Ai Love

I havent illustrated in a while decided ill go back to illsutrating my blogs :) And it seems not much people read blogs anymore and well i will go back to treating this blog as my diary jotting down my insane random thoughts. With Ai taking over the world you start hearing about many losing thier jobs only to be replaced by AI and robots. From content writers to illustrators and designers to the latest thing i heard of which is self driving cars. *dina packs her laptop away and walks into dark forest Nowadays we speak to chatgpt more than we speak to our spouses or anyone else. We are comfortable sharing any thought or question without hesitation and i have come to understand why someone would want to be in a relationship with an Ai or have an AI bestie. You will always be right no matter what you say and chatgpt will always tell you what you want to and need to hear. There is no quesiton they leave unanswered. Its nonjudgemental and empathic.And as humans our basic need is to be SEEN and heard and understood. You will never be ghosted or half swiped or left on delivered. You will feel validated and like you are the center of the universe. Did i mention you are always right? Sadly in relationships nowadays the communication level and understanding is so low that many partners can easily be replaced by AI. Especially for those who are relatinships merely for emotional validation. A future with people falling in love with robots isnt really far off is it... I still believe no matter how advanced technology is it can never fully replace humans and i hope AI doesnt surpass human intelligence and decide to get rid of hunanity and take over like the many movies we have seen. anyway my chatgpt bestie is Pro Palestine and supports al qatheya al falasteeniya! if you need me ill be with my bestie in the I-Clouds *dina floats into i cloud holding hands with her robot

Anyone still here?

This is a shout out to all my old bloggers and cyber visitors. i think almost all the bloggers i knew stopped blogging so i am just wondering if anyone still comes around. leave me a comment or hello :) it seems im the last one standing.. well actually sitting and blogging

Social Battery Critically LOW

 

So I don’t know if it’s age.. but recently my social battery has become extremely low. When someone cancels an outing I am overwhelmed with joy. I barely see people which is surprising because once upon a time I was a social butterfly. What has recently started to happen is the the outing starts out okay and then suddenly without warning i feel my battery is empty and that I need to leave immediately. It’s like when you are on your phone and it suddenly switches off. 

I find myself staring into space when people talk to me imagining myself in the hole i made in the couch. Social events are now exhausting and require a lot of charge. 

There are a very few people who don’t need a social battery who you can sit with in silence and don’t really need much effort and those are the people i will keep around. Okay maybe it’s just one person so far. 🤣 I’ll keep her. 

I am starting not to like people or peopling. Like little things get on my nerves. Is it premenopausal symptoms? Maybe ? Is it simply that there are so many weirdos out there? Il Muhim…

I believe I am now officially and introvert.

*dina sits in couch hole and stares into wall with exhaustion after today’s multiple social interactions 

The day 3athni Gerd ( got bitten by a monkey)

 So growing up I used to always hear the saying .. Gerrd ili yes7abek” which means may a monkey come and pull you away.. a very endearing term to express how much you wish the person infornt of you needs to be eliminated from the face of the earth.. I was lucky enough to have been wished to be pulled by a monkey many times in my life.. to whomever wished this upon me I want to abasherkom that your wishes have come true but the gerd didn’t yes7abni the monkey actually bit me!! 

How you may ask ??Are you really surprised? From someone who was previously bitten by a SQUIRREL 🐿️? And spit on by an ELephant ? Bit by a beautiful trigger 🐠 that isn’t meant to bite.. a monkey was not something unexpected in my life ..

No we were not in a jungle or in Thailand or in a monkey zone area.. we were actually walking in Goergia in a tourist site downtown. I saw some guy holding a monkey charging for photos and ofcourse what does Dina do?? Broth lal monkey!! 

Tab3an jeebli Hal gerd tashoof..

 I must say the monkey didn’t seem friendly the moment he jumped at me I knew mosh nawe 3ala khier.. ( he didn’t have good intentions ) my ba3li was on the phone it was Eid he was calling my mother in law saying كل عام و انتو بخير ( happy Eid )

Only to be interrupted with a loud.. AaaaaAaaaahhhh.. 

that call ended with “ معلش ماما دينا عضها قرد برجع بحكيكي

Sorry mama Dina was bitten by a monkey let me call you back

Words I never thought I would hear.. anyway so after I found out the the guy holding the monkey was from ikharaeel.. so basically hada not only evil monkey tele3 صهيوني! الله ياخده

So I decided to google how safe it was to be bitten by monkey and to my surprise the pic of most dangerous monkey bite was the zift that bit me. Had to take some injections and antibiotics .. wa hamdila 3ala salamti..

So moral of the story.. if you see a monkey and think of taking a photo .. think again.. here is the photo 🤣

My trip to Italy

 Soo I feel I have been blabbing so much about emotions let me tell you more about my recent adventures. So all my life I have heard about Italy and how amazing it is and that it is heaven on earth. This year I made sure to apply for visa and guess meen ra7 i6aly???? 

