Saturday, December 15, 2012

How Did i Get HerE?

How did i get here? i dont mean the literal  "HOW" that you learn in biology class or  what one of your friends in grade 4 told you then you stopped talking to her for weeks. haha

 i mean when did i finish college! when did i turn 30 (almost 31 kaman) *GASP?

when did i become a mother?
oh..when did i become a mother of 2!!
oh wow my lulu is starting to walk, and talk oh wow she is in school already!
my other baby is about to start to walk?! when did this all happen???
did i really like wael kfoury at one point in my life?
did i really listen to boyzone and sign thier songs with tears in my eyes?
I used to not wear hijab? i totally forgot how that feels like ( al hamdulilah)

i look back and i hardly recognize myself. i have changed so much. in so many ways.
i ask myself many questions along the way.. like..

why was i never prepared for any of this? i feel time is running so fast and ill i do is find myself looking back at memories and thinking, how did all that happen.. it all feels like yesterday!

I still have vivid memories of school days and how we used to love the lunch break, how i used to like to hang out with my best friends talking about the stupidiest topics like they were world changing matters.

I still remember how it felt when my mom and dad gave me the " ra7 adba7ek look" after i did something wrong.

or when your parents tell you to go to bed and you stay up all night chatting with your sister and laughing till your abs feel like you had a workout. then you hear " YALA NAMOO"

Suddenly im the PARENT, that tells my daughter to go to bed. and i pass by her room and i hear her giggling and playing and i say in a serious voice " YALA NAAMI"

its like a vicous cycle.. and there was a point in my life i never imagined myself as a grown up. I never thought i could be a mother. I still feel being a mother is a daily challenge i go through everyday.

You get married have kids. (hopefully in that order)... then you raise them the best way you know how... and you will make many mistakes along the way... so at first you are shocked at what motherhood really is.. sleepless nights..and many other surprises..a 24 hour job... and even when you get help and decide to take a break from the kids.. there is the mental GUILT of leaving them.. or the CONSTANT WORRY..
you get thoughts like
"What if she woke up and didnt find me?"
"What if her temp got up in the night?" All sorts of thoughts go through your head that you realize you are not really taking a break or enjoying anything else because your mind is with your kids 24/7 and it will be with your kids till the day you die. Your kids are a piece of you.. a piece of you that is more valuable to you than yourself.

At First you worry about SID( Sudden Infant Death) at night and if they throw the covers on thier face and stop breathing so you wake up like a psycho every 5 mins to check if your baby is ok.. most babies suffer from colic for the first 3 months. and that is something i didnt know about..

Then they are a little older and you start solid food you worry about them choking on things
then they walk and you worry about them falling and THEY WILL FALL! :( bump thier heads and eat all sorts of crap they find on the ground

Then there is the potty training and you will love that..literally SHITTY phase of your life.

Then they go to school and you have to deal with all sorts of naughtiness. Mostly kids giving each other lovely virus gifts. So your kid will be sick all the time.. and if you have more than one baby all your kids will get sick.

After they finish KG they start getting homework and they start requiring more attention and might even talk back or throw worse tantrums. The tantrums get bigger with your kids is something i have learnt.

Then they are teenagers and want thier privacy and dont want to talk to you cause  " YOUR GENERATION" will not understand thiers. and they ignore your for thier friends.

Then they are older and you have to deal with boy/girl issues and worry about what sort of ppl your kids are hanging out with.. you want to guide them and be thier friend but always come off as the authority figure and cant find a way to let them open up to you as a friend without reacting like thier MOTHER.

Then you are now hardly seeing your children cause they are too caught up in thier social life and when they talk to you its either for money or something they need. They say hurtful things. and you might say things " ye2ta3 il yom il khalftkom feeh" haha sooooo thennnnnnn.....

They grow up and get married and you are left ALone with your spouse and you will think to yourself again ..