Trust Your Instincts

So i recently have learnt yet another lesson which is to never ever again doubt myself and my judgement and my inner instinct. I was in a situation where i felt very uncomfortable and my inner radar was beeping ABORT ABORT.  Yet i stayed and ignored everything i felt in fear of being seen as immature or silly. I later on found out that everything i felt was correct and i kept beating myself up for not speaking up or acting upon it sooner.

You reach a point of blame where you blame yourself and tell yourself that its your fault. Its only when you are out of the situation that things start to sink in and you realize that you were in kind of a shock response. And you start beating yourself up and thinking of all the things you could have done to prevent this from happening.

What i want to say is that no matter who the person is and no matter what their position is. If you feel something is not right and you sense that you need to trust you gut and take action. And if you didn't do anything dont blame yourself for trusting those who we were told to trust. You are not to blame for their mistakes or wrong doings.

Trust your instincts. God gave you them for a reason.

Oops I did it again..

So I tend to have a problem. A big problem and that is that I tend to talk a lot and blurt our things before thinking and most of the time I immediately regret what I have said. I wish there was a time machine invented so I could go back to all those times and take back all the things I say when I’m emotionally unstable or angry or hurt. I have noticed that most of the times I blurt out these regretful things are when I’m emotional. 

So I said something to someone and I believe I shared too much information and I made them feel awkward and I have been beating myself up about what I have shared and how I can take the things I said back. Trying to think of a way to to explain that even though I said those things they aren’t necessarily true and we’re said in a moment of insanity and now no matter what I say that message can’t be reversed and if I explain that I didn’t really mean what I wrote and that those were just words of someone who was highly emotional and temporarily insane that person will not believe me.

So a piece of advice to anyone who gets emotional like me.. when you are emotional lock up your phone and stay away from social media till you are back to your sanity or you will surely send something stupid to someone and pray for a time machine to be invented everyday to go back and undo what you did 🤦🏼‍♀️

Are you okay?

“Are you okay?”

A question we all have heard and endless number of times  but the truth is is anyone really ever truly OKAY? Aren’t we all messed up and trying to figure out life day by day?

I usually smile and say Ofcourse I’m okay and if I’m not I will be okay.

I hid my feelings in a bottle and hid it in the depth of my soul.. I locked it away and hid it even from myself and convinced myself it is not there but I think the feelings are getting too toxic that this bottle will soon shatter into a million pieces inside of me as there is no inch left inside of me that has not been tainted with hurtful words and experiences. 

I mask it all with a smile . A joke. I am able to convince everyone I’m totally okay as I’ve always been. Truth is I don’t really think I ever was ‘okay’ I have to stay strong and life has to go on. Too many people depend on me and need me to be strong. Everyone has their own troubles and own pain to worry about so I must keep this mask on because there is no other option. 

Some days I’m able to fool people better than others but recently I’ve just been feeling that I buried my feelings so deep down that I’m not sure what I feel anymore. I feel there is an army of my trapped feelings planning an escape and that when I least expect it they will break down those walls I’ve spent so long building . It’s like expecting yajooj wa majooj to attack at any second.

We have to feel it to heal it—we have to fully experience the emotion in order to process and integrate it into our experience.

Don’t know when and don’t know what the trigger will be but I know that it’s coming when I least expect it to.

So what I’m saying is that it’s okay not be okay.. Okay?

#justblabbing