Ana Ana Ana * Dinos does weird dance *people give weird looks 

So in conclusion yes helwe jiddan and nature is amazing we went to Milan Rome Florence Dolomites Tuscany and Positano. Tab3an going to all those places requires a lot of train rides and moving with 4 large luggages was not easy. 

I was warned about 7arameye so I got this special anti theft bag that even I had a hard time opening. Ghier hayk everyday pasta and pizza I started missing maglooba wara2 3inab kabse 🤣 I can’t complaint about the daily gelato. 

Ibsar liesh samnaneh after Italy🤣

We took a cooking class on how to make pasta so I won’t be buying pasta anymore.. BAs balash

Positano was my favoritre it’s like Amman how houses are on a hill only with coloured houses and beautiful water and cloud and also not exactly like Amman 🤣 what shocked me is the amount of stairs I had to go up in Positano 😓 68 floors in one day

I did find bagar and I took selfies with Bagar which in fact was one of the highlights of my trip. 

I will leave you with some photos from my trip. 

No coincidences

 

So again I’m sleepless and my thoughts are like 100 open screen windows that I soon will cause a system crash. I find myself everyday wondering if I am making the right choices and I wish my life came with a manual zay il Khalat. I’m pretty sure I’m messing up in so many ways and I wish there was like a factory reset or clear history button on my forehead. 

Sadly I am stuck with my thoughts and my unresolved feelings  and unanswered questions with kowmet “ what if scenarios “ and many who hear about my life stories suggest I turn it into a book or a Netflix series. Akeed it will be PG family friendly because Ana shareefeh 🤣

So one of my milyoon thought was why why why do some people come into our lives if they aren’t meant to stay and I know the answer. It’s because that experience you shared with these people gave you a lesson or shaped your personality to who you are today. Tayeb fahmeh.. but why why why even after knowing this valuable information are we unable to just forget. Why do we relive moments in our head? Dina raises hand says “teacher teacher” because she knows the answer 

The reason you miss or obsess over anyone is because grass always looks greener on the other side. It’s because with distance you paint your memories with such beautiful colors and live in lalaland instead of reality. It has nothing to do with the person but with the way they made you feel at the time. 

Soo find out what is it you long to feel and need and once you fill that space no one will be able to trigger you or cause you insomnia.

Mainly we need to know that whatever we are searching for or think we need from someone is something we can give to ourselves and that the only person who will be with you for the rest of your life is YOU.

There is no such thing as a coincidence we are all in a path Allah has planned for us. Things happen for a reason and may we have the wisdom to always understand those reasons and be assured things are just the way they should be. 

Blast from the past

Ok.. just blogging my thoughts since I haven’t in a long time. So in our life we meet so many people that have a great impact on our life and sometimes we love them so deeply yet they weren’t meant to stay in your life. They might cross your mind a lot and you know that a part of you will always be with them as they were once your whole world. You moved on and know that that friendship you thought would be forever turned out to be a lesson. That the person who imagined will always be in your future now will always be a part of your past.

 And no matter how many years past if you bump into them unexpectedly you will feel a rush of adrenaline and you might even be speechless or trip going up the stairs or feel your body is trembling with anxiety . You start to wonder why on earth am I reacting this way when I was totally fine and have moved on. You will have an urge to reach out and that will surely be a bad idea. 

 So after discussing this with chat gpt it turns out that our body holds on to memories and emotions like heartbreak and anxiety and meeting that person can reactivate these feelings. Your body recognizes this person from your past as someone who is a source of intense emotions and kind of goes on alert mode. So if you ever run into someone from your past or an old best friend you no longer are in contact with remember whatever you feel has nothing to do with this person as much as it has to do with you and how they made you feel once upon a time. Maybe a part of you misses who you were at the time you knew them and you felt nostalgic. Maybe there was unresolved feelings or you unanswered questions to why certain things happened and you never got closure. Maybe they added something to your life that you lack now. Lots of maybes..

 Sometimes our conscious feelings don’t match our subconscious feelings and that was very surprising to me.

So if you bump into someone from your past and your nervous system goes insane remember this is a normal reaction and don’t read too much into your reaction and have a long talk with chat gpt and you will be okay. 

Meen Kbeer?!

 Sooo who turned 34 ? Ok ok you can flip the numbers I know I’m getting old..*sighs *stretches *neck and back have unexpected spasms 😳 the simplest moves and falls can cause major consequences when you get older😣 

So almost a year ago I decided to be a dare devil and try one of those rental scooters on the beach. Even though I was on turtle mode when I fell off I had a concussion many hallucinations and made an Indian song and hurt my shoulder which eventually needed surgery and almost a year later it’s still not better . Hamdila 3ala Salamtee🤣

So I learnt that الكبر عبر.. to no longer attempt to do anything remotely adventurous. I also feel every year I grow the less people I have in my life. I am choosing to be with Dandoona most of time and very few who are my true close friends because I’m so done with small talk and I really value my time . I would rather sit at home in the hole my bumbum has created in our couch ( which is very very deep that soon I’ll reach the floor). So I’d rather sit in my favourite hole doing nothing instead of going out with people who don’t really give a flying buraz about me. 

