Are you Belittled or Entitled ?

So again i found myself in a situation where i did someone a favor and then after doing it i asked myself.. " HEY? Did they even appreciate what i did? Would they ever do the same for me? Would i even ever ask them to do such a thing ? Do i feel better or worse after doing this?

I have realized that pretty much all my life i have had trouble saying "NO" and not only that i feel that i can't say NO..  I feel like to say NO i need to have a like a life threatening situation. When i say NO i feel like i have to justify it so many times because i wouldnt want that person asking me to do the favor to be upset. I spend my time trying to please others and i get out of my way and i prioritize others over myself.

I have started to realize that being a people pleaser doesnt make people like you more or respect you more. It actually makes them belittle you more and in arabic " ما بعملولك حساب"

Who should we ask to do this huge unthinkable favor? DINA? why because she will say YES! 

I remember in University days a girl i barely knew asked me to drop her off to her house which is very far from university and I had a class! She kept asking me to drop her off i missed my class just so i can drop her back home. I don't know what i was thinking and if i was thinking even but i know for sure i would never ask someone to do that for me. I also know that the girl never really cared about me or appreciated what i did for her. 

I have been in this situation so many times and in the end i used to tell myself "Do it for Allah" and that Allah will reward you if you do good deeds. Truth is that way of thinking doesn't always make me feel better. It doesn't make me feel better because the things i do for others are not exactly charity work and i dont consider the favors i do real needs. They are usually just people who feel entitled and feel that the world owes them a favor. They come up and ask you to do something like " hey why don't you design a logo or invitation for me since you are fabulous designer. And you tell yourself okay i will do it and you think its a nice gesture. 

They end up spending hours and hours tweaking your work and talking to you like they are your boss and in the end you are surprised that when they start thier own business one day and you want to support them by buying something from them they don't even offer you a discount because business is business right?
Or even worse they decide after the many hours you spent on the design that they don't want do this business afterall and they dont need the design.

What i have realized is that the problem was never people who take advantage of you. The real problem is knowing yourself worth and knowing that your time is precious and you get to decide what you want to do with it.

Know that if someone asks you to do something you can do EASILY and you just dont feel like doing it because you would rather stare at a WALL! YOU CAN SAY NO!

Know that those who most likely ask you do extreme favors that you would never ask them to do most likely have just called you for that favor and only call your when they need something.

           Never agree to do something that you yourself would never ask someone to do for you.

 Charity and good deeds can be done at your own time when you want to do them and don't come in a form of favors for others . 

Never prioritize someone else needs over your own or your family and know that the most important thing is you and your family.

No one will ever out you above themselves.

Remember you can always say NO.. BiDEESH without even justifying it and feeling the need to justify it.

I have noticed those who give off the " im entitled" vibe don't only get what they want, others actually feel like they deserve it! They want everything to end up their way and feel superior somehow. They live with the belief that they are inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment by others.

Always remember that people will only do to you what YOU allow them to. And doing a favor shouldnt be the reason someone likes you or disklikes you. If they choose to dislike you for not agreeing to do thier favor maybe they were never really your friends in the first place.

Know your SelfWorth. Respect Yourself. Love Yourself and Put yourself and your Family First.

Help Others always but on your own terms and when YOU willingly want to and not because they manipiluated you or made you feel that you MUST.

I feel in life there are those who are Belittled and those who feel Entitled. 

Which one are you?

And that my dears is what i call my SELF Therapy Session of the night.

Good night.

 

Grass is always greener on social media

Well.. im in a mood to dardish and atfalsaf a little so i thought to myself why dont i blog a little.

Don't you feel that no matter what situation we are in we are always wondering about WHAT IFS? And we often start to think about our life choices and wonder if we would be happier if we didn't make or made certain choices. We start comparing ourselves to idealistic standards and our perception of reality is distorted.

But then again we post happy moments on social media. When was the last time you are in a middle of a fight or your kids are throwing a tantrum and you think to yourself why dont i record it and post it on my newsfeed?

