Chocoholic MADNESS: December 2013

I don't know if its just me.. but recently i have been been feeling so many mixed feelings that im starting to think that i am schizophrenic. I can't say i'm fully to blame for this situation. We live in a world where people tend to tell you how you are "supposed to feel" by giving you comments or "talteesh 7aki" whenever you express any sort of emotion.

i'm the type of person who says whats on her mind.. i have a habit of sharing too much sometimes.. but i express how i feel whether its happy or sad. I say whats on my mind and this post is just me speaking out my mind..

I still remember before my wedding day.. how one of my Aunts came to me and said

" How could you even think of wearing a white dress when your dad is sick?"

For those who don't know. about 6 years ago right after my engagement my dad had a stroke and had severe brain damage that left him fully paralyzed and incapable of speaking or moving. It was the hardest and saddest moment of my life. Allah yishfee

The pain i felt and still feel is something even words cant express. 6 months after his stroke drs sent him back home with nurses as his condition was stable.. and after i asked the Drs. they said this is pretty much as good as it gets with this much brain damage.

After i heard what the Dr said we felt delaying the wedding waiting for a miracle recovery that may likely never come was not reasonable, especially that we were already legally married. We had a small wedding. no music. just zaffe and dinner.

And i'm pretty sure if he could speak he would have been the first to tell me to go on with the wedding.

Many of my family and friends who i knew could have been there for me in such a heartbreaking time never showed up because they could not bare to watch me get married without my father being there.. as if their sadness was deeper or more sincere than mine...

My dads condition is the same as it was 6 years ago now. Allah yeshfee.

Getting married is every girls dream, you wait all your life to wear a white dress, to marry the person you love. If you want to judge me for wanting to have a wedding and wear a white dress, then be it.

People need to know that in the world there is happiness and sadness, & they don't cross out each other. You can be happy about something and sad about something else simultaneously & no one has the right to judge you about what you feel or when you feel it.

I love to laugh and make jokes even when im depressed. Its my distraction. I love to make people laugh especially those who i know have gone through something very heartbreaking, like losing someone close to them. Because laughter is good for you. You can check this link and im sure many others that tell you the benefits of laughter. Im not saying laugh all day but its okay to smile and laugh even if there is a heavy sadness weighing down your heart.

So yesterday i posted a status about loving the snow and being happy about it snowing in Amman. I mentioned how i can't wait to make a snowman. This is a natural feeling for someone who never gets to see snow who lives in an OVEN in Dubai. Many made me feel so guilty for expressing that happiness because there are many less fortunate people in the world who dont have the luxury of heaters or homes. I felt ashamed for even expressing such happiness. HOW dare i want it to keep snowing when there are people freezing.

But now im going to say it and im not ashamed for loving it. I LOVE SNOW. i love making a snow man. I wish i can slide down a snow hill with on a flat tire! i wish it snowed more often in Dubai! That doesnt mean my heart doesnt break for those who are suffering because of the cold weather. Rain and Snow are an Act of GOD. Allah Subahanoh and i pray for those who are less fortunate and will help if i could but my sadness for them doesn't cross out my happiness or excitement to see snow.