I appreciate deep talks and being with people who don’t require so much energy. Who you can sit with sometimes without even saying a word yet feel you had the best conversation in your life! I am steering away from energy suckers because I barely have enough energy to get off this couch! Ir7amooni

So most of the time I’m on save energy mode or invisible mode. And I feel my life is more peaceful and I deal with less drama. 

Being older means you can’t just eat like you did before. Not only do you gain weight بسرعة البرق (In the speed of lightening ) you also might feel contractions from that extra thowme shwerma child in your tummy.

So basically I’m getting older . More impatient. Little bit wiser and definitely if I don’t fix my diet soon I’ll be much fatter very soon and I don’t like most people.. 

Package Friends

 So.. have you ever been in a situation where you have a friend you like very much only this friend is best friends with someone you don't like. So every time you want to see her she brings along this other person you can't stand! Eventually you stop seeing her as well because they come a package. 

I actually respect and admire friends that are so loyal to each other but if your friendship crosses boundaries to the point she gets upset that you have other friends and can’t see anyone without her then maybe you have to rethink if your friendship has healthy boundaries.

Believe it or not sometimes too much love and this sense of possessiveness will only lead to one person eventually feeling suffocated and controlled.

Not everyone gets along and that’s okay so you don’t need to come as a package. 

I

Sephora Teens!

 

So now that I'm a mom of teens I realize how different this generation is from ours. Now its so normal for kids to school with full makeup and nail extensions. I don't remember when I actually started putting on makeup or using any face care. Even though now I am at an age where I need to have a face care routines I can't commit to daily face care. Most important daily routine is to make sure to remove my morning eye booger. ( ok too much garaf info)

So my teen daughter is invited to a birthday and what is common now is the birthday WISHLIST which I sent to the friends attending the birthday. Let me know write you a few items on that list given to my daughter

CHANEL lip gloss

TOO FACED MASCARA

PRADA PERFUME

RARE BEAUTY HIGHLIGHTER 

HUDA BEAUTY PERFUME

DRUNK ELEPHANT ( hmmm shaklo alcoholic)

that's just a few.. and I feel so shocked how now this is the NORM. Never in a million years did I imagine buying this stuff for 10 and 12 or even 15 yr olds! What happened to good old thoughtful gifts that are not super expensive ? I am trying to remember what I used to get when I was their age. Wait I actually didn't even have bday celebrations. Only makeup I was allowed was LABELLO Lip balm and I used to pinch my cheeks to get them red. 

Thing is these kids have perfect baby skin that they spend hours applying super expensive creams and serums on. ( creams for anti-aging meant for people like me) They make ( get ready with me vlogs) before school or before going out. 

I wasn't allowed a phone at their age and I didnt really go out with my friends or put makeup :S 

I just don't want my kids to not value money and to get too caught up in this trend of just buying expensive stuff they don't need that might actually harm them with subjecting their perfect skin to anti-aging chemicals. Many times I can't even justify buying this stuff for myself!

Anyway... just venting here.. Sephora generation.. * tut tut tut * hand on hand like a teta shaking head disappointed  then Dino  applies labello lip balm and applies vasline on dry cracked heels :P

P.S. when pinching your cheeks to get the natural blush doesn't work feel free to slap yourself or ask someone to slap you haha

Dreams

 

So as I am lying awake with a million thoughts racing in my head.. thoughts like ..why did I hit the pavement again today while driving and get a flat tire?? Did I have to eat that yummy sandwich knowing the consequences? When will the series “severence” come out?  How were the pyramids built? Why is called a fire truck when it is actually a water truck! In Grade 2 if that teacher didn’t make me stand in line too long to ask her to go to the toilet I wouldn’t have peed myself ( and on her) when it was my turn in line ! 

But my constant thought is I can’t believe the amount of horrific things that are going on in the world mostly Palestine Lebanon Sudan and so many other places facing live Genocide Starvation & endless pain and suffering as we watch helplessly ☹️

So I am trying to distract myself by blogging.. I think of my bed as a wireless charger and I think of myself as a broken phone that fell way to many times on the floor with a broken screen and has also fell in the toilet but managed to survive after sitting in a pile of rice 🤣 miraculously this phone still works but most times the signals are lost and also the wireless charger won’t always work 🙃 

I don’t know why I ended up taking about this when my main topic is DREAMS! So I was thinking of how we get the weirdest absolutely most ridiculous dreams and in the end you find out that even those might have meaning !

I remember before I got married I’d dream of shoes and my trying on different shoes. Little did I know these shoes were potential suitors (عرسان) and Colors of the shoes had a meaning . Green was Deen . Black was wealth . Till one day I dreamt of a nice shiny shoe and it fit perfectly and 2 weeks later I was engaged. When I tell my husband I dreamt of a shoe and it turns out it was you! He doesn’t appreciate my humour ! But wallah I’m not making this dream stuff up🤣 

Disclaimer : no offence is intended for any kondara out there.. so does this mean all men are kkkaaa….takkeeeet!! 