 
You take scroll down FB social media and even though you know 80 % or more is a fake show people put on to impress others you know and believe that there might be that 1% that is sincerely happy.

I will never forget the day this girl called her husband pissed infront of me and she was so angry with him because she posted a lovey dovey post on FB confessing her love to him and saying how he is the light of her life * backstreet boyz dance and music* and he didnt reply with a comment yet!

she was like ' hala2 hala2 betefta7 il FACEEE wa bot7otili comment okkkk * in a threatening ana bafarjeeek voice...

ermm awkard silence fills the room.... Tayeb keefek keef il awlad.... * girls face red with anger still 

If i didnt witness that moment and i just read her lovey dovey baby hubby inta hobbi post i would have thought Awwwww they are so in love ... tele3 film.. and many are like that...


Single Ladies wonder if they would be happier married and married ladies think of how their life has turned into a 24 hour job of just tending to everyone's needs that they forget their own and miss being single and carefree.

Decisions and life choices we make and no matter how different our lives our i feel we all share that one need to always try to get what we think we lack. We always look at what others have and think they are happier. We tend to overlook the many blessings that we live in and forget that many other wish to be in our shoes.

Life is hard and i believe no one is happy 100 % and i think most social media posts are depressing us because they draw this unrealistic expectation for us.

Watching vidoes of husbands tearing up when they first lay thier eyes on their bride and so many videos that are so romantic you want to just ball your eyes out . * dina bitnefff

All im saying is that i have learnt not to believe everything i see on social media and that the same girl who posts tons of pics of her lovey dovey relationship can actually be on a verge of a divorce. ( true story i saw )

We need to start by saying AL HAMDULALLAH for everything. Be CONTENT.. Say Hamdulilah Hamdulilah and the grass might look greener on the other side but if you keep looking at that grass you will not notice the many flowers that have grown in your garden :D ( eish hal deepness hadi)

The Pin on my Wall

Everyday when i brush my teeth i notice there is a pin on the bathroom wall. It is stuck on some small foam sticker on the wall and everyday when i see it i think " why is this here? i need to take it out" then i get distracted and i go on to the next day and i see it again and i think the same thing. It has been on the wall for years now and its not so hard to take it out i just have a habit of procrastinating things even the simplest things. Before we know it a day turns into months and years and time is flying faster than we can comprehend. Ramadan is already in the last 10 days and i cant believe how fast time is flying.

So many people i said i will call tomorrow i havent spoken to in years. A girl i used to know got pregnant and i kept saying i want to visit her to say mabrook. She now has 5 children and i still didnt manage to go visit her because by the time i wanted to i felt it was too awkward.

So many things i wanted to do that i never came around to doing. I feel we are going in a vicious cycle in life and everyday we rush into doing our daily routine and before we know it years have past and we realize that we were too overwhelmed and stressed to even enjoy them because we were just rushing through life.

Time flies fast enough already so why do we stress ourselves over unnecessary things?
Why do we fill our time with  many meaningless obligations that we dont even enjoy doing rather than doing the things we enjoy?

Today i decided i will take out that pin. I will write down a list of goals and dreams and things i have always wanted to do or achieve in life because if i don't another 10 years will fly by and my to do list will only be longer and longer.

I find myself stressed over raising the kids and being the best parent. I make so many mistakes and i try to learn from them. The biggest mistake i feel i make is not just enjoying every little detail of my kids being kids.

I close my eyes and i imagine myself 60 years old in a blink. My kids are older and married and live far away and i am calling them hoping they would call me more and just come cuddle with me like they used to when they were babies.

I imagine how i will do anything to go back to these days i'm living right now and that makes me forget my worries because i know these days will fly by in a blink and i want to enjoy them as much as i can instead of complain about how tired i am and how stressed i am that i cant tell them a story.

