. And doing a favor shouldnt be the reason someone likes you or disklikes you. If they choose to dislike you for not agreeing to do thier favor maybe they were never really your friends in the first place.
Know your SelfWorth. Respect Yourself. Love Yourself and Put yourself and your Family First.
Help Others always but on your own terms and when YOU willingly want to and not because they manipiluated you or made you feel that you MUST.
I feel in life there are those who are Belittled and those who feel Entitled.
Which one are you?
And that my dears is what i call my SELF Therapy Session of the night.
I lie awake in bed
A million thoughts running in my head
My face is lit up by my phone screen
Then I Remember " I need to buy sunscreen"
I am sleepy tired and know I should sleep
Tomorrow when the alarm rings I shall weep
But for now I can't seem to put my phone down
Let me check instagram and snapchat to see who is in town
I know I'm addicted and I need to stop this habit
The moment I put my phone down I find an excuse to GRAB it
How did we live our lives without social media
When we needed to search for something did we pick up the encyclopedia?
I worry about our kids and what they are exposed to
And how hard it is to control what they see and what they do
For now I'll try to get some sleep
Let me start counting my Sheep
The older you get the less tolerance for fakeness and fake people and negative people and you slowly start to realize who are really your friends and who are the people who just remember you when they need something. You will be shocked to how many people live their life like its a Kuwait musalsal or hindi Film.
Somehow a whatsapp message turns into a family feud! Some people are deeply offended by things that you didnt even notice or do consciously and its those people you need to limit your interactions with. The more you spend with them the more they will twist your actions and words and spread rumors and believe me if im looking for drama i will just watch my Turkish musasal.
I am like a sponge .. ana SBonJiBob... if the people around me are dramatic i feel tension and drama. If the people around me are negative and depressing i tend to feel depressed and feel the need to solve their problems. Then one day you wake up and realize those people who depressed you with their problems are not as depressed about thier problems as you are. You realize people will only share the negative things and hide the good things that happen to them in fear of " 7asad".
You will one day wake up and realize how short life is and if you waste it trying to please people who will never ever be pleased, or trying to fit in the wrong group of people you will only feel worse and you will never ever please them.
Think about yourself and what you want. Do not get out of your way to see those who will pull you down and hurt you. Be around those who lift you up and care for you because life is short and...
i'm sitting here wide awake at 3 am. thinking so many thoughts, worrying about things before they happen. Regretting, forgetting and analyzing my life. I think of how old my kids are now and it passed by so quickly. And well Laila is just 6 and graduating for KG2 and i know in a blink of an eye ill be sitting there in her high school and college graduation ( inshala).
Suddenly im that annoying Auntee that keeps telling her friends kids " ya habibi i know you since you were this big * makes a baby hand gesture that from the look of that teenage boys face is not a compliment at all. It suddenly hit me.. IM A KHALTO NOW! OFFICIAL!
Incase if you were wondering if you were one already here is a LIST i made for you!
You know you are getting OLD & are an Official Auntee KHALTO
1. When you visit your friends whom you havent seen in a long time you OVERREACT when their kids come in the room. See in your head he is still a TODDLER.. suddenly a MAN enters the room and you actually NEED TO WEAR YOUR HIJAB.. GASP.. ofcourse you say.. something like
LA LA LA LA hada ibnek.. MA BASADE2.. akher mara shufto kaan lisa berda3.. * awkward silence * oh that is your son last time i saw him he was still breastfeeding. & You start sharing embarrassing stories like " last time you came over your mom was potty training you pooped all over my carpet. 2. You find that most of your conversations suddenly take a turn and you end up talking about RECIPES . "Ah wallah hayk bta3maleeha.. la2 ana ba7ot shway zebdeh ba3dayn bakhaleeha ten2a3 shway"..
3. When you sit down or get up you make those little moaning sound.. Ehh ... or say something like " Ya Allah.. Yama ya habeebti.. heeeeh " or ask the nearest child or person to help you get up. 4. When someone gives you a recipe and says " Rashet male7" a hint of salt or shwayet baharat.. you actually know what those baharat ARE and how much you need to put in the Tabkha 5. You now have official sub7eyat with other khaltos many who are still are unaware of the STAGE of khalto they have become.