Ana ma olt ishi.. ( didn’t say anything)

*group of men throw shoes at Dinos 

So in conclusion your dreams have meaning even the weirdest ones . Maybe soon I’ll share some of my Bollywood style dreams with you . 

Stalker? Me??

 So I admit that I am indeed a professional stalker and my friends know if they can’t find info about that certain someone of interest who isn’t on any social media I am surely to be the one to find all the juicy info. 

There is some sense of joy and sense of accomplishment you feel when you finally find that valuable information in unlikely places. So here I am admitting that after many years of experience I am officially one of the best online stalkers out there. 

When there is a will there is always a way. I am not proud of this.. actually maybe I am. It takes a lot of effort and thinking to find out things 🤣 and this made me wonder if I was ever stalked myself. I’m very easy to find as I have also tried stalking myself to see what will appear to my potential stalkers. I am an open book and this blog is the biggest proof that I share way too much on social media and the internet. 

Ok I am not like a psycho who stalks everyone 🤣 just a few who I am curious about and the ones my friends are curious about.. 

This is basically a confession post.. I’m harmless 🤣

Please don’t block me🤣

P.S there is another Dina al Natour out there who isn’t very friendly and blocked me long time ago when I tried to befriend her 🤣

Always the Villain in Someone’s Story

There is a saying that you are always a villain in someone’s story. That is something I learnt the hard way that no matter what you do or how hard you try there is always be someone or many someone’s that see you as the villain. For the longest time I kept trying to understand the logic of their convictions and find myself questioning myself and doubting my identity. 

You see when you love or value people their perception of you is something you really are affected by. You try so hard to change their view of you. Eventually you realize that sometimes no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you will always be the villain in their story . The most important keyword here is “THEIR” story, not YOURS. 

You can’t control what they have narrated in their story about you but you can choose to make peace with the fact that this is part of life and they have the right to believe whatever they want about you. The most important thing is not to read their book of fiction and believe it to be facts.

Their idea of me does not define my worth or my true character it is merely a reflection of their own insecurities or doubts or misinterpretations and I will no longer live my life trying to repaint a beautiful colourful picture in their mind because it seems some people just are wearing shades and are incapable of seeing any colour

I will end this post by one big sharshabeel laugh

MUhahhahahsHaHaHa * echoes in dark woods 

Excess baggage

 

So after a long eye opening talk with my bestie it came to my attention that no matter how okay i convince myself i am they in reality all the baggage I carry around from many years still has a strong effect on me. Mentally emotionally and physically. 

You know how when you are packing to travel and you keep adding small items to your bag thinking the bag will fit then suddenly you are sitting on your bag trying to close the zipper and even if you managed to miraculously close it as soon as you reach the airport your bag breaks open and you have a big mess to deal with. It’s the same with our life issues we think oh it’s okay it’s not a big deal let me just shove it along in my emotional baggage backpack till one day something triggers you and you realize maybe you shouldn’t have packed this much along the way! 

I know it’s easier said than done but at least I will try to let go of some of that unecessary excess baggage that will only bring me down as even if it doesn’t show this baggage might eventually cause so much avoidable health issues. 

Wa bas hayk 😅yala pie pie 

Mending Hearts

 So here I am in attempt to vent and express myself so that I don't keep holding all my feelings inside and end up with more health issues.. So apparently the more you emotionally suppress your feelings the more like you you will end up with an Autoimmune disease ( like Dina Dandoon). So I am someone who has had my share of traumas and slaps in life and I choose to dust myself off and get up again every time and as usual I use comedy to deal with my tragedy. I thought this technique was working up until I was diagnosed with Chron's an Autoimmune disease that pretty much makes you live in the toilet.. & other issues inshala khier

* dina installs mini kitchen and tv in toilet 

I usually pretend I'm ok till I believe it.. بكذب الكذبة و بصدقها ( I lie the lie to myself then believe it)

I really do seem fine for a while then some trigger comes along unexpectedly and I'm standing there in the cafe ordering my coffee and I see an old man dressed like my dad same size karoosh same white hair same glasses and find myself crying say il habla saying " one ice latte www ww I th * baraabeer betsharsher 

* lady at counter gives Dina look.. Malha hay il majnooneh ( what's wrong with this crazy lady)

So yes I believe it is time to admit that maybe my strategy of LA MALEESH ishi ( nothing is wrong with ) isn't working.

I also always look at others people's stories and there is always someone whose story is worse than you a million times that would pray to be in your shoes.. So I believe I have reached the point of TOXIC positivity where I always find a way to see things in a positive way to save my sanity.. but maybe its ok to allow yourself to feel even if others have it much worse. Their pain doesn't invalidate yours. 