Hug your kids.. Love them.. squeeze them.. play with them..sniff their cute little heads..and when they keep calling you and asking for your attention give it to them because you will you regret every second you missed. Every moment we are given in life is a blessing and an opportunity lets always try to make the best of it and not waste it with negative thoughts and emotions.

And even if you don't have kids just appreciate our loved ones around you and let them know how much you care about them. Life is unpredictable and we never know what it brings us,take everything lightly and know no matter what it is, it will pass...

                                               i just crossed one thing off my list...
i have been meaning to blog my thoughts for a while now :) what will you cross of your list today?

enough falsafeh for me today. * takes off falsafeh cap

 HamduliAllah for everything.. Ramadan Mubarak and Eid Mubarak :)

Sleepy thoughts Poem

I lie awake in bed
A million thoughts running in my head
My face is lit up by my phone screen
Then I Remember " I need to buy sunscreen"

I am sleepy tired and know I should sleep
Tomorrow when the alarm rings I shall weep
But for now I can't seem to put my phone down
Let me check instagram and snapchat to see who is in town

I know I'm addicted and I need to stop this habit
The moment I put my phone down I find an excuse to GRAB it
How did we live our lives without social media
When we needed to search for something did we pick up the encyclopedia?

I worry about our kids and what they are exposed to
And how hard it is to control what they see and what they do
For now I'll try to get some sleep
Let me start counting my Sheep

Bostive Vipes

The older you get the less tolerance for fakeness and fake people and negative people and you slowly start to realize who are really your friends and who are the people who just remember you when they need something. You will be shocked to how many people live their life like its a Kuwait musalsal or hindi Film. 

Somehow a whatsapp message turns into a family feud! Some people are deeply offended by things that you didnt even notice or do consciously and its those people you need to limit your interactions with. The more you spend with them the more they will twist your actions and words and spread rumors and believe me if im looking for drama i will just watch my Turkish musasal.

I am like a sponge .. ana SBonJiBob... if the people around me are dramatic i feel tension and drama. If the people around me are negative and depressing i tend to feel depressed and feel the need to solve their problems. Then one day you wake up and realize those people who depressed you with their problems are not as depressed about thier problems as you are. You realize people will only share the negative things and hide the good things that happen to them in fear of " 7asad".

You will one day wake up and realize how short life is and if you waste it trying to please people who will never ever be pleased, or trying to fit in the wrong group of people you will only feel worse and you will never ever please them.

Think about yourself and what you want. Do not get out of your way to see those who will pull you down and hurt you. Be around those who lift you up and care for you because life is short and...

AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DAT

i will leave you with the SBONJIBOB Asfar Kamooni  

PE Bostife BeoBleZ

Parenting is so Easy ! *sarcasm

So.. i am sick of those moms who talk about parenting like its so easy like oh yes sure why don't i get another 5 more kids cause its so freaking EASY! I see those vidoes of moms like 2 -3 weeks after delivering their baby using their baby as a dumbell as they do thier daily exercises at home showing off their flat tummies like its so easy.. Good for you.. 

* cries into pillow

* eats chocolata 

* pokes belly... jiggles like jelly... what the helly....

i remember at one point i was motivated and picked up laila and started doing some arm exercises while i lyed down on my back... all i can say is that i might have moved her faster than i should and i ended up full of MILK-SHAKE . .get it.. milk shake .. from shaking her .. ermm ok simji simji haha

Someone once told me if you get two you can get 10 ! ermm  if i have one more child i think i will be moving in a mental hospital..

IT'S NOT easy ! i spend most of the day screaming and juggling a million things and trying to do the things that will make my kids the best versions of themselves. So they don't grow up angry at me for not letting them do the things they love or blaming me for all their psychological problems. Sadly i think no matter what we do we will make mistakes and no one is perfect i just pray the damage is not serious and that my relationship with my kids stays strong even when they are older.

