Sunday, December 16, 2007
life life life
A couple of days ago when i was at my parents house i took a nap on my old bed. It was the same bed same covers, same room, same pillow same feeling. And i thought to myself how i wish that everything was still the same. And for a split second when i woke up i wanted to believe everything was still the way it was. That my dad was in the living room taking a nap while he was watching al jazeera. That when i walk out he will give a lecture and tell me i am lazy that i should not sleep alot!
So many changes in my life.. some are so shocking that i don't think i will ever be able to get over. I feel terribly sad yet extremely happy at the same time, its more like schizophrenic feelings. I'm happy i got married to the man i love after meeting so many psychos and weird people that made me reach the point of wondering if he will ever come along doubting that i will always be a psycho magnet.Yet, i'm so sad seeing my dad like this.
It's been 8 months now.
I feel guilty every time i laugh. I feel i should do so much more but everytime i go to visit i am so helpless. They always tell me to make him laugh and smile and i usually manage to do that by saying silly stories and making a fool out of myself.
It hurts even more to be there trying to make him smile when i personally don't think he has anything to smile about. Everytime my phone rings my heart stops because i think something bad happened. Everytime i go to sleep i dream that he walked and spoke to me again.
It's like a part of me is moving on with life and the other is stuck.
Life is getting harder by the second and i just am sick of hearing bad news all the time..
ma fi ishi bifari7!
Anyway al hamdulilah.... Allah yishfeeh wa ykhafef 3anoh.. sorry 3al nakad