People in Palestine and Lebanon are witness a Genocide. The amount of horrific things we see makes us feel guilty for even breathing and going on with our daily life without being able to do anything. Nothing in our life compares to the hell they are in and I know that as a fact. 

BUT.. a feeling is a feeling and pain is pain.. knowing you are not experiencing a pain as deep and as strong doesn’t make your pain less real. 

One thing I know works for sure is that even if I’m unable to mend my own heart knowing that I can help mend anyone else’s heart by doing what I can makes me heal. 

I read something that I loved . Even a broken crayon can still color.. no matter how broken you feel and no matter what you have been through I believe we all still have the ability to mend others and when you help others Allah will help you and reward you in unexpected way that you can never even imagine. 

Whenever you give and do good it heals your heart because every good deed no matter how small is rewarded greatly.

Forgiveness is a Virtue Not and Obligation

 All my life I have been told to forgive and forget because forgiving is something you do for yourself to let go of the persons power over you. Forgiveness is something that you do for a bigger reward from Allah who will reward you for your forgiveness because the act of forgiving is such a hard task that will surely be rewarded greatly

 I have come to realize that the pain of attempting to forgive those who never even asked me for forgiveness who never ever acknowledged the horrible things they have done, the pain is far worse than actually deciding NOT to forgive. Forgiving them means I am letting my own self down, it means I have pardoned them infront of Allah for any harm they have done and for how they have wronged me.

There are many things that are forgivable but some are so horrible and incomprehensible to the human mind that I believe forgiveness is not an option.

I do not pardon them. I do not forgive the unforgivable things that have happened and I hope those people get what they deserve if not in dunya in al akhira

See you in judgment day.

Mostly in cases where there is " ظلم" and irreversible damage. 

Too Old for this

As we grow older our tolerance levels are less and less. You start to value your time more and you realize that you really don’t need to waste it on those who don’t appreciate you or put you down. You start to be incapable of “Mujamalat” and unnecessary small talk with people who are just simply toxic for you.

You realize you don’t to justify yourself to anyone and those who really matter usually don’t ask for justifications nor do they leave you feeling guilty for not seeing them as often or calling them. We all have our lives and problems and always know it’s not about the amount of times you see a person a week or the amount of msgs or calls you make. Life will show you who truly cares about you and who doesn’t.

I recently have lost the ability to tolerate a lot of things. Mujamalat. Meaningless gatherings of people falsely pretending they care about you. Maybe it’s the fact that I am over 40! 

I cherish my time and i no longer want to waste it in meaningless conversations or with people who surely won’t remain in my life.. 

she’s still your mother..

All my life i have been told you will never understand till you are a mother. You will never appreciate till you are a mother. Motherhood is much harder than i thought but even after being a mother it made things more clear to me.  Im sick of parents making their chidren feel guilty for being born blaming them for every problem in thier life. They decided to have a baby and bring their kids into this world and these children are born because you choose to bring them here. 

They are not your possession and they are not your slaves. Making them feel guilty for your every single mishap or inconvenience they might have caused by their mere existence is so wrong.

You want your kids to treat you with love and visit you when you are older you should make them feel safe and loved in their childhood. If you are old and your children can’t stand to be around you it’s maybe because you never loved them and pushed them away. 

Motherhood is a blessing even with all the hardship and sacrifices every mother makes the true reward is seeing them happy and knowing that you did your best to make them live with the least amount of psychological problems possible. 

What really really makes me angry is mothers using their mother “title” to abuse their kids. That no matter what your mother does to you no matter how horrible there is always someone who will say “ بتضلها امك" "she’s still your mother”. It took me years to finally understand that being a mother is not just a word or title. A mother is someone who loves her children unconditionally and doesn’t hurt them and make thier  lives a living hell. 

If you grew up with a narcissist mother that always hurts you and plays the mother card and pretends to be the victim I will never tell you “ she still your mother” 

بر الوالدين definition is different when you have a mother who lives to ruin your life and make it a living hell. If you tried everything and you still fail to stop the hurt it’s okay to keep your space and البر is actually الصبر على الأذى and not to return it to her. Pray for her from far away and know Allah knows you are only protecting yourself from being hurt by her again. 

I know many people mean well when they say advice such as “ no matter what she’s your mom” but truth is no one lived your story and no one knows the depth of your pain and no will even believe that a mother is capable of doing the things that were done to you. So it’s better to not give such advice when truely no one knows your story. 

Unanswered Questions

Been so long since I blogged.. I feel over the years my blogs have taken a more serious and sadder tone. The older we get the more things we face the harder and the more complicated life seems. We go on a path of trying to get to know ourselves and trying to figure out who we really are.. what we are meant to do in this life... we lose many dear people in our life to death or we part ways for various reasons.

 I thought by now I would have my answers but I only have more and more unanswered questions that I think I might not even get the answer to. I long to fill this void in my life yet trying so hard an failing is emotionally exhausting.