6. You probably by now suffer from a Back Disc, or neck disc or just back pain or joint pain or have had your gallbladder removed. or like me All of the above.. 7. You just want to wear that SAME BIJAMA that you have had for a billion years cause nothing is just as comfy. Inspite of the fact that you have many other PJS but none are as comfy as this one and no one can really see that hole anyway.
8. You can't walk in heels and when you do decide to walk in heels you carry a little bag with a SHIBSHIB with you & Clarks & hush puppies and Berkinstock are your fav shoe shops.
9. Your Digestive system starts failing you are your body reacts to the things you eat and you just cant eat the things you used to. And before going anywhere first you make sure there is a BATHROOM there.
10. When you hang up the phone you now do the " Ahlayn Ahlayn.. Allah ma3ek.. Ah ah " byebyebyebye ahlayn ahlayn bye bye 11. When you have visitors over you always stand at the door before they leave and talk for like 30 mins 13. When your kids are naughty and you have visitors over you give them "THE LOOK" that you used to get growing up that meant " ra7 afarjeeki bas yraw7o" 14. You can no longer stay out very late and want to be home early & are exhausted by the end of the day.
15. You talk about prices and " Ghala il Dinya wa il 3eeshe" a lot & ask about schools. 16. Getting off the couch is not as easy as sitting on it. 17. When that old lady in the Zumba Class keeps giving you the " i know how you feel" look.
18. You actually start realizing there is a different taste to " mlookhye, jibne and Zaatar from Amman or palestine" & will most likely have some in your bag if you travel.
19. You say things like " YA ma7la il hawayat" & constantly compliment people in a formal manner. 20. You make 'du3a" for everyone when they do something nice for you ' Allah yerda 3alieki" & you start using those Amthaal like ( feel free to use these phrases and evolve into a khalto instantly: il ALEB GHALEB The Inside Is The Winner)(You Are More Beautiful Than Your Dress) "Ya Raytak Khreet Wa Ma Hkeet" (i wish you had pooped instead of SPOKEN) ( havent used this one yet but its very expressive) haha Bil Wijj Mmrayeh Wa Bil Afa Surmayeh ( In Your Face He Is A Mirror And Behind You He Is A Slipper)
A3mali Mnih Wa Kib Bil Bahr ( Do Good and Throw It In the Sea) Al Urd Bi A3yn Immo Ghazal ( The Monkey in His Mothers Eye Is a Ghazelle) *i can go on FOREVER. Anyway.. hope this has helped some of you learn that they are also now KHALTOS LIKE ME WELTCHOME TO THE CLUB * hands over knitting kit and glasses as prize and REMEMBER THIS :
I am someone who reads a lot into things. I tend to overanalyze things that happen sometimes its good but other times its like.. over the top and excruciatingly annoying to those around me who just don't OVERTHINK things..
At the end of each night.. after kids finally in bed and i can actually hear my thoughts.. and the many voices in my head.. several with different accents.. i replay all my day and the events that happened and then one of the voices.. the rather mean one.. starts making me feel bad about things i did like. yelling at laila for not going to bed.. or replaying a conversation i had with my friends and suddenly the another voice comes and thinks of what the girl said to me and says things like..
"OMG what did she mean by that sentence? Why didn't I say anything back? "
" You have to stop having Nutella for breakfast "
" Did you call * long list of names rolls in head.. la33333"
" YOU NEED TO WORK OUT MORE ya um KARSHE!
" Yeeee Nseeeti ta3mali .. ( fill in the blank.. cause everyday i forget something)"
so this goes on for about a few minutes before i faint from exhaustion.. and i have to say overanalyzing is stressful and unhealthy especially when you will never know if you are right most of the time..
But what i really think is a healthy thing to is to contemplate on Gods plan for us in life.. even through the little things in life.. those little details we sometimes don't notice but when you think of them you realize they are signs from God that HE is there and that nothing is a coincidence.. nothing is chance.. Its all part of a plan..what happened with me.. Is I had to get groceries and that is something I must do usually to the point it feels like I am addicted. I feel if I'm not there they will take attendance and give me a tardy letter.. Anyhooo.. I was in a rush and when i reached i realized i had no coins.. and i really needed the trolley.. and well in that same second I arrived a chinese guy was taking his stuff out of his trolley and left it right infront of me.. Perfect timing..
its like time you didnt plan on going somewhere and then end up going and meet someone there by coincidence who gets you a job
Maybe that means nothing to you.. but to me it means that every second of my day was part of a plan to reach this trolley in that second... it means God knows what i need before i need it.. God will never let us down and if we look at those little signs everyday you will feel a comforting feeling and sometimes even goosebumps from those little things that actually have much bigger meaning :)
Think Positive.. or BOSITIVE! that is something i keep trying to do or tell myself to do.. Once upon a time i used to be a very optimistic person.. very trusting..
