Monday, February 20, 2006
Here is an illustration that i did in a moment of STRESS!! i usually do feel stressed out... that is because i leave everything for the last minute! i feel all my life im always going with the flow.. i am the worst person to make plans.. or plan things.. and if i ever make plans i FORGET about them!!! my room is a mess! i find a pile of clothes on my bed right before i leave the house even after i had just spent hours cleaning!
I say things without thinking.. yet spend the day thinking of the things i SAID! hehe
I have so many plans and dreams! hardly accomplished any of them!!!
Why is it i feel that solving everyones problems is my DUTY?! why is it that i feel guilty that a girl i met only twice in my whole life is lonely at home cause she quit her job .. and got pregnant.. and is bored and has nothin to do... WHY do i feel like its my duty to cheer up everyone? To drop people back home when they dont have a ride?To be there to solve everyones problems?! AS soon i hear someones problem.. (ppl tend to think im a therapist not know i myself NEED THERAPY) ..
i feel like a million people have ropes attached to my brain,,. like im being pulled in all directions! like my head has turned into a big EAR .. all i hear is the sound of crowd yelling out my name askin me to do things... pretty much i feel like this illustration!!!!
soo as soon as i hear someones problem somehow i feel it is MY PRoBLEM.. that just by tellin me they are seekign my help... and i think of ways to SOLVE IT.. :S dont get me wrong.. im a people person i love being around people.. and i can get along with pretty much anyone... i love how ppl feel comfortable sharing their problems with me ... yet i think knowing way too many ppl and being a social butterfly can get exhausting.. especially when u care abt the person who confides in u....
yet i keep my own problems and worries bottled up inside of me... hehe or blog them here :P
i try my best to please everyone yet all i get is a HUGE MESS!! Ironically at the end of the day someone i care abt is either pissed off at me or just makes me feel guilty abt somethin that i was UNAWARE of as usual... i tried makin post-it reminders to reminds me of the things i need to do! well i need post it reminders to REMIND ME WHERE I PUT THOSE POST ITS!! LOL
i wrote a TO-DO list once! emmmm never looked at it.... cause i LOST IT!! i keep losing things.. forgetting things...i always feel that there is soo much to do! in arabic they say " ma3joooo2a" hehe its like im always jumpy and disoriented! I NEED TO TAKE A CHILL PILL! heh at the end of the day... i ask myself:
All this guilt,stress & endless worry .. for what??
Do those ppl whom i prioritize overmyself and my own happiness and psychological well being GIVE A flying cr@p abt me? And if they do to a certain point.. will they take the extremes i take?? i recently have felt foolish and pathetic for thinking people think the way i do.. that they appreciate me.. i was wrong.. i try to change but i cant.. its the way i am.. ill get hurt .. ill get over it.. what doesnt kill you makes u stronger.. IM SUPERWOMAN i guess!! *trys to carry nearest SOFA .. fails... tells herself " still weak dinos" lol
No matter what good i do in this world i do it for GOd... and He will reward me inshala... that is why i wont change.. Although some ppl are not worthy.... i know there are other ppl out there who DO deserve it :) and i think im lucky to know more than one person who just the thought of knowin them and having them as a part of my life makes me feel better...
so.....i try not to regret things but learn from them ... even when i learn a lesson I FORGET it hehe :P