I look at my sister now with her newborn baby freaking out at her every spit up and her lack of sleep and she just asked me with her puffy eyes" HOW DID YOU DO THIS TWICE???? "

Truth is it does get easier with the second baby cause then you stop freaking out about every Fart but still easier doesn't mean easy.. you just stop sterilizing everything. you stop crying every time they cry cause you realize they cry all the time.

You long for a moment of peace and quiet and when they are home and it gets quiet .. you freak out because you know.. they are up to something

 

And every age age has its challenges. Today i ate a cadboury chocolate bar that i think was almost as long as my arm.. i call it chocolate therapy... i have also started boxing which is helping me let out the inner stress.. i think all moms need to find a getaway.. whether its hiding in the bathroom with a chocolate bar.. whether its meeting your friends for coffee or knitting or baking or exercising.. watch a movie or musalsal. anything you enjoy doing to get you out of the daily cycle of JNAAN... because if you do not get a break.. and you do not let it out somehow. The result will be... UGLY..

Sometimes when i yell at my kids they crack up at me laughing. and at this point im really angry and really having a fit and they are seriously laughing so so hard! 😑 maybe my voice shrieks..

            Anyhow.. Parenting is not easy.. but its worth it.. and no matter how tired and exhausted or angry you are you look at your kids ( when they have calmed down akeed) and they do something adorable like draw you a card and even though they drew you in a shape of a Butt you still think its the most beautiful drawing ever... ( i am the smiling butt cloud next to laila in this drawing) ..

                                       

                                    This is how i would look like if i had more children..

P.S. All you people who see me and decide to make da3wat for me to bear a second child...

 ALLah yorzugek fe WALAD.. Kindly desist from making such da3wat.. if you want to to ted3oooli refer to me and i shall email you a list of da3wat :) wa shukran :)

Al Hamdulilah and Allah ye7me awladna kolhom 

i have to admit when i stay up late and they are asleep i miss them already.. i just dont miss the yelling and 6owash

It's the Little Things that Make Life Big

 

  Looking back at my life, my childhood memories and the things that really are dear to my heart. Those special moments and memories that i cherish and hold in my heart forever made me realize that its the littlest things and acts of kindness that someone might not even remember that have had a great impact on my life.

I remember i was once so upset about something ( i don't even remember what it was) i was in city center mall and i was outside the prayer area sitting on one of the stairs steps crying. A hijabi girl i don't know came to me and just gave me a hug and left. It's been maybe 25 years since that hug & i will never forget it cause it came at a time i felt i needed one & i really didnt have any hijabi friends at the time. I was not muhajaba and i kind of had this idea that hijabees can be extra conservative or
judgemental cause i didnt wear the hijab. Not only did she change the way i saw hijabees her kindess made me want to learn about our religion and she could have simply passed by me without looking at me or saying a word but she made a choice to do something kind. I wish i can know who she was and that i could tell her how much that hug meant to me and how much it has affected me.

How many times did we walk away when we could have done something kind? 

Telling ourselves its not our business or it will be too weird to say anything. 

You know one time im about to enter an elevator sometimes holding a bunch of stuff. Not only did the person in the elevator not help or hold the door open for me, they kept pressing on the CLOSE button to make sure i don't get in! * tut tut tut

My friend lost her son in a playground ( just for a few minutes) that felt like a lifetime she was standing there screaming for help. Yelling out his name at the top of her lungs with a cripling sound of fear in her voice! No one did anything but stare or walk by her. 

It's in our human nature to help each other & care for each other. It's okay to greet each other for no reason. Salam Alikom or Hi. or a simple smile wont cost you anything. 

You know il bujulotooni? those who you smile at and don't smile back?!

         IGLIB WIJHAK nazra on the face zay had il 3amo

I don't remember a lot of things as i feel my brain is like Dory the fish in Nemo but there are things i will never forget. Like my best friend standing there in front of the hospital after i msgd her 6 am that my water broke. Like the way my husband used to come everyday to be by my side when we were engaged and my dad was in the hospital.