* visual of dina skipping around in a garden of flowers with two braids bouncy in the air and birds & butterflies flying everywhere
singing snow white songs
Well that was a long time ago.. i dont know if it happened over night or was it years and years of continuous disappointments and shik shak shocks...* does al ra3sha to shik shak shok song in her head
DINA FOCUS FOCUS
ok i was saying.. so somehow.. i find myself doubting people now.. and their sincerity and even if they are doing something GOOD i'm thinking... Why is she doing this? WEISH bedha?
i find myself thinking of the worst possible scenarios about things that will happen or COULD happen and i get depressed at that possibility..
or even worse i sit with myself and analyze a certain situation to the point where ive talked to myself about it for so long in my head that i IT MUST BE TRUE??
One day i said to myself i will listen to myself.. and notice how many things i complain about daily and if these things are actually things that are as big a DEAL that i make them to be... are these things in my head or are they really FACTS?
ok truth is a lot of KAKA happens in life.. and kaka happens.. and what i'm trying to say is.. i believe that even in the worst possible scenarios in life.. when u fall in deep Buraaz.. even then you can still have positive thoughts.. think to yourself at least you are WARM?? ya333
i believe if we look hard enough in any NEGATIVE situation we can always see something positive..
Yesterday my daughter spilled her milkshake all over the floor..
i was like Laaaaaaa2aaaa * slow motion
sees milk splash everywhere as she jumps in the air trying to stop it..
i had just cleaned! and now im maidless i have so much on my plate...
and i dont mean food plate. i mean sa7n al 7ayat..
MATA-FOOR fil 3anglish ( metaphor) ya3ni
soo... as i was cleaning.. i moved the washing machine and found a spoon with "frozen" theme that i have been looking for for a long time... if she didnt spill the milk i wouldn't have found it.
thats just one ex.. but positive thoughts is something we can practice on doing and it really helps.. and it has helped me a lot... and maybe one day i will wake up without these negative thoughts..
My cup is HALF FULL.. you know what some people don't even have cups or water!
SO hamdulilah 3ala kol ishi
believing everything is part of Gods plan for us & that the good and the bad all happen for a reason everything happens for a purpose and trussing in Gods will even when you have no idea what purpose is yet is what makes things easier..
Amman.. ya 3amman... i have to say i was impressed by the new Airport.. its cleaner.. and bigger.. and more people smile.. yet there will always be those who are GARFANEEN and give you the " gul3a6 ygal3tek" look as they stamp your passport...
if you are in amman..you have to start your day with.. * drum rolll
ABU JBARAH.. the best humus and fool and falafel .. yummmm
Being in Amman always gives me schizophrenic feelings. It feels like home.. i love the weather i love the familiarity of it all.. the familiar sound of the GHAZ icecream truck music as it makes its rounds around the block.. the familiar cool breeze of air touches my face & didn't realize how much i've missed that feeling of FRESH COOL AIR..yet fe kteer ashya2 betgheez like how people DRIVE.. how people dont follow rules and are pissed off all the time...
* side note.. laqad 7ajabt il bint fil soora .. zahrat al khaleej STYLE.. haha
Speaking of FRESH AIR... one of the things i didn't appreciate in Amman is there is barely any SMOKE-FREE zone.. In one week i feel my lungs have somehow turned into a MATAKEH..
I love the familiar sound of khirfan as they pass by and you hear .... haaa3 herra3 tkkk tkkkkk
as they block the road..
I have to say the TAXI rides are still interesting and every ride you never know what kind of Driver you'll get.. there are several kinds
the " Ana mush nasaab" driver that tells you he will never fool you cause you are not from Amman and as he tells you the story drives the longest routes to your destination..
The talkative informative taxi driver that shares all sorts of "Facts" he probably just made up..
