Always the Villain in Someone’s Story

There is a saying that you are always a villain in someone’s story. That is something I learnt the hard way that no matter what you do or how hard you try there is always be someone or many someone’s that see you as the villain. For the longest time I kept trying to understand the logic of their convictions and find myself questioning myself and doubting my identity. 

You see when you love or value people their perception of you is something you really are affected by. You try so hard to change their view of you. Eventually you realize that sometimes no matter how hard you try and no matter what you do, you will always be the villain in their story . The most important keyword here is “THEIR” story, not YOURS. 

You can’t control what they have narrated in their story about you but you can choose to make peace with the fact that this is part of life and they have the right to believe whatever they want about you. The most important thing is not to read their book of fiction and believe it to be facts.

Their idea of me does not define my worth or my true character it is merely a reflection of their own insecurities or doubts or misinterpretations and I will no longer live my life trying to repaint a beautiful colourful picture in their mind because it seems some people just are wearing shades and are incapable of seeing any colour

I will end this post by one big sharshabeel laugh

MUhahhahahsHaHaHa * echoes in dark woods 

Excess baggage

 

So after a long eye opening talk with my bestie it came to my attention that no matter how okay i convince myself i am they in reality all the baggage I carry around from many years still has a strong effect on me. Mentally emotionally and physically. 

You know how when you are packing to travel and you keep adding small items to your bag thinking the bag will fit then suddenly you are sitting on your bag trying to close the zipper and even if you managed to miraculously close it as soon as you reach the airport your bag breaks open and you have a big mess to deal with. It’s the same with our life issues we think oh it’s okay it’s not a big deal let me just shove it along in my emotional baggage backpack till one day something triggers you and you realize maybe you shouldn’t have packed this much along the way! 

I know it’s easier said than done but at least I will try to let go of some of that unecessary excess baggage that will only bring me down as even if it doesn’t show this baggage might eventually cause so much avoidable health issues. 

Wa bas hayk 😅yala pie pie 

Mending Hearts

 So here I am in attempt to vent and express myself so that I don't keep holding all my feelings inside and end up with more health issues.. So apparently the more you emotionally suppress your feelings the more like you you will end up with an Autoimmune disease ( like Dina Dandoon). So I am someone who has had my share of traumas and slaps in life and I choose to dust myself off and get up again every time and as usual I use comedy to deal with my tragedy. I thought this technique was working up until I was diagnosed with Chron's an Autoimmune disease that pretty much makes you live in the toilet.. & other issues inshala khier

* dina installs mini kitchen and tv in toilet 

I usually pretend I'm ok till I believe it.. بكذب الكذبة و بصدقها ( I lie the lie to myself then believe it)

I really do seem fine for a while then some trigger comes along unexpectedly and I'm standing there in the cafe ordering my coffee and I see an old man dressed like my dad same size karoosh same white hair same glasses and find myself crying say il habla saying " one ice latte www ww I th * baraabeer betsharsher 

* lady at counter gives Dina look.. Malha hay il majnooneh ( what's wrong with this crazy lady)

So yes I believe it is time to admit that maybe my strategy of LA MALEESH ishi ( nothing is wrong with ) isn't working.

I also always look at others people's stories and there is always someone whose story is worse than you a million times that would pray to be in your shoes.. So I believe I have reached the point of TOXIC positivity where I always find a way to see things in a positive way to save my sanity.. but maybe its ok to allow yourself to feel even if others have it much worse. Their pain doesn't invalidate yours. 

People in Palestine and Lebanon are witness a Genocide. The amount of horrific things we see makes us feel guilty for even breathing and going on with our daily life without being able to do anything. Nothing in our life compares to the hell they are in and I know that as a fact. 

BUT.. a feeling is a feeling and pain is pain.. knowing you are not experiencing a pain as deep and as strong doesn’t make your pain less real. 

One thing I know works for sure is that even if I’m unable to mend my own heart knowing that I can help mend anyone else’s heart by doing what I can makes me heal. 