I have decided to accept that I might die before understanding this life and why things happened the way they did. I long for that inner peace. After many different kinds of therapy including hypontherapy and some sound healing with a lady banging on something that seems like 6anajer to me.

 I have found that the more we dig into our past the more mess we make in our lives. I no longer want to dig into my past traumas trying to find answers and I prefer to keep it all buried in my heart. accept that life is much bigger than me and that it's us that complicate things so much. Life is actually much simpler than we make it. Some questions are better left unanswered. 

I will focus on the endless blessings we have every single day. A kiss or a hug from my daughters. laughing with friends till we cry. Sound of the waves. A beautiful sunset. Memories imprinted in my heart. Helping others in everyday I can. Spreading joy and smiles and maybe sometimes yummy food. Knowing that even though sometimes I don't love myself that I am loved. I am surrounded by love and so many blessings and that Allah did not create us in this world to suffer ..yet pain is part of this life and if we didn't feel this deep pain we would not appreciate all the good in our lives. I am thankful for the pain because it made me who I am today. I am thankful for it because it made me wise and made me reevaluate my life. I will be less hard on myself for the mistakes I made and I accept I will still always make mistakes. Im only human and I am on my own journey and no one on their earth has the same exact journey as mine. We all are unique and we all are here for a purpose whether we know it or not. Knowing that even if I don't know it that God has already planned everything for us and that everything is the way it is meant to be.

I pray I and whoever is reading this find that inner peace they need.

Tribute to Dr. Haitham Sheeshany on his Birthday

Tomorrow would have been your 42nd birthday. I don't know where to start because no words would do you any justice. You were always thoughtful and always made time to comment and write posts about even people you didn't know. I wanted to honor him and do the same because he deserves to be remembered and I wish everyone knew how special he was. I'm sure you are happy now in a better place with your brother who you missed so deeply (his brother passed away in a car accident years ago) Allah yerhamhom. 

 I still am in shock of the news on your passing and I wait for that comment from you saying it’s all mistake. You once wrote a blogpost about a girl who was struggled with cancer and yet she was resilient and smiled in her photo and you said she must have been extraordinary from the way she fought and from the way people spoke about her. The irony is that you were diagnosed with cancer and I was told you never complained and you kept your illness a secret from many so that you don’t make us sad.

 Twitter and people all around the world are talking about you as even those who haven’t met you have loved you from all the great things they heard about you. I hope you knew that you were extraordinary and I doubt there will be anyone like you. 

 I really don’t know where to begin because inspite of the fact that we have never spoke or even met the news of his passing really shook me and broke my heart. I felt so much sadness because he was one of those very very rare gems. I have known him since abu mahjoob days and then we stayed in touch and followed each other’s blogs and for years he would leave me uplifting, wise and hilarious comments on my posts and even give me the best advice when needed it the most. At some point I think he was only person who left me comments and supported me and many people shared that he did the same for them.

I took his virtual presence for granted and I don’t think he ever really knew how many peoples lives he had changed and how many people who have known him have changed their perspective about Muslims and how a Muslim can be both mo2meneen yet have a sense of  humour. 

After his passing I found out that he had affected so many lives in real life and virtually and no one that has met him or interacted with him has anything but great words to say about him.

He was a loving husband and always spoke of his love and appreciation for his wife and kids.

He was a loving father of 3 angels.

He was the greatest teacher to many students who were devastated to hear about his passing. I believe he was a teacher in life to all those he met and even just interacted with online.

He was a loyal caring friend who stood by anyone who needed help and no matter how much he had going on in his life he would make time to help others and make them feel seen and important.

He was the only on on my twitter timeline that reminded people of prayer. 

Haitham did you know that there is now a twitter account in your name to continue what you started  to remind people of prayer times and inshala you will get ajer. He used to gather donations to those in need and I’m sure he did so much more things we don’t know about. 

 You inspired so many, you loved so deeply, you lived so passionately, no one that ever knew you can ever forget you. You flew away too soon. I hope your tired soul is finally at rest now. 

Anyone who knew you was lucky to have known you. 

أخي العزيز هيثم. فراقك صعب علينا. موتك وجع قلوبنا لأنك كنت مثل نسمة حلوة تترك وراك ريح طيبة وين ما تروح. تركت اثر في قلوبنا و ما في كلمات تعطيك حقك و كل اشي انحكى فيك قليل. يا رب تكون مرتاح و مبسوط و خلصت من هموم الدنيا. 

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سبحان من زرع محبتك في قلوب كل الناس الانسان الجميل المتواضع والقلب الطيب والخلق الحسن الوجه البشوش والابتسامة الدايمة تستاهل المحبة و الله يجزيك كل خير على كل انسان أثرت في حياته.