"HATH IL DAWA IL MA3i min AMREEKA la kol il amraath ya zalameh agwanou3"
The "Garfan" driver that yells something every once in a while that is probably a masabe.. last one of those i got in said... "SON OF A BISH" when i told him to park close to the door * GULP
The "Cheesy sleezy" driver.. usually has more than one front mirror decorated with Danadeesh and lights.. looks up at you
* dino sees many eyes looking at her nazrat ya33.. suddenly he plays a song as he smirks and looks at mirrors
Asaala nasri song starts" lama gat 3aynak fe 3ayneee ibtada baynhom kalam. oltelak milyoom bahbeak.. oltaha min ghier kalam
The " FANAS" driver.. makes up random stories about himself that he is driving a cab for fun and that he is actually very rich and just filling in for his cousin. Then he would say that nancy ajram was in his cab.. tayeb... LIESH nancy bedha takhod taxi fe amman.. MAJNOONEH HEEYE?
The religious driver.. plays dars deen or quran throughout the ride.. tilts front mirror so you dont show in the back.. I usually hope to get one of those cab rides.. kolo wala asala song ya333... * twitches at memory
but you know what i cringe at the sight of.. is that long.. m3affin.. ya3oo.. pinky udfar.. that many cab drivers love to ytawloo... and they started using it to poke at thier teeth.. * twitches
* side note i could not find an image of a jordan dude taxi driver with udfar taweel so i had to add the head piece here to this guy.. not sure howe meen aslan lol
If you are in amman you must take a walk on RAINBOW street.. it is the ultimate place to go.. i suggest you go hungry and pass by
WAZZUP DOG for the yummiest hotdog fil dinya.. ( this time ididnt go so lisa ba7lam feha)
my husband calls hotdogs mystery meat... hada AGWAnoo3 mystery.. and btakli wa betHAstery
then for dessert.. LAZIM
GERARD.. if i dont have GERARD icecream.. il re7le ma bten7asab 3alay.. i highly recommend the NUTELLA & the LAZY CAKE flavor... YA WARADEEE
* please note i tend to use many phrases like the above after my jordan visit no matter how short the visit is... somehow it refreshes my GUrduni side.. and i will say things like.. as my friend told me after visiting jordan no words will do jordan justice.. you HAVE TO speak bel GGAA and GURDUNI so that you deliver the intense GEMOTIONS!
ne hoooo.... sooo i was saying.. after GERARD if you have SPACE you must try...
MR KREPE... hada il ishi.... mush bas ZAKI.. you choose whaetever chooclate and more than one and you can have it in a KREPE.. * faints *drools..
only in jordan will you come across a group of jordanian guys singing like this.. i have a friend that likes to sing like this with me.. although we dont say words.. just kharabeesh haha
sadly i did not get a chance to go to CHILI HOUSE Sadeeq al tufooleh..
oh and it actually RAINED like 3 times when we were there ...
but i was invited to the best MANSAF in the world at my uncles house... and i shall dream of it till i taste it again.
We went to the DEAD SEA.. and it was beautiful.. but the funniest moment was when i look down at the beach and this Black man waves at me.. and i was like ANO HATH??? turns out its was ba3looli Mlaye6 7alo 6eeeneh.. lol
And the best place for lunch for the kids in AMMAN is Casereccio .. kids can play and make thier own pizza and its loads of fun :)
TAJ MALL was impressive.. fancy wa gameel.. loved the terrace area.. the childrens museum was also very nice for the kids..
it was nice to see my family & my niece who is adorable .. she spends so much time with my mom that she sounds like a little 7ajjeh... i was asking mama what the smell was in the kitchen if something was burning. a little voice answered
" hada mush ishi ma7roo2 hada ree7et SAMNEH "
ahaha so cute..
another funny thing that happened in jordan that i have already shared on my fb/ instagram and twitter is that my lulu drew me a picture... and clearly she sees me as a smiley Buttox.. she says im a heart- cloud.. at least im a happy butt...
lulu now starts kissing you from cheek to cheek like alf bose and says " SMALLA 3alieki SMALLA 3alieki ya habeebti".. i call that the TATA effect..
our trip ended with a little kid on the bus to the terminal telling his mom " YIl3an 7azi" cause his vacation was too short hahahah
That my Gamameeer was my trip summary.. it was nice but its good to be back...
*dina sings jordanian song she made up to Dubai
no matter where i travel.. getting back to Dubai always feels great.. i love u Dubai..
*dina dances robotic dance in airport then does moonwalk... bumps into lonlon by mistake oops
so now after this fattening post.. you might have guess that i have returned with a big KARSH and i shall be going to the gym and detoxing soon... so that i can and WILL do it again next time
