Losing my Father...

It's been over a week since my father passed away Allah yerhamo. Everyday I wake up and the first thought is 'my dad died!' Some might think death comes easier when it is expected but sadly it isn't easy to lose someone you love even if death might come as relief of years of pain.

You are gone.. every time I say this out loud its like I am finding out for the first time. I still can't process the idea that my dad is gone.  Sadly I missed him even when he was alive as for years he was was not the same as he used to be.

I feel that I lost him twice. I lost him 13 years ago when he first got the brain stroke and was fully paralyzed and unable to speak or write. Trapped in his body and bedridden for 13 years.

Its hard to comprehend the permanence of death and how it is irreversible. Death is too final and ambiguity of it all is frightening. No one came back from the dead to tell us what really happens to us after death and it always remain  في علم الغيب.

Death comes with regret of the things your could of done and could have said. Death comes with thoughts of unfinished conversations and broken promises. Somehow with unresolved feelings and unanswered questions you will feel stuck in your grief. You wonder if there is anything you could have done to make things end up differently. You regret all the times you missed out on spending time with your father. In the end we know everything happens the way it was written by Allah and we say al Hamdullilah for everything.

The fact that you will never be able to see them again or touch them or smell them again is so hard to wrap your mind around it. I miss your cheeks and your face. I miss the look in your eyes and your smile when you hear something that you find surprisingly funny. I will never forget how you held my hand and held it close to your heart as if you were telling me you loved me and were happy I was by your side . You were unable to speak but I felt your words.

Now I lost him for good and his presence in my life and the glimpse of hope of him ever coming back again. He was trapped in his body for years and was suffering so much everyday. Maybe I was foolish to think he would ever be the same again. I used to dream of him magically recovering and saying all the things I wish he would say.

He was many great things but the most trait I can remember about him was his endless acts of humanity and empathy with others especially those who were in need or those who were wronged or مظلومين.  He had high principles and a sense of righteousness that was unshakable. He had the kindest heart and was generous and never hesitated in helping anyone in need. He used to put people before himself and whenever he enjoyed anything he had to share it with the people he loved to truly feel happy.

It's been years since I heard your voice. I don't remember the sound of your laugh and I slowly feel memories of you are slipping away from my mind. I feel so horrible that I can't remember certain details about the way you used to be before your stroke. I feel such regret for not writing down the epic stories you shared with me about your childhood down because no one else can know them but you.

 I miss the wisdom in your words and just being in your presence. Your existence gave me a certain calming feeling that it will always be okay. Now I feel lost and alone and the heaviness in my heart weighs me down so that everyday getting out of bed is hard. I feel you were on my side and even though after your illness you were not really the same. There was a certain consolation that you were still alive and that deep inside you were there and that one day you will possibly be better again and I can tell you about the pain I felt in your sickness and how much I needed you by side. There is a comfort only you could have given me. I will forever miss and long for that feeling.

A part of me died with you and I'm not sure if I will be capable of being fully happy ever again. Like there is a hole in my heart, an emptiness, a darkness that spreads all over me. I'm okay during the day going on with my regular daily routine because I somehow block these thoughts and I am in denial.

Suddenly a thought comes to my mind and I'm reminded of this feeling and I feel like I'm falling in place in  a deep hole of anger, confusion and sadness. There are so many things we never got to do together. I feel he died before he actually let himself live.

 I have been wronged by those who are the closest to me, those whom I thought I could run to comfort me and they doubt my intentions and all I can think of is that you would have never ever done this to me. You wouldn't even allow these things to happen if you were alive and well.
 I need you more than ever and I miss you more than ever.

I still remember my last visit after I knew you were diagnosed with lymphoma. I knew in my heart this could be the last time I saw you. I stared at your face and hands trying to memorize how they look, every wrinkle, every line, knowing I might never hold your hand or kiss your face again.

I will always carry your pain and suffering in my heart. You will always be my superhero the man I look up . The man who was my first love and my backbone. The man who worked all his life and stopped at nothing to provide for his family and to ensure that we live the best life and had all the things he didn't have growing up. 

I am forever thankful to have had an amazing father. I am thankful that my children got to meet you and play with you in-spite of your illness. I could tell from the look in your eyes and your smile how happy you were to have met your granddaughters. I will tell them about you and what a great man you were always.  I can’t bear the thought  that my children will not have  their grandfather around when they are adults but I'm happy the met you.

I promise to live to make you proud. Whenever I do anything good in life it will always come back to you as you were the inspiration to always do good and to give and to never ever look down on anyone. 

I love you always and I will pray for you everyday.  

Insha2Allah you are in a better place with no pain where you can walk and talk and eat all the yummy food you used to love to eat. 

I hope by writing this it helps me get a step close to accepting this deeps loss.. You are a loss to the world and not just to me

                                                                        

لهم ارحمه تحت الأرض و يوم العرض عليك، اللهم قه عذابك يوم تبعث عبادك. اللهمّ املأ قبره بالرّضا، والنّور، والفسحة، والسّرور. اللهم ادخله الجنة من غير مناقشة حساب، ولا سابقة عذاب، اللهم آنسه في وحدته، وآنس وحشته. اللهم ان كان من المحسنين فزد فى حسناته و إن كان من المسيئين فتجاوز عن سيئاته.

اللهم اجزي والدي عني خير ما جزيت والدا عن ولده

Duaa Al Mayet

Parenting Disasters

I just realized I haven't blogged in so long after a dear friend asked me about my blog link. 

I decided maybe its time to blog again!  So...here I am ranting again about my struggle as a parent.

So I really don't know how to do this. Being a parent is like the biggest challenge ever in your life because one mistake can psychologically affect your kids forever. I am sure I have made plenty of mistakes and just when I was so happy i'm done with potty training disasters and sleepless nights now I have to deal with early teenager attitude of kids who are not even teens yet. I can already see Laila point at me and say " ITS YOUR FAULT!!"

I feel there is no respect anymore for parents these days. I think most of us grew up in families where our families were super strict that we are super sensitive about our kids emotions and now this over sensitive attitude has created a generation of kids that have high demands and no appreciation of what they have or what you do. Wait am I starting to sound like my own parents? *gasp someone in background yells in Fifi Abdo voice “ya Kharabi!"

Time is flying by faster than I can even process. I don’t want to be too strict nor do I want to be too lenient. I want to be my kids friend but somehow keep the respect and authority.

I am sometimes too hard on them and on myself and I lose my temper 😩🤦🏼‍♀️

In general as we grow older we are less tolerant of things. You limit your interactions with people to only be with those who truly make you happy. You limit your meaningless conversations and “mujamalat” and appreciate those true friends who like you even when you are in a bad mood.

Speaking of growing older. I really am more shocked every year at how closer I am to the big 40! I remember thinking omg 40 SO OLD! and now its like... ermm only 10 years away :P ok ok 5 years away haha lets just not talk about it. 

I try to keep my age a secret by my kids are keeping track and make sure to let everyone know how old I am. But really I don't feel older.. Yes I do have a back ache and back disc and have removed my gallbladder. Yes I can't stay up late anymore like I used to without feeling dead tired, Yes I now comment on the younger generation and how we used to be polite 🤪. I also now officially fill up my bags from amman with zaatar and merameyeh! But inspite of all these aging signs I am feeling better than ever al Hamdulilah. Been boxing for over 2 years now and last year I started kickboxing and Maui Thai . I feel good and that is what matters:) My nickname in gym is " the Machine" 

                   Al Hamdulilah for everything and one of the biggest blessings  I have in my life is my friends who care about me and are there for me always no matter what.