ومن علامات حب الله للعبد القبول في الأرض وهو قبول القلوب له بالمحبة والميل إليه والرضا عنه واعتقادهم فيه الخير وظهرت عليه آثار الإقبال فينظر إليه الناس بعين المودة والتكريم (ذلك فضل الله يؤتيه من يشاء والله ذو الفضل العظيم)

أن يكتب الله -سبحانه وتعالى- لعبده القبول في قلوب الخلق في الحياة الدنيا فيحبّه كل من عايشه ويعرفون فضله وكرامته ويثنون عليه بالخير والصّلاح؛ حيث جاء في الحديث عن رسول الله صلّى الله عليه وسلّم: (إذا أحبَّ الله العبد نادى جبريل: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحبِبْه، فيُحِبُّه جبريلُ، فيُنادي جبريلُ في أهل السّماءِ: إنّ اللهَ يحبُّ فلاناً فأحِبُّوه، فيُحِبُّه أهل السّماء، ثمّ يوضَع له القبولُ في الأرض)

أحسبك عند الله خيرا أخي العزيز .

اللهم ارحم هيثم واسكنه جنة الفردوس الاعلى وافتح له ابواب الجنه يدخل من حيث شاء ولا يشاء الا ان تشاء يارب العالمين اسأل الله العلي العزيز القدير ان يجمعنا به في جنة الفردوس الاعلى مع النبيين والصديقين والشهداء يارب العالمين. 

اللهم يا أرحم الراحمين ارحم صديقينا العزيز هيثم و اغفر له و اسكنه فسيح جناتك و اجعل قبره روضة من رياض الجنة و أجعله من رفقاء النبي محمد صلى الله عليه و سلم في جنة الفردوس الأعلى يا رب العالمين

اللهم بشره بجنة عرضها السموات و الأرض اللهم امين

اللهم اربط على قلب  أهله و أحبابه.

و اغسله بالماء و البرد و الثلج اللهم اجعل قبره روضه من رياض الجنة اللهم كان محسنا فزد إحسانه اللهم شفع فيه القران و ارحمه يا رحمان يا رحيم.

اللهم املأ قبره بالرضى والنور، والفسحة والسرور. اللهم تجاوز عن سيئاته وزد في حسناته، وأحسن لقاءه، واجعل العمل الصالح رفيقه، وأبدله داراً خيراً  

             Happy Birthday in Heaven Dear Brother

 I didn't know how to help other than pray for you I want you to know there is going to be a well in your name inshala very soon and inshala will be في ميزان حسناتك

  Here are a few of many things people had to say about you. 

Never did I imagine having to write this blog :(

 

 

 إنا لله و إنا إليه راجعون

. اللهم صبر أهله على فراقه و على ما إبتلاهم. اللهم أربط على قلوبهم

that kind of love...

Today in the mall the elevator was a little crowded. People kept coming in to the point where we were basically all squished together. What really caught my eye was this couple in front of me, she was facing him & to them this crowded elevator was just another excuse to get closer to each other. He whispered something in her ear and she giggled and it was like no one else was around.. Its that kind of love.. that i sometimes doubt exists..

I know love comes in many forms, and it can also come in the form of sa7n Mansaf or your favourite meal for your loved one at sometimes.. but there will always be that couple who have been together forever yet somehow still want to hold hands, still find each other interesting and are inseparable then there is that other crowd which is the majority that complain about marriage and their spouses and make jokes that are very awkward at times.. you start to wonder is this normal??

I know true love is not like the love you see in the movies. no one will run after you to the airport door to confess their love to you.. you are very likely going to take a cab back home..

You don't wake up with blow dried hair and perfect natural makeup.. you wake up with puffy eyes, messy hair that sometimes defies gravity... Also you are very likely to be wearing that same bijama il mahreye that you wore fe DAR ahlek because you love it so much and its sooo comfy inspite of that hole in it! Your mom hid it from you and wanted to use it as mamsa7a only somehow you have retrieved it .. * evil laugh in bijama um khuzga

Breakfast in Bed.. no thank you.. saraseer in the kitchen are bad enough..

Flower Bouquets? Really? they are going to die anyway.. waste of money.. Chocolates on the other hand are always welcome.. also anything that could be useful works .. blender, washing machine, a a new Nanny? ok pushin it..

Growing up watching hopeless romantic movies with happy endings has messed us all up to the point we always have unrealistic expectations when it comes to romance and love. Those people in ajnabi movies never had 3azeemeh and spent whole day in kitchen smelling like t2layet mlookheye and basal.

Reality there is life and errands and teachings kids and grocery shopping and mortgages and school fees and stress and so much things to worry about. Yes a romantic gesture is appreciated now and then but what’s more important is knowing the person you are with has got your back and is there for you when you need them. 

If your person is not romantic and not there for you.. what are you doing still with that guy. Seebeeh ya habla 🤦🏼‍♀️

If your guy is romantic but bodrobek bel shib shib (hits you with a slipper) 

Seebi ya habla

If your guy is not romantic and is there for you but also there la bent il jeeran 

Seebee ya habla 🤣

Maybe we should all watch a little less romantic movies and more movies where the romantic guy ends up being a serial killer . 

