Sunday, December 16, 2007

life life life

A couple of days ago when i was at my parents house i took a nap on my old bed. It was the same bed same covers, same room, same pillow same feeling. And i thought to myself how i wish that everything was still the same. And for a split second when i woke up i wanted to believe everything was still the way it was. That my dad was in the living room taking a nap while he was watching al jazeera. That when i walk out he will give a lecture and tell me i am lazy that i should not sleep alot!

So many changes in my life.. some are so shocking that i don't think i will ever be able to get over. I feel terribly sad yet extremely happy at the same time, its more like schizophrenic feelings. I'm happy i got married to the man i love after meeting so many psychos and weird people that made me reach the point of wondering if he will ever come along doubting that i will always be a psycho magnet.Yet, i'm so sad seeing my dad like this.

It's been 8 months now.

I feel guilty every time i laugh. I feel i should do so much more but everytime i go to visit i am so helpless. They always tell me to make him laugh and smile and i usually manage to do that by saying silly stories and making a fool out of myself.

It hurts even more to be there trying to make him smile when i personally don't think he has anything to smile about. Everytime my phone rings my heart stops because i think something bad happened. Everytime i go to sleep i dream that he walked and spoke to me again.

It's like a part of me is moving on with life and the other is stuck.

Life is getting harder by the second and i just am sick of hearing bad news all the time..

ma fi ishi bifari7!

Anyway al hamdulilah.... Allah yishfeeh wa ykhafef 3anoh.. sorry 3al nakad


salam said...

You brought tears to my eyes, Allah yeshfeeh w yraji3lkom iyah bilsalameh, you know, nothing is impossible when it comes to God's mercy..seeing him just lie there is very painful I am sure, May God give you the strength to endure..
I sometimes wonder what I would do to see my dad again, even if he was in a be able to touch him,smell him, kiss him..we lost our dad in a split second, and I can't get over it till now..allah ytawel 3omro your dad, inshalla he recovers and sees how happy you are thus completing your happiness..but life has to go on, regardless of everything, I am sure your family needs your strength and support,and your happiness brings some joy to their gloomy lives, so dont feel guilty..Happy Adha to you and your family!

Islamic ChoCoHoLic said...

salam... Allah yir7am your dad.. i know it's hard and sometimes i wonder what is worse death or seeing him suffer every day.. living each day not knowing what could happen.. But you are right at least i can see him and i can kiss him... maybe he does remember me and understand me..

Thank u for your kind words wa 2albi ma3ik..

noora said...

Dina!... u know how u always comlpain that i do not respond to your posts...well this one moved me enough to make me write this..
7abeebti inti..
I havnt seen anyone who exhibts so much excitement and yet keep so much undercovered pain..
u r strong!

and sometimes things like this allow you to communicate with your loved ones like never before..through the weakness of both of you..
perhaps it needed this much suffering in order for you to be able to spend time..and communicate..even if it was silent..

this is ironically funny..because i woke up at dawn time and your father was in my prayers...and i came to the office to see this post..

Allah yi7miki o yishfi your dad..
luv u

Ola said...

Hey dinos..

God works in mysterious ways and has "hikam" that you discover later on in life..

I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for all of you especially your mom.. To go thru all this.. You are blessed with a "nafsiyeh" that is "haniyeh and mariha".. You are also a strong person.. Use these traitsto ease the pain that your family is going thru.. As for your own pain, may our prayers will unite for your Dad to come home safe and be able to share happy moments again with all of you..

Be strong! X

sara said...

I wish I could do anything..

Have faith & ask Al Ra'oof :)

* luv u sweetie *