I read something that I loved . Even a broken crayon can still color.. no matter how broken you feel and no matter what you have been through I believe we all still have the ability to mend others and when you help others Allah will help you and reward you in unexpected way that you can never even imagine. 

Whenever you give and do good it heals your heart because every good deed no matter how small is rewarded greatly.

Forgiveness is a Virtue Not and Obligation

 All my life I have been told to forgive and forget because forgiving is something you do for yourself to let go of the persons power over you. Forgiveness is something that you do for a bigger reward from Allah who will reward you for your forgiveness because the act of forgiving is such a hard task that will surely be rewarded greatly

 I have come to realize that the pain of attempting to forgive those who never even asked me for forgiveness who never ever acknowledged the horrible things they have done, the pain is far worse than actually deciding NOT to forgive. Forgiving them means I am letting my own self down, it means I have pardoned them infront of Allah for any harm they have done and for how they have wronged me.

There are many things that are forgivable but some are so horrible and incomprehensible to the human mind that I believe forgiveness is not an option.

I do not pardon them. I do not forgive the unforgivable things that have happened and I hope those people get what they deserve if not in dunya in al akhira

See you in judgment day.

Mostly in cases where there is " ظلم" and irreversible damage. 

Too Old for this

As we grow older our tolerance levels are less and less. You start to value your time more and you realize that you really don’t need to waste it on those who don’t appreciate you or put you down. You start to be incapable of “Mujamalat” and unnecessary small talk with people who are just simply toxic for you.

You realize you don’t to justify yourself to anyone and those who really matter usually don’t ask for justifications nor do they leave you feeling guilty for not seeing them as often or calling them. We all have our lives and problems and always know it’s not about the amount of times you see a person a week or the amount of msgs or calls you make. Life will show you who truly cares about you and who doesn’t.

I recently have lost the ability to tolerate a lot of things. Mujamalat. Meaningless gatherings of people falsely pretending they care about you. Maybe it’s the fact that I am over 40! 

I cherish my time and i no longer want to waste it in meaningless conversations or with people who surely won’t remain in my life.. 

she’s still your mother..

All my life i have been told you will never understand till you are a mother. You will never appreciate till you are a mother. Motherhood is much harder than i thought but even after being a mother it made things more clear to me.  Im sick of parents making their chidren feel guilty for being born blaming them for every problem in thier life. They decided to have a baby and bring their kids into this world and these children are born because you choose to bring them here. 

They are not your possession and they are not your slaves. Making them feel guilty for your every single mishap or inconvenience they might have caused by their mere existence is so wrong.

You want your kids to treat you with love and visit you when you are older you should make them feel safe and loved in their childhood. If you are old and your children can’t stand to be around you it’s maybe because you never loved them and pushed them away. 

Motherhood is a blessing even with all the hardship and sacrifices every mother makes the true reward is seeing them happy and knowing that you did your best to make them live with the least amount of psychological problems possible. 

What really really makes me angry is mothers using their mother “title” to abuse their kids. That no matter what your mother does to you no matter how horrible there is always someone who will say “ بتضلها امك" "she’s still your mother”. It took me years to finally understand that being a mother is not just a word or title. A mother is someone who loves her children unconditionally and doesn’t hurt them and make thier  lives a living hell. 

If you grew up with a narcissist mother that always hurts you and plays the mother card and pretends to be the victim I will never tell you “ she still your mother” 

بر الوالدين definition is different when you have a mother who lives to ruin your life and make it a living hell. If you tried everything and you still fail to stop the hurt it’s okay to keep your space and البر is actually الصبر على الأذى and not to return it to her. Pray for her from far away and know Allah knows you are only protecting yourself from being hurt by her again. 

I know many people mean well when they say advice such as “ no matter what she’s your mom” but truth is no one lived your story and no one knows the depth of your pain and no will even believe that a mother is capable of doing the things that were done to you. So it’s better to not give such advice when truely no one knows your story.