 I remember the week before my dad had his stroke how he went to the discount store and bought all the kinds of candles he found cause i had mentioned i wanted to have floating candles in my wedding. ( he got some very weird ones) but it was soooo cute and thoughtful and i wish i can go back to that day and give him the biggest HUG.

I will never forget having my friends there for me at the times i needed them the most especially after coming out of the operation room and still under the anesthesia effect lol

I remember when i once wore the hijab one of my friends thought i was joking about it. She laughed and laughed and it broke my heart into pieces cause i was so vulnerable at that time. After she realized i was not joking and how she really had hurt my feelings i remember getting and email from her. It was sent not just to me but to many other people and she said that just like she laughed infront of others she wanted to apologize in front of others as well and that she truly was sorry and proud of me. Her email really touched my heart because she could have simply just walked away.


I remember my mom freaking out when she thought i was about to deliver my baby and it was even blogged about here

http://dinodaloo.blogspot.ae/2009/03/my-first-false-labor-experience.html

 I remember compliments from total strangers.. When i compliments i don't mean " Eish ya Khasseh" or "Barbie" mu3akasat in Amman. I mean that lady that stops just to tell you " You are Beautiful" or " i love your Eyes or .. ( anything nice) that was ever said is something you will remember cause she is a total stranger and has no reason to JAMEL and is simply just being nice. 

Mostly happens fe Blad il Ajaneb cause in the Arab world the lady giving you the look from head to toe with ja7ra is probably admiring what you are wearing. And if in the Arab world you are complimented by an Auntie and you are the age of 20-28 know that this compliment might be followed by " mertebta ya habeebti?"

I remember so many things and most of them are kind things people have done and not the materialistic things because its those little things that you hold dear to your heart and cherish forever and truly impact your life. Think about what you say to others cause hurtful words can hurt so deeply. 

 

Never underestimate the power of kindness and kind acts or simple words to others. A simple text a smile, a sincere compliment that you are thinking but never told that person. Its those things that bring people together and remind us that it is only Human Nature to be Kind so please fight that inner sharshabeel inside of all us and Lets all just SPREAD THE LOVE!!

  * Group Hug * Group Dabke

 YA bayeee shu Baggorr anaaaa 

Things i said i would never do

How many times did we say " I would never ever do that!" 

and end up doing the exact thing you said you would never ever EVER do!?

* raises hand with guilty look on her face

Looking back at my life i am now a walking example of all the things i said i would NEVER do...

 

1. I will never yell at my kids.. sadly i yell i try not to.. but sometimes i feel its out of my control.. something i am still working on.. i am not proud of this and i know its wrong to yell but its something im working on...

Also my normal tone is kind of loud.. in comparison to my husband who is very calm.. His family is also very calm. when they speak to each other i am surprised they even can hear each other.

Khalto to Ahmed in whisper tone " Wayn il remote?" 

Dina looks to see if Ahmed heard her as she is sitting very far away 

*Ahmed gets up and hands remote" 

Dina 😲 😲 😲 😲 😲 😲 😲 😲

i still remember when i was in Amman not too long ago.. 

sitting peacefully then i heard my mom running to the door and screaming so loud...

                                           il GHAaAAAAAAAAAAAAZ  il GHAAAAAAAAZ !!!!!

At this point i freak out 😲 thinking there was a fire in the house.. but apparently in Amman the Ghaz truck makes rounds around the building and you have to open your window or door and call him in!
See in my family we tend to Over Express our feelings vocally.. haha

We are used to using outdoor voices indoor. We speak to each other as if we all are wearing hearing aids.. So when i am around my husbands family i am suddenly aware of how loud i actually am cause its so quiet whenever i don't speak..

                      When dina is quiet.. you hear the clock ticking * tick tock tick tock" 

 

2. I will not let my kids watch a lot of tv or stay on the ipad a lot & ill never let them sleep without a bedtime story


So imagine this.. you have to cook, and you have like 1000 things you need to do and your kids are just jumping around you saying " MAMA MAMA MAMA 10000 times in one minute.. If i told you there is a magic way to make them if for a little while be distracted and quiet and give you some alone time to get things done.. would you NOT take on that offer! i am not saying tv all day or ipad all day. but sometimes having that time is what keeps my sanity!