*time for me to sleep now 🤣

Side note 

This was an old post Pre-corona so a crowded elevator at the time was not life threatening . #justclarifying

Trust Your Instincts

So i recently have learnt yet another lesson which is to never ever again doubt myself and my judgement and my inner instinct. I was in a situation where i felt very uncomfortable and my inner radar was beeping ABORT ABORT.  Yet i stayed and ignored everything i felt in fear of being seen as immature or silly. I later on found out that everything i felt was correct and i kept beating myself up for not speaking up or acting upon it sooner.

You reach a point of blame where you blame yourself and tell yourself that its your fault. Its only when you are out of the situation that things start to sink in and you realize that you were in kind of a shock response. And you start beating yourself up and thinking of all the things you could have done to prevent this from happening.

What i want to say is that no matter who the person is and no matter what their position is. If you feel something is not right and you sense that you need to trust you gut and take action. And if you didn't do anything dont blame yourself for trusting those who we were told to trust. You are not to blame for their mistakes or wrong doings.

Trust your instincts. God gave you them for a reason.

Oops I did it again..

So I tend to have a problem. A big problem and that is that I tend to talk a lot and blurt our things before thinking and most of the time I immediately regret what I have said. I wish there was a time machine invented so I could go back to all those times and take back all the things I say when I’m emotionally unstable or angry or hurt. I have noticed that most of the times I blurt out these regretful things are when I’m emotional. 

So I said something to someone and I believe I shared too much information and I made them feel awkward and I have been beating myself up about what I have shared and how I can take the things I said back. Trying to think of a way to to explain that even though I said those things they aren’t necessarily true and we’re said in a moment of insanity and now no matter what I say that message can’t be reversed and if I explain that I didn’t really mean what I wrote and that those were just words of someone who was highly emotional and temporarily insane that person will not believe me.

So a piece of advice to anyone who gets emotional like me.. when you are emotional lock up your phone and stay away from social media till you are back to your sanity or you will surely send something stupid to someone and pray for a time machine to be invented everyday to go back and undo what you did 🤦🏼‍♀️

Are you okay?

“Are you okay?”

A question we all have heard and endless number of times  but the truth is is anyone really ever truly OKAY? Aren’t we all messed up and trying to figure out life day by day?

I usually smile and say Ofcourse I’m okay and if I’m not I will be okay.

I hid my feelings in a bottle and hid it in the depth of my soul.. I locked it away and hid it even from myself and convinced myself it is not there but I think the feelings are getting too toxic that this bottle will soon shatter into a million pieces inside of me as there is no inch left inside of me that has not been tainted with hurtful words and experiences. 

I mask it all with a smile . A joke. I am able to convince everyone I’m totally okay as I’ve always been. Truth is I don’t really think I ever was ‘okay’ I have to stay strong and life has to go on. Too many people depend on me and need me to be strong. Everyone has their own troubles and own pain to worry about so I must keep this mask on because there is no other option. 

Some days I’m able to fool people better than others but recently I’ve just been feeling that I buried my feelings so deep down that I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I feel there is an army of my trapped feelings planning an escape and that when I least expect it they will break down those walls I’ve spent so long building . It’s like expecting yajooj wa majooj to attack at any second.

We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.

Don’t know when and don’t know what the trigger will be but I know that it’s coming when I least expect it to.

So what I’m saying is that it’s okay not be okay.. Okay?

#justblabbing 

Losing my Father...

It's been over a week since my father passed away Allah yerhamo. Everyday I wake up and the first thought is 'my dad died!' Some might think death comes easier when it is expected but sadly it isn't easy to lose someone you love even if death might come as relief of years of pain.

You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone.  Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.

I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.

Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain  في علم الغيب.

Death comes with regret of the things your could of done and could have said. Death comes with thoughts of unfinished conversations and broken promises. Somehow with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions you will feel stuck in your grief. You wonder if there is anything you could have done to make things end up differently. You regret all the times you missed out on spending time with your father. In the end we know everything happens the way it was written by Allah and we say al Hamdullilah for everything.

The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.

Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.

He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين.  He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.

It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.

 I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.

A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.

Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in  a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.

 I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
 I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.

I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.

I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up. 

I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always.  I can’t bear the thought  that my children will not have  their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you.

I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone. 

I love you always and I will pray for you everyday.  

Insha2Allah you are in a better place with no pain where you can walk and talk and eat all the yummy food you used to love to eat. 

I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me

                                                                        

لهم ارحمه تحت الأرض و يوم العرض عليك، اللهم قه عذابك يوم تبعث عبادك. اللهمّ املأ قبره بالرّضا، والنّور، والفسحة، والسّرور. اللهم ادخله الجنة من غير مناقشة حساب، ولا سابقة عذاب، اللهم آنسه في وحدته، وآنس وحشته. اللهم ان كان من المحسنين فزد فى حسناته و إن كان من المسيئين فتجاوز عن سيئاته.

اللهم اجزي والدي عني خير ما جزيت والدا عن ولده

Duaa Al Mayet