3. I will never say the things the Aunties and Khaltos say... 

    I think i am now 98 % khalto.. when i get up from a chair i have to make those sounds like " akh . mnnnnnhh... Ya Allah.. " i say random da3wat to people " Allah yerda 3aliek"
I talk about how our generation is not like the generation now and how in my days i didnt get telephone till i was in university.. My 6 yr old wants a phone.. shufti yakhti ballah?!?

I share recipes and i am in a whatsapp group for recipes of tabeekh.
I am in another group that shares jokes that are not for kids .. i dont know why when women get older thier jokes get more and more perverted :S i wish i can unsee some of the fwds i have received on whatsapp.. :S

4. I never thought i would sniff anyone butts and check poop texture 
i am someone.. who is naturally mon2aref... i remember gagging when i had to clear out the kitchen sink after all the food laghawees were stuck on it.. After having kids.. being mon2arfeh is not an option. You will be pooped on. You will check if your child is pooping regulary. You will learn the art of inserting ta7ameel ( suppositories) for constipated babies. You will feel joy when your baby poops after 3 days of constipation. You will regularly sniff your baby's but to see if they have pooped. You will discuss the color of your baby's feces with other moms.

Alo keefek Rawan, Bedi as2alek.. law lown il kaka asfar 3adi?? 

5. I never will wipe anyone's boogers by my hand.
So your kid has a runny nose and about to get on the bus and there is no  KLEENEX to be found? what can i do???? * hand on nose il bent quick mas7a .. i know 2araf.. but 2araf situations call for 2araf actions. it was either that or let her lick it..

6. I will never watch Turkish Series...

I am now watching not 1.. not 2 but 3 Turkish series..i am so obsessed i sometimes watch it without translation. I also watch 2 at the same time with multiple windows open at the same time.

7. i will never lie to my kids..
 i think as moms we are allowed to lie a few white lies like for example..

  "If you eat your boogers they will turn into little worms in your stomach"
  " i was the smartest kid in my class" were'nt we all ahaha
  " Barney is Sleeping"
  " The Store is closed now"
  " i have no money to buy it "
  " This does not have Spinach in it"
  " This is the medicine you LOVE"
  " I will just go to the bathroom then i will come read you a story" * waits till lina falls asleep
  " The Toothfairy called me and said she will take her money back cause you are not brushing your teeth"
 " Elsa is sleeping"
 " Your friend is sleeping"
 " I am msging your teacher right now"
 " I am emailing your teacher right now"
 " If you don't put your seatbelt on the Police man will arrest you"
 " If you dont brush your teeth they will look like this ↓

The list goes on an on... my point is.. 3ala ra2i Justin PEiiiPer.. Never say Never..cause all the things you said you will never ever do are what you will do precisely

                                           Nefar meeen ya habibi.. Nefartitchhhhhhiiiiiii...

 

Bye Bye 34 hello 35 !!

So today i'm sleepy but i feel i cant sleep as today is the last day i can say i am still 34!! Tomorrow ill be 35! i still remember my 11th birthday when i felt i was so old then i remember looking at the high school students and the students in gr12 and thinking WOW they are so old!

 HOW HOW HOW did time fly?! How am i 35 already! i look at my kids getting older and i am now an official Khalto that says all the khalto stuff of  " SHU KABRANEEN!! to everyone cause

But isnt everyone KABRan?!?

Except AMR DIAB and NAJWA KARAM and a few lucky people who seem to either not age or look younger!!

So.. mostly i look back at my life and i realize that life teaches you so many lessons and the best lessons are learnt when they hurt us the most. I try to take the negative and turn in into positive knowing that even the bad things that happen to us happen for a reason. There is good in everything and even though its hard sometimes we should try to see the positive side of things.

Just knowing that Allah has a plan for us all and that everything is part of His plan for you gives me comfort. Al Hamdulilah for everything and for everyone in my life. I have so much love in my heart for so many people that i want to just start hugging people randomly and spreading love! ok.. maybe just female people.. unless if you are my celebrity crush.. *sigh

* dina is 35 but is suffering from signs of murahaqa

Have you ever had an awkward hug? well i have..  i  once told a guy " sorry i dont shake hands" he gave me a quick hug.. it was very awkward and it was over before i said " that means i don't hug too"it was a long time ago and i think he was interested in my male friend more than he was in me so...

When i think of awkward moments i think it should be written in my " About myself" section as i i am the master of awkward moments, embarrassing moments, blurting out awakard things , meeting awkard people and seeko seekos

I was at a wedding once, and there is this 3amo that is related to us and i remember growing up he was always at our house and we would visit him all the time. In my mind i thought he was my dad's uncle.

So anyway many years later i am invited to a wedding and i see this 3amo.. he is old and i just remember the old days and from my happiness i shrieked" AMO ABU HUSAM * boseh *boseh

At this point to him i am just this Random Hijabi girl that ran to him and kissed him! Last time he saw me i was like 17 years old.. So anyhow from shocked confused look on his face and on his wife's face i quickly said " ana bent farouk al natour"... so later i ask mama.. is Amo Husam baba's Uncle? she says NO... " was i supposed to kiss him lama salamt 3alieh?" .. la3333... opsss

So... what are the things i tell myself to comfort myself to the fact that im getting older...

1. my lady i met once said " you have kids i thought you were in your twenties"

2. a got 3arees proposal at the coop infront of bandora. which means i look like i am still 3aroossa
( beghad il nazar 3an il 3arees) ahah

3. another lady once said i look like im 28 * bosa to that lady

4. in my heart ill always be 25

5. Chocolata makes me happy... and my answer to everything is CHOCOLATA so i had to write that

6. you are only as old as your neighbor says you are

I Can't Sleep

I can't sleep,

shall i sit there and weep,

or shall i tweet a peep,

i choose to blog instead of counting sheep

So why can't i sleep?? Other than the fact that i had a 3 shot American Strong Coffee at around 6 pm & my Brain is on NONSTOP worrying and thinking mode. There is no moment of blank screen. i think i even have multiple dreams at the same time. Not once did i wake up with one dream. its like many screens playing at once and i sometimes even sleep walk and talk. 

I am a multitasker.. that is me.. i am not saying i succeed in multitasking but i am saying that i feel there is not enough time in this life to just do one thing at one time. When you are working you can always have your favorite musalal playing in the background. ( yes it is in turkish and you only have learnt a few turkish words and you must keep clicking on muslal window when it sounds like things are getting intense) but anyhow you still can work and watch your musalsal. I can cook while i talk on the phone and reconnect with my friends. ( yes my phone is all sticky afterwards and smells like baharat but my friend is not upset anymore i didnt call her)

So what do i think about ? That is the question i keep asking my husband when he answers me ..   

                                                               "NOTHING!!"

when he says NOTHING. to me that is like the IMPOSSIBLE. the DREAM. how how how how ??

Then after that question is answered by " NOTHING"... the little suspicious inspector gadget in my head starts to wonder.. hmmmm .... is he thinking of something he doesnt want to share with me or is he really thinking of nothing.. what is it that he is thinking about. and then i start thinking of endless possibilities that will make me upset.. wa ba7rad ma3 7ali... * 7aradan mode activated

 

I want to learn the art of thinking of NOTHING.. i feel if i go into my brain for a walk there is a corner that has a continuous scene from an Egyptian movie where someone starts a fight either a wedding or coffee shop and people are hitting each other and throwing chairs at each other.... then i walk to another side of my brain you find a room full of crying babies and a panicking mother than is freaking out cause she is running out of breast milk... you walk along further you will find this negative person who will rethink of everything positive that has ever been said to ME and convincing me its not true and remembering everything negative that has been said and putting it on frames on the walls of my brain... 

Sad yet true.. 

Then you keep going there is someone playing pingpong.. and then there is a chocolata.. there must be chocolata in my brain.. what else will you find in there.. 

ofcourse there is this TETA side of me that has to come up mostly when is sleep that recaps my whole day and what i said and did and she usually give me lectures like 

" LIESH ya TATA 3amalti hayk! ma ahbalek! kan lazim ta3mali hayk"

 the list goes on.. then i start to think of what i need to do.. not just tomorrow but in life!

its so funny my 5 year old came up to me and said..

 " Mama what do you want to be when you GROW UP?"

I said "i am grown up i am doing it!" she was confused maybe slightly disappointed that i am not a hairdress as she wants to be a hairdresser when she grows up .. haha

So anyhow.. when i think think think and cant sleep i might as well blog my brains out.. 

or keep trying to wake up my poor huszbandee haha

              GOOOD NIGHT! I HOPE!! 

           i hope i sleep..

uskot ya 7ajjeh khaleni anammmmm

I'm Blogging Again Lululee

Staring at a blank post.. thinking of what i will write about.. all i know is i want to blog again because blogging was part of who i was.. the me that i miss the me that i barely have come to recognize throughout the years.

I sit here trying to understand the inner workings and the experiences i have been through that have made me who i was and who i am now. i long for answers and explanations that i might never ever know. i want to be able to just with once click go back to the days where i blogged about my bagoora and to be able to able to write again from my heart without thinking to be able to make people laugh through my daily posts again.. so here i am trying to find that happy crazy blogging person inside me that seemed to be hiding under a pile of laundry and diapers and years of motherhood stress.

LAGETEKKKKK... so here i go.....

Let me share with you  some of my updates and some surprising changes in my life

 • I was finally able to overcome my weight issue by losing 15 KG *  and even though i was never really FAT to the point of tada7ruj on jabala duwera type cause im tall i was always chubby or at that stage where people say things like " weshek 7ilo" or " you are not fat you are MUJASSAmeh! or Malyaneh" what the hell does that mean? Mujasame? feels like im the terminator or a transformer.

I still love chocolata and will never EVA EVA give it Up... speaking of EVA tel3et EVA mitzawje RAYyyan Goosling il fe film LALALAND! that movie... akh bass. *heartmelts like chocolate fondant.. watched it 3 times in the cinema.. LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!  *sings city of stars and trys to do tap dance move falls 3ala boozha

• I have new found love and respect for Hindi films. The drama, The Action.. the dance moves * dino does twisting light bulb move and kicks her feet and accidentally kicks down a side lamp in home center.. oh yes also i should not be dancing in public.

• my cooking skills have become more advanced i have moved from the stage of calling my best friend to come over before my husband arrives with a plate of kabse rice to making warra2 3inab and some really sophisticated tabkhaat that include making the 3ajeene from scratch.. and when someone tell me RAshet baharat.. i understand what they MEAN! before i used to say.. EISh ya3ni RASHET bhaar! Give me EXACT quantity.. * dina betrush bharat in the air with a smirky confident smile.

You can call me.. Chef DonDon.. * adjusts cooking hat

• I met a celebrity... yes.. i did.. and i think my huzband is very understanding for letting me express my LOVE! hahah He is also known as Baglawa fil 3alam il 3arabi.. i shall post a pic.. of me and before judging me.. i believe there is a stalker found in each an everyone of us.. mine seemed to be very evident in my stalker eyes on ET star news... i did not scream out loud like those other ladies.. i screamed on the inside .. i love burak and burak al jibne also

 also im hooked on a turkish series.. i used to make fun of people who watch turkish series.. but be careful what you make fun of.. cause that will be your future...

That a quick update for now.. i have to say i am so flattered and surprised when people i didn't know read my blog silenty for years! Thank you for reading